Midnight Lullabies
by A Star In My Universe
Summary: One fateful night changes everything for Nicky and she's suddenly thrown into a whole new world - motherhood. / Hush little baby, mama's near, to brush your hair and calm your fears. Nicky/Red
1. Before

Nicky stared at the bathroom mirror. The quiet of the early morning always had a calming effect and now, especially now that Red had been released a few months previously, it was her place of solace. The dark engulfed her, and unlike the suffocating ill-lit dormitories, it allowed her to breathe properly. She didn't know if it was the fact that it was where she first met Red; she didn't know if it was because the cubicles reminded her of Lorna, or if it was the fact that for five fucking minutes she could finally be alone. Whatever the reason, she reveled in her blissful solitude in the sweet moments before anyone else was awake.

She exhaled a heavy sigh, her shaking hands coming to rest gently on her flat stomach. She ran her fingers up her abdomen, her eyes squinting in the darkness. Not wanting to think anymore, she squeezed her eyes shut. The heroin she had managed to get her hands on the previous day still gave her a buzz, and, even though it was duller than yesterday's, it made her think less and that was the only thing she had wanted...the only thing she had planned for.

Swallowing hard, Nicky tried not to dredge up the events of the past. She looked down to the floor - nothing could change what had already happened. Her breathing ragged and legs weak, she tried to keep her tired eyes open in fear of being caught.

 _The janitor closet door slamming shut behind her._ _"This is what you want, Nichols?"_

Her isolation is disturbed firstly by a mop that pokes through the bathroom door, then a muttering of complaint. "This bathroom's always dirty. Especially with the shower pooper..." Crazy Eyes stares at the other inmate, surprised to see her without a mop or another girl.

"What a fucking mess," Nicky murmured, her voice barely a whisper as she attempts to push the other inmate out of her mind and sight. The reaction is just what Suzanne was coveting, and her face beamed with a smile; finally, someone understood the misgivings of being on janitor duty, and even if Nicky wasn't strictly talking about the state of the shower stalls, Suzanne didn't seem to notice or care. Reluctant tears drip down Nicky's cheeks as she continues to stare at herself in the fingerprint smeared mirror.

"Sometimes the feelings inside me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things, pretend the dirt is the feelings, and this floor is my mind. That is called coping..." she stopped her speech to look up at Nicky, and held out the mop hesitantly. People were forever looking at her like a freak; she didn't want yet another snicker but somehow it felt right this time.

Nicky's head snapped up. "If a mop could solve all our problems none of us would be in this shit-hole in the first place." Then she saw the expression she had caused as she emerged from the anger that had somehow been blinding. The expression that had been hers so many times from Marka's disappointment, from her dismissal. And she relented through gritted teeth, fingernails dug into the splintered wood handle, unsure of where her anger was even directed at. "Thanks, kid."

* * *

Nicky sauntered over to the table where Red waited expectantly and sat down heavily. Red leaned forward, her eyebrows raised, surprised at her lack of emotion. Her own emotions bubbled beneath the surface and she was shocked that she'd managed to not get up and run to her. "Nicky," she breathed, her hands immediately scrabbling to the younger woman's hair, fingers ghosting along her hairline to caress her face. It had been at least month since they'd last seen each other, and although they'd spoken on the phone, most of the conversation was taken up by Nicky feigning excitement for Red's release and reunion with her family. "How are you, _malyshka?"_

Nicky nods quickly, her curls bouncing around her face. "Good," she answered, a lie easily spilling from her lips, her eyes meeting Red's for the first time since she'd sat down. Nicky shook her head and relaxed into Red's touch, irrevocably familiar to her. "You didn't have to come. You haven't seen your boys in a long time." Nicky's voice tapered off and she shrugged hopelessly, her gaze falling to Red's scarlet fingernails. She shrugged as if she didn't care - _because if you didn't care, you couldn't hurt -_ and let her body language tell a different story as her fingers held onto Red's like a baby's wrapped around its mothers. "You're probably really busy."

"I spent all week with them," Red answered honestly, doing all she could to stop herself from sounding too excited. She missed her girl more than words could ever say. "And you're my girl. You know, my right hand, my girl Friday, my V.P," she teased. "I missed you. Didn't you miss me, hmm?" Her fingers flipped through her newly colored red hair. It was surprising what an expensive salon could do to make someone feel lighter.

Nicky sniffed and tried not to look indignant. _Didn't you miss me?_ Nicky screamed inside of her head, staring straight ahead into those blue eyes that had been both the wide open ocean, full of hopes and dreams, and the lifesaver for her, and tugged at the bottom of her shirt. She had only thought about her around a thousand times a day. Every time something mildly interesting, her first thought was still to tell Red, and there was still an ache of disappointment in her chest when her bunk was filled with someone else. When the kitchen was filled with the sounds of humming and not angry Russian yelling. But she had digressed, and tried to focus on Red once again.

"More than skirts," she said quietly, her fingers squirming underneath Red's own clammy hands. She exhaled heavily. _More than almost anything._

Red laughed and took a deep breath. "And what about you? You've been behaving yourself, yes?" The hope in her voice was almost too much for Nicky to bear. Sweat prickled under her arms as she gazed uneasily back at Red.

"Yeah," she smiled, her teeth baring in more of a grimace than a grin. "I've been trying," she replied honestly. "What's going on with you?"

Red shook her head. "Oh, you wouldn't believe it." Her eyes narrowed and she leant on her elbows, leaning closer to Nicky. She had all but forgotten her own question, and seemed satisfied by Nicky's seemingly truthful answer. "It's Vasily's wife."

Nicky's head snapped up in surprise. "Sparkle Tits?" A ghost of a smile appeared on Nicky's face as she remembered all of the times that Red had complained about her. "But I thought _she took the kids and the tits and the Guinea pigs and moved to Sheepshead Bay_?" Nicky said, a thick and angry Russian accent spilling from her lips as Red watched on, finally quirking her lips into a smile.

"That's right," Red continued, fuming with anger. "Two months ago. My son might be useless but he's still a father, and he's not even going to live with his newborn. And taking the little one away from his babushka is just criminal." Red tutted and tucked her hair behind her ears. The mundane conversation made them both feel almost normal, and then Red finished her rant. "She thinks she's _pregnant_ again!" From her mouth, the word sounded almost sinful, and Nicky winced. Red gave a snort of derision, but her eyes softened. "Of course I'll love the baby. But I'm just saying," she sighed, "I think there are better situations to have children in."

 _It could be worse,_ she thought grimly. Nicky nodded absently, her mind wandering. "When you're right, you're right."

* * *

Nicky played with the phone cord as she punched in an oh-so familiar number. So it was a shock when an unfamiliar voice rang out with her name. "Nicky! Mom's out but she'll be back any minute. How are you?"

"Who is this?" Nicky asked after a moment of silence. It could have only been one of three, and her question was clearly a delay tactic to the previous question, but the voice on the other end laughed.

"I thought you called me," the voice on the other line boomed with laughter. "It's Vasily! Mom told us all about you. I guess you're like a sister. Huh."

Nicky laughed softly, letting herself admit that it was nice to think like that. "Well, congrats bro. I heard the news about Sp-" she stopped herself for a moment, before continuing, "I heard the news about your wife."

"Of course you did," he sighed. "But she's not my wife, you know - Ma just says that. And thanks. But she got it wrong. Told me this morning."

Nicky didn't even have time to process the information before a breathless voice interrupted. "Nicky!"

After the easygoing conversation with Vasily, Nicky swallowed. It was always hard to hear her voice and not be able to look at her, to exchange laughter. She didn't know how her sons had survived all this time without her. Fuck, she didn't know how she was going to survive her last year in Litchfield without her.

"Red," Nicky murmured. "How are you?"

"Relieved!" Red almost sung. "I heard Vasily telling you. It was a stressful couple of days, waiting to hear back from the doctors. It was for the best," Red said, and Nicky wonders if she was giving that signature smile to Vasily. "Honestly, malyshka. For all of your troubles, at least you won't be getting pregnant."

"Yeah, Ma - here's the thing…" Nicky begun, her voice faltering. She wasn't sure what to say for the best - or, indeed, if it was better to say nothing at all.

"What is it?" Red hissed. "Is it drugs? Oh God, please - anything but fucking heroin." Red doesn't give Nicky a chance to continue. "Was it Luschek? Son of a bitch."

"No," Nicky said slowly. Great. Start with another lie. "Not him. Or drugs. Not really. Something worse," she whispered hoarsely, her voice cracking. She gripped the phone tightly with both hands and felt relieved that no-one ever wanted to use the phone on movie night. The guards had swapped and there was no-one listening to the phones, so Nicky felt able to continue. "I guess it was about a month or two ago…" she shook her head. "It's hard to remember."

"What is?" Red asked desperately. "Don't fuck me around!"

"I'm not!" Nicky insisted. "I was alone. At least I felt it. Lorna was busy with whatever his name is. I don't know why I did it." She hesitated. "That's a lie. I did know. I do know, I mean. I wanted to forget for a little while. To feel good." Red groaned on the other end, but said nothing. "I didn't ask," she said, as if that made it better. "He said he had it. Told me that he'd heard why I'd gone to max. He said he only wanted one thing for it...obviously."

"Oh, Nicky," Red said softly.

Nicky ignored the pleading voice, and the plea that came with it - tell me it's not true. "So I did it." She closed her eyes. "I just pretended I wasn't. Went somewhere else in my head. He ignored me after, which was fine by me."

"So it ended okay? You've done something stupid, _malyshka_ , but end it here. No more drugs. Do the rest of your sentence with no trouble. I want to see you when you get out, not be dead by then."

"But Ma-"

"No excuses! Just fucking do it," Red said irritably, wishing she could be there to keep an eye on her.

"Ma," Nicky's voice had grown desperate. She lowered it even though there was no-one around. "I missed my period."

There was a moment of silence. Just a nano-second, so short-lived that anyone else might not have noticed it. So lacking that anyone else would have questioned its meaning and mere existence. And then she laughed. Nicky wasn't sure if she was laughing at her, or with her...or just because of her. It wasn't her usual laugh; it wasn't deep and throaty and relentless when she wished she'd take her seriously. It was almost hysterical with undertones of disbelief, like something horribly wrong had happened along the way to it escaping from her lips.

"Okay," Red said finally, as she leant on a counter top for strength. Her head span and she felt as if both the world and her lungs were collapsing in on her as she tried to catch her breath. "Here's what we're gonna do..."


	2. Month One

_Month one_

Nicky stared at the ceiling. If she stayed in bed, and didn't let the tears slip from her eyes, then it was easier to pretend that it wasn't happening. Saying that it was early days was an understatement, and yet it still felt like the end of her world as she knew it was just around the corner. And all for fucking heroin, like she couldn't survive without it, like her very existence relied on the rush of endorphins and shame that came at the end of every high.

 _It might not even be...that,_ she reasoned with herself as she tried to block out the sounds of morning approaching in the dorms. _I only missed my period once. It could be anything..._

She shook her head. Denial was a powerful thing; when she was a kid, she used to pretend that Paloma was her mom, as she clung to her hand walking down the street. She believed her own lies, sometimes - but store windows always told her differently and the smile would slip off of her face as she studied their differences. She couldn't pretend then and she certainly couldn't pretend now. She wished that she could blindly believe anything that seemed better than the truth. Lorna seemed to do it so easily, and even though people pitied the girl for doing it, Nicky thought that right now, it seemed like a good solution to the crushing pressure she felt.

She forced herself to stand. _A little electroshock therapy didn't hurt anyone,_ she thought grimly as she pulled her boots on. She couldn't be bothered to shower. The lines would be too long for this time in the morning and just putting her bra on had been agony as her hands brushed over her tender chest. It felt like PMS but ten times worse as she stretched her back and started to walk towards the bathrooms.

Snagging the stall that still had a door, Nicky sat down on the toilet and stared at the graffiti covered walls. Regardless of all of her past, all of the potentially dirty needles she had stuck into her arm and the amount of women she bedded whilst here, it still made her squirm to think how many ladies had sat where she was sitting. She finished and stood, wishing that she didn't have to head straight to electrical.

Still, she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, waving to Norma as she trudged over there. No matter how shit she felt, she wasn't going to push away the only family she had left, even if they weren't who she craved to be around. Red wasn't here, she reminded herself, casting her eyes down to the floor with a steely stare. She wasn't...she _couldn't_ pick up the pieces this time. On the outside, she had grown used to being numb to loneliness. Filled the void with drugs and sex, ignored Marka's pleas and did whatever the fuck she wanted to. Now, she wished that her mom was here, with a cold blue stare and hands that steered her in the right directions. To yell and scream and curse until Russian words replaced the English. To hold her close when she finally cracked, tears rolling down her eyes.

Pent up emotions fight their way out as Nicky stepped into the old building with the door slamming behind her. Luschek stopped his redundant speech about the importance of fuses and stared at her. "It's obvious that _someone_ has their red dot special. Come on Nichols - you'll be the one fixing that door." He laughed obnoxiously and Nicky rolled her eyes and wished she was on her period, despite the awful name he assigned it.

"Actually, no." Nicky snapped, pulling more plaster from the hole in the wall she'd created previously. She chipped a little away before looking up. "Why, are you? Did you think we'd synced up?"

Nervous titters of laughter bubbled from other ladies in the room whilst Chapman raised her eyebrows at Nicky's odd behavior. Whilst it wasn't strange for her to have a witty comeback, it usually didn't deliver with such a harsh bite to her voice. "You okay, Nicky?" Piper asked softly, and Nicky stared at her coldly, her attention finally pulled from the wall.

"Me?" She laughed but with no trace of amusement. "I'm fucking fantastic."

Chapman nodded. "Missing Red?" She asked, fiddling with a wire in front of her. "I get it. It can be really fucking lonely in here," she conceded. "I miss my mom sometimes. Sometimes," she emphasized.

"Sure, Chapman, but your mom was never here. You never got used to having her around. I got used to having no mom. Now I have one and she's too far away." Nicky looked to the floor. "But yeah - like I said. I'm fantastic."

Piper nodded, a sympathetic smile on her lips. It made Nicky squirm but she didn't look away. Instead she held the gaze, her eyes hardened. "I know."

* * *

The phone felt heavy in Nicky's tired hands as she waited for the call to be screened and for Red to accept it. The wait always felt like an eternity and it was weird to think about Red having to accept calls from a prison she had only just been released from.

"I wondered when you were going to call," Red said dryly from the other end. "You know I get home at five, right?" Red's voice is bright and breezy and although Nicky knew she wasn't really mad, the thought of disappointing her - again - made her crumble a little inside.

"Mhmm." Nicky hummed, her fingers entangling with the cord. "I'm tired," she whined, "and my feet and back hurt." Like a child, Nicky couldn't seem to help herself - there was an instinct to let her mother know exactly what she was going through.

Red frowned sympathetically, her hands stroking her apron as if it was Nicky herself. "I know, _malyshka._ Being female has a lot of...negatives," she finished slowly.

"It fucking _sucks!"_ Nicky groaned. Red let the ghost of a smile appear on her lips for just a moment, before she heard the exhale of a shaky breath, when it quickly fell from her face and she gripped the phone tightly. "What should I do?" Nicky whispered. A sigh escaped from her lips and it physically pained Red that she couldn't reach out and hold her. "What _can_ I do, here?"

It wasn't a secret that Red always had an opinion and never imagined that it would be wrong to share it, but this time, she stopped. It was important to her that this was Nicky's decision, Nicky's opinion. She nodded thoughtfully. "What...what do you _want_ to do?"

"I don't fucking know, Red!" Nicky snapped, her hand flying to her head in frustration. "If I made good decisions, I wouldn't be here...and I wouldn't be, well - you know," she muttered darkly.

"Okay," Red said finally. "You've only got a year left," she said tentatively, acutely aware of how long a year sounded when you were still behind bars. "A baby..." Red smiled though there were a thousand problems with the very notion, and both of them knew it, "I'm not telling you what to do, sweetheart, but a child changes things. They do."

"Yeah. They ruin your life. You only have to look at inmates here. The Spanish girls, Diaz and Ruiz. Sophia. Marka! And she had a thousand nannies..." Nicky trailed off, her head shaking. "Marka was always very open about the fact that she didn't want me. I'm sure the human race will survive without another life-ruiner."

Red bit her lip, somewhat thankful that she wasn't with Nicky because if she had been, the urge to shake the stupid out of her might have been too strong to resist. "What about me, huh? Don't be facetious, Nicky - it won't get you anywhere with me."

Guilt instantly rained down on Nicky as she tried to not snap another sarcastic remark back at her. "I know," Nicky said quietly, and she let the facade fall for the shortest moment, "I know you're always behind me, but not everyone was." She cleared her throat self-consciously. "I guess I'm used to having to look out for myself."

Red sighed. "Nicky," she said, closing her eyes in frustration, "I know that. A thousand times over I know that. But I'm here now, and I promise I'm not going anywhere. Not even now. Not ever. Ask my boys," she said with a chuckle, "I always know what's going on with them."

Nicky snickered. "I don't doubt it." She hesitated. "A year left," she said out loud, testing how it felt to say. "What happens after, though?"

"After what?" Red said cautiously. "When you're released?"

"Yeah," she said. "Or before that. Where...where would it go?"

Red paused. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. "Perhaps...perhaps Marka?"

Nicky's sharp intake of breath said everything Red needed to know about her feelings and she winced. "I know, _malyshka,_ but-"

"There aren't any buts, Red!" Nicky said angrily. "How could I do that? I'd be going against everything I've ever said about her." She almost shook as she gripped the phone. "What about you?" She demanded. "Why not you?"

"Nicky," Red said gently. "They're not going to let me have the baby. I'm an ex-con! But it's only a month or two, babies don't start to remember until-"

"I'll remember, Red," she said quietly. "And how am I supposed to know what's going on? Marka won't visit. She barely phones, and when she does it's to tell me that I'm doing something wrong. What if she won't?" Her hand flew to her stomach, still flat, but with the makings of something wonderful stirring inside, and feels sick at the thought of never knowing. She didn't even want the damn thing, but no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, strong feelings of protection fought their way to the surface. "What happens when I get out? I can't, I don't know how to look after things. I don't know the first thing," she rambled. "I'll be just like Marka."

"Nicky," Red said seriously, her voice sharp. "Listen to me. You are not Marka. You're _not._ Do you understand me?"

"Yes," Nicky uttered hoarsely.

"And Marka?" Red laughed despite the dire situation. "That bitch is no match for me, sweetheart. I'll make sure everything works out okay for you." Nicky managed a smile. "Nothing will stop me from ever making sure you're okay. You'll know soon enough." Red paused. "Don't worry. Whatever happens, I will make sure that everything is okay."

Nicky nodded. "I know. Listen, Red - I'll call you tomorrow. I've gotta go to bed now, but, uh...just know. I believe you. And thanks, Ma."

Red smiled. "Of course you believe me. Now get some rest and don't over do it. Don't worry about a thing. I'm going to sort it out, _malyshka._ Just you wait and see."

 **A/N:**

 **Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter...please leave me a review telling me your thoughts. :)**

 **xo**


	3. Month Two

_Month two_

Red drummed her fingers on the table as the phone rang, every ounce of her being praying that there would be an answer on the other side. Every ring felt like an eternity and after what felt like ten years, Red almost slammed the phone down. But then a voice rang through, loud and clear.

"Nichols residence. How may I help you?" The voice that answered the phone could have only been one person, from Nicky's very apt description. Red smiled as she remembered what Nicky had said.

 _Marka? Eh...well, she can't stand to be having the conversation. A little rushed. Mostly pissed. But of course - that's only when she actually talks to you._

"I'm Galina Reznikov," she said confidently. She worked up the nerve to continue, quietly clearing her throat. "I saw your ad for a cook - the online one," she explained. She had spent weeks looking for a job and then she saw that golden ticket on an ad as she scrolled mindlessly. _Marka Nichols. Full time cook wanted._

"Oh yes, this is her speaking." Marka said vaguely, sounding like literally anything else would be a preferable conversation. There was a slight hesitation and then she continued. "When can you start?"

"Whenever." Red said, ready to reel off all of her positive attributes. "I'm very flexible, and -"

"Monday?" Marka replied quickly, interrupting Red without a hint of an apology on her lips. She sighed in frustration. "I have a dinner party on Tuesday. I need to run through the menu with you, and I'm very busy at the moment. That gives you two days to prepare which I'm sure will be fine. How's that?"

"Monday is fine," Red returned, equally as fast, trying her best to sound enthusiastic. It wasn't her strong point. "I'll bring along a list of recipes to show you."

"That's fine. But you won't be talking to me." The little laugh at the end of the sentence made Red itch to say something, but she just nodded through it. "My PA will sort it out with you. Reznikov, how do you spell that?" Marka wondered out loud, finally her tone coloring with some sort of interest.

"R-E-Z-N-I-K-O-V." Red spelled out patiently, hardly daring to believe that she'd actually managed to get the job. "Will there be an interview? The other applicants must have called by now."

Marka laughed. It was hard to believe this was the same woman that had taken such an apathetic attitude to her only child. "Take the dinner party as your interview. All goes well, then you're hired. See you on Monday, Mrs Reznikov."

Red smiled, exhaling a shaky, relieved breath. It was a change for her to feel so reliant on something, so desperate. But this was so much bigger than her. "See you on Monday, Mrs Nichols."

* * *

The morning passed in a blur of recipes and flour, and then it was finally time for Red to visit Nicky. The drive always felt ten times longer than it was supposed to be, and Red gripped the steering wheel just that bit tighter as she thought of telling Nicky the good news. The warm summer air hit her as she stepped out of her car and headed to the reception and waiting room. It was always a bit suffocating stepping back into that room, but for Nicky she'd do it. For Nicky, she'd do anything.

"Reznikov," CO Bell said almost pleasantly as she let her through the metal detector. "Didn't expect to see you here again."

"I have to see my girls." Red said with a nod to O'Neill. "You'll know what it's like one day," she sighed. "Don't underestimate it."

"Sort her out. She's been a mess." Bell said with a nod of respect. "And for God's sake, Reznikov, stay out of trouble - for them."

Red nodded thoughtfully. _She's one of the good ones,_ Red thought, thankful that she was still here to look after the girls. It only took one bad person to break a prisoner, and one bad prison guard could lead to tragedy. Red shook her head, a shiver shooting down her spine. She'd already witnessed that. With her head held high, she strode into the room where Nicky looked up expectantly. She nibbled on her thumbnail, and beamed when she saw Red. Nicky quickly stood, and held her arms out like a child. Red held her close, breathing in her scent. Nicky's mane tickled her neck but she continued anyway, at least until they were told to break it up by Ford.

Whilst she was pleased that Nicky wanted to see her, it also broke her heart. Who had let her down so many times that she had grown to expect it from everyone? As Red made her way to the table, it wasn't hard to figure out, and she wondered if Marka realized just how much she'd managed to fuck up.

"Red," Nicky smiled as they both sat down. She frowned in concern as she saw the worried look on her face, and instantly grasped her hands. The contact felt so natural it almost hurt to do it. She knew she would miss her touch immensely when she eventually left today. Red thought much the same, and let herself just stare at Nicky for a moment. It was a relief that she still remembered every freckle on her cheeks and the sparkle in her eye. "Ma, you okay?"

Red snapped back to reality, and nodded quickly. "I'm fine," Red reassured her, a hand caressing Nicky's shoulder. "I have a job interview on Monday," she said excitedly. She wasn't going to tell Nicky who she was going to be working for; there was no way she was letting her feel hopeful for that to be dashed as soon as it had begun. "A cook, just what I wanted to do."

"That's exciting." Nicky said, trying to make her voice less flat than she knew it sounded. She swallowed hard and exhaled, her hand coming to rest on her collarbone. Red watched, a concerned look appearing on her features. Nicky waved her hand and rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand, composing herself. "Just heartburn. It makes me feel..."

"Sick?" Red's face softened. She remembered her own pregnancies, and what a toll they took on her body - even with a husband insisting she got some rest. What did Nicky have here? Not much, Red thought sadly, her fingers tangling in Nicky's hair.

"I told you. Getting sick is for pussies. I don't believe in it."

"You're being careful, hmm? No getting yourself electrocuted. No..." she lowered her voice to a harsh whisper. "No _drugs."_

Nicky shook her head, closing her eyes for the briefest of moments. "No drugs," she said truthfully. The touch of another human that wasn't just a cheap thrill for the night felt nice. Not that she was getting many cheap thrills at the moment either.

"It's two centimeters now." Red said after a beat.

"What?" Nicky asked, shaking her head. She wasn't listening properly, and there was a fuzzy feeling in her head that she couldn't get rid of. It was a fog of missing Red, wanting to be alone, knowing that she was having to face a year of this, and everything else in between.

"Two centimeters and with a beating heart." Red continued, recalling the list she'd read online. It was a strange feeling; she wanted to be excited, and no matter how hard she tried to push it down, she still smiled when she thought of the new little life, though she tried to think of what Nicky would eventually decide. She still had weeks left to make that decision.

Nicky's eyes snapped up and reached Red's. They were sunken and underlined with darkness. _She should be glowing,_ Red thought. She didn't know if Nicky was angry at her. Or upset. Or just sick of life. Her jaw worked as she scrabbled for the right words. Her nostrils flared and Red braced herself for the shouting. For the cursing, for the _"shut the fuck up",_ for anything that would have shown a sign of life. But she said nothing.

"Nicky?"

Nicky's head snapped up again. "Red?" Her voice was small and she cleared her throat. "Do you love me?"

Red's eyes crinkled at the corners, her mouth pressed into a hard line. She didn't understand why she was asking this. Why she doubted it at all. The fact that she didn't seem to know this unequivocally unnerved Red. Didn't she know? Red's eyes flickered to Nicky's flat stomach. Would she ever know? "What?" Red finally settled on, her own head feeling as if it was stuffed with cotton wool. It was hard to focus now she had grown used to silence. Grown used to being alone.

"Do. You. Love. Me?" Nicky repeated. She pushed her hair back with her hand and exhaled heavily. She then titled her head, and tried not to let the hurt show on her face.

"Of course." Red said finally. "You're my child. My daughter," she frowned.

"Why?" Nicky replied, suddenly brighter. Her hand clutched to her stomach and she felt as if a tiny weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Red laughed softly. "It's not a conscious choice, Nicky. It just happens. I know it sounds like bullshit, but sometimes it's when you look down and see that tiny bundle of hope on your chest, and sometimes it's when fate brings two people together and it's just meant to be. You don't wake up one day and decide to love someone. Sometimes you have to work at it, yes, but you can't force it."

The gravity of her own words hit Red, and she realizes that Nicky must know that already. _You can't force love._ Nicky must lived with that very sentiment for most of her life, and it broke Red's heart to think of Nicky in each stage of life, forever wondering why her mom wasn't like everyone else's. "You know how to love, Nicky." Red said after a few moments of silence. "You radiate love, _malyshka,_ even if you don't see it."

" _Bullshit."_ Nicky countered quickly, her tone sharp but eyes glistening with tears. "Sex and drugs don't count."

Red sighed. "I don't mean sex and drugs!" She resisted the urge to slap Nicky on the back of the head and took a deep breath. It quickly subsided when Nicky put her head in her hands, her shoulders heaving. "Oh, honey. Don't worry," she said comfortingly, rubbing Nicky's neck gently. "Everything will be okay, I promise."

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" Nicky sobbed. Red half-smiled. She wished she could be there to comfort her, to let her know she wasn't alone, to rub her back when it got too much. But she knew the feeling of not being in control of your own body, of your own emotions.

"Hormones!" Red chuckled. Nicky looked up at her, staring through lashes heavy with tears, and gave a watery smile. "Everything will be okay," she soothed again. "I'm making a home for us both. It'll be ready for when you get out. I'm getting this job if it kills me."

Nicky was the one smiling this time, finally placated enough to enjoy the rest of the time they had together. It was already almost over and she wanted it to end on a more positive note. "There will be other jobs. There always is."

Red nodded, but gave Nicky a knowing smile. "Not like this one."

* * *

Monday morning rolled around quickly and Red rushed to get ready. She had already picked out her clothes, painstakingly wondering what on earth she could wear and finally settling on a conservative dress with black pumps. It would be practical and would also, she hoped, show that she was professional for the role. Her bakery had given her ample experience; she only had to prove herself to the PA and Marka, no-one else.

She sat down at the kitchen table and wrapped her hands around a coffee mug. Whilst it was nice to be so close to family, the job meant more than simply getting closer to Marka. It would allow Red freedom, and the ability to gather enough money to rent a place of her own. With Nicky. _For_ Nicky. She only hoped that she could do it. After she had drained the cup, she put it in the sink and called a goodbye to her son.

The outside air was crisp. Fall had swept away the stickiness that summer had left, and it made Red feel refreshed. A slow walk towards their meeting spot would be relaxing, and hopefully would make her seem less anxious than she was. As the door swung closed behind her, she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. An unfamiliar number showed on the screen and she held it to her ear as she answered. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Mrs Reznikov?" The rushed voice on the other end of the line sounded desperate.

"Yes," Red confirmed, her heart speeding up in anticipation. Was it Nicky? Was something wrong? Her boys? Had they had an accident? "Who is this? Why are you calling?"

"Sorry, I'm Becca, Mrs Nichols' PA. We were supposed to meet at eleven today. There's been a slight change of plans."

"Oh?" Red said, hoping that the position hadn't already been filled or was no longer needed. She crossed the fingers on her right hand. "Is that so?"

"Would it be possible for you to meet me at this address?" Becca says, quickly reeling off an address not too far from the original meeting place, "I seem to have made a mistake with the schedule. The dinner party is tonight, not tomorrow."

Red raised her eyebrows, but sighed in relief. If prison had taught her anything, it was work with what you've got. "That will be fine." There was an audible sigh of relief from Becca, too.

"Thank God," she muttered. "Can you tell me the ingredients you'll need? I'll get them before you arrive."

Red nodded, and reeled off a list of ingredients. "I'll be around ten minutes. See you then." Red said.

"I'll see you in ten, Ms Reznikov. And I'll be sure to put a good word in!" Becca said hurriedly.

Red shook her head as she ended the call. Rich people didn't live in the real world sometimes. The walk was short and pleasant, and as soon as she approached the building a doorman asked her for her name. After quietly introducing herself, he let her in and told her what floor she should go to, and how to get there. As soon as she knocked on the door, Becca answered quickly and ushered her through to a reasonably sized reception room.

Red looked around the room. She imagined a teenage Nicky ignoring her mother from this room. She imagined Paloma helping her with her homework. She swallowed the lump in her throat and accepted the tea that Becca offered her.

"So, Mrs Reznikov. Tell me your plans for this evening's menu. Mrs Nichols' hasn't said much; only that she wants to close a deal and that it must be of the highest standard. No food allergies that I'm aware of."

Red nodded. "I was thinking that I'd do roasted stuffed peppers for the appetizers, something light that helps conversation, followed by shoulder of lamb and dauphinoise potatoes. Finally, the dessert would be a simple New York cheesecake."

Becca smiled amicably. "Sure." Red waited for a moment, for any sign of approval or a nod of recognition. "Oh, sorry," Becca laughed self-consciously. "The kitchen's the first door on the right."

Red nodded, slightly bemused. "I'll have it finished by six."

* * *

"And finally..." Red said, bringing out a cheesecake on a serving plate. "The dessert. New York cheesecake. Enjoy," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. The night, at least for her, was finally over. Marka gave her a small smile, her eyes crinkling. It was almost easy to forget how much of a bitch she could be. Almost.

Red retreated to the kitchen and sat down at the table, rubbing her temples. Ten o'clock had come and gone, and she was beginning to feel her eyelids drooping. After what felt like an eternity, the noise from the guests began to die down and she could hear the scraping of chairs on the wooden floors. It felt like a weight lifted. Marka sauntered into the kitchen, kicking her heels off and grinning.

"Did you manage to seal the deal?" Red asked politely, wishing that Marka would just put her out of her misery and tell her whether she got the job or not.

Marka smirks. "Yes! Those businessmen didn't know what hit them." She takes her earrings off and looks at the spotless kitchen. "Very nice. Of course there are the dessert dishes out there that need to be cleaned. But don't worry about them." Red smiled gratefully. "You can do them in the morning."

The smile faded from Red's lips. _Generous._ And then it sunk in. "You want me back tomorrow?" Red said, trying to conceal her excitement.

"Of course. Would nine o'clock work? No dinner party. Just a normal day's work."

Red nodded quickly. "That's fine."

Marka smiled. "Goodnight, Mrs Reznikov."

"Goodnight, Mrs Nichols," Red said, finally heading for the door. She was grateful that she was going to be in bed soon, and she was grateful that she'd finally be able to tell Nicky some good news. She couldn't wait to see her. Red looked up into the sky. "Goodnight, Nicky, _"_ she whispered. "I'm gonna make everything okay, _malyshka._ Just you wait and see..."

 **Tell me what you think in a review please! I hope you enjoyed this sort of long chapter. It's mostly focused on Red so hope you don't mind that. Let me know what you think and want to see next!**

 **\- Star xo**


	4. Month Three

_Month three_

Nicky yawned at breakfast, fingers raking through her messy hair. It was too early for this shit, she thought, bleary eyes staring around the room. Inmates chatting surrounded her, including her own prison family, but she couldn't be bothered to focus on any of the words; every word and sentence seemed blurred into a sludgy monotonous stream of consciousness.

Without saying a goodbye, Nicky threw out most of her food and headed for her cube again. She found herself getting so tired these days. Black circles underlined her eyes despite the lack of eyeliner. Before she could even take a step out of the cafeteria, she heard her own name being yelled.

"Hey, Nichols!" Mendoza raised her eyebrows as Nicky turned around to face her. Nicky rolled her eyes and nodded a greeting before starting to turn back again. "Hey! Respect your elders. Get your ass over here."

Nicky heaved a sigh and joined Gloria in the empty kitchen. She'd clearly sent her girls away so that she could talk to Nicky, but Nicky didn't know what she wanted to talk about, and to be truthful, didn't feel much like talking at all.

"You don't like my cooking?" Gloria asked Nicky as she sat down uncomfortably on some crates that were supposed to have been put away. That, if Red were here, would have been put away as soon as they got through the door. Nicky was barely paying attention.

"Listen," Gloria said, looking Nicky straight in the eye. "I know you're missing her, but you've gotta eat. It wasn't even spicy today." She sighed, and waited for an answer. Nicky swallowed, amazed by the fact that Gloria had noticed something was wrong, and by the fact that she wanted to help. "I promised Red I'd look out for you. So, what? Promised no drugs but turning fucking anorexic?" She shook her head angrily. "Ay, dios mio! This is bullshit, Nichols. You want me to tell your mama?"

Nicky winced. "Of course I fucking don't." She took a deep breath. "What do you want me to do, Mendoza?" She was too tired to argue and she needed someone to guide her.

Gloria, hands on hips, stared Nicky down. "Snap out of this self destruction, mija." She passed Nicky a plate. "Grilled cheese. Just like you always bugged Red for, right?" Gloria wasn't asking a question. For weeks, Nicky hadn't been able to think straight. A fog clouded her brain, and she had been numb to many emotions. But this simple act of kindness was enough to make her want to cry. She nodded at Gloria and picked up half, tears pricking at her eyes.

"Yeah." Nicky said hoarsely.

Gloria pretended she didn't notice for both of their sakes. For Nicky, she was sure she didn't need reminding of how much she had grown used to a mother. Of how much she needed one now she had been given one. And for herself, because the sight of her reminded her that her own boys were out there, lost without a mother. Even if she couldn't help her own kids, she could help someone else's. It made her feel better, and as Nicky nibbled at the edges of the sandwich, it was clear that she was feeling better, if only for the ten minutes it took to eat.

As Nicky finished the first half, despite the nausea that she would face afterwards, it felt good. She still felt empty, but she felt less faint, and like someone had her back. It was a nice feeling.

Gloria nodded, pleased with herself. "Good girl," she said quietly. She wrapped an arm around Nicky's shoulder. "It'll be okay. You know that, right?" Nicky tried to fight the lump in her throat but failed, and a sob escaped from her lips anyway. Gloria chuckled softly and brought her closer. "I know the feeling. But it will be. Just months left, right? And then a whole new beginning."

It was Nicky who laughed that time, nodding in agreement. She didn't know the accuracy of her statement. "You could say that again."

* * *

Visiting hour always seemed to roll around incredibly slowly, and Nicky wondered why sixty minutes in one situation could feel like a lifetime, yet in another, could feel like the blink of an eye. She checked the clock again. Five minutes left until inmates would be called to sit at those little tables. Five minutes until she could finally feel physical contact again, something she had been missing hugely. Five minutes until those blue eyes could calm her down, tell her that everything would be okay.

As soon as she heard the signal, she was almost running to the visitors' room. It was pathetic, and she knew it, but these hour sessions were her lifeline. She flashed Luschek a grin as she didn't wait to be given the okay. She knew he didn't care and he said nothing as she took a seat near the back of the room.

It seemed to take another eternity for the visitors to start pouring in. A flash of crimson hair was all it took for Nicky to jump up. It didn't matter that people stared from the window. All she wanted was to wrap her arms around Red, regardless of shots and stares.

"I have good news." Red whispered to Nicky as she buried her face into her neck. Her strong arms felt nice around Nicky's back. They felt supportive, and God knew she needed all the support she could get. "Come, sit."

"Good news?" Nicky asked, pushing her from her eyes. She thought back to their last meeting, and remembered Red's news about her interview. "You got the job!" Nicky said, trying her best to sound pleased, "I know you really wanted it."

"It pays well. I want to be out of Yuri's house, especially by the time you get released." Red smiled, the unspoken words hanging in the air between them. I'm setting up our lives. "Everything is going well, though it's fucking weird." Red laughed easily, something she struggled to do now. "Sleeping in the dark. The quiet. Not having to cook for so many people!" Red nodded nostalgically. "It's...it takes some getting used to," she admitted with a sigh. "But what about you, malyshka? How are you?"

"My back hurts." Nicky frowned. "Now I get why you were pissed all of the time when cooking. Standing around fucking sucks for back pain." Nicky sighed as she remembered trying to find somewhere, anywhere, to sit whilst trying to fix a TV in electrical.

"Get Norma to rub it. Or ask Yoga Jones about stretches that help," Red suggested. Nicky scoffed instantly.

"Asking for advice from a hippie or the silent squirrel? They're great people, yadda yadda, but I can't say I want any of them touching my back or telling me that my chakras are off balance or some other hippie bullshit."

Red sighed but ignored her comment. She had been working up the nerve to tell Nicky her employer, and wondering how she would take the news. "I have something else to tell you."

"Yeah?" Nicky said, eyes flickering up to meet Red's.

"The job I applied for. It was for Marka."

"Marka?" Nicky repeated. The name felt weird. It didn't roll off of the tongue, but instead seemed to stick in her throat. "Why the fuck would you do that?"

"She doesn't know who I am. Nicky, are you being deliberately dense? I did this for you! For, you know," Red said, her voice lowered.

"I don't care." Nicky said childishly. The sound of her chair scraping against the floor made a scene and she stood up forcefully. "I'm done with this shit." As she stood up, she felt a strange feeling on her legs. Like when Morello had spilled a drink on her bed and forgot to tell her. With a frown, she wiped the back of herself with a hand and looked at her fingers. Her hand was coated in scarlet, shaking as she simply stared. Panic immediately rose in her throat and she felt sick with fear. "Ma, what the fuck?" Nicky asked anxiously, touching the back of her pants. Her voice grew hysterical. "What's happening? Why am I bleeding? Ma?"

Red instantly stood, fingers scrabbling for Nicky's hands. She stared at the back of Nicky's pants for what seemed like years. Crimson liquid seeped dangerously, the patch growing larger. Their eyes met; blue meeting brown in a mesh of emotions. Her voice sounded like a child as she piped up quietly, "Mom?"

The commotion finally forced Luschek to look up from his magazine. His eyes widened in horror and he was immediately by their side. "What the fuck, Nichols? What have you done?" His voice, usually held back by a lazily slow cadence, dripped with alarm. He held his radio to his mouth. "I'm gonna need backup here. And medical. _Quickly."_

He pulled a chair towards her and gently pushed her down. His eyes locked with Red over her head and they asked a million questions without saying a word. Red's hands, preoccupied with rubbing Nicky's back, came up to rub her own temples. Her mind whirled but all she could focus on was Nicky's hyperventilating. "Shh, _malyshka._ Everything will be fine." Red lied. She had no idea what was going on, but the blood...she shook her head. It wasn't something she wanted to focus on. "Where is the damn doctor?" Red demanded. Luschek, who looked just as panicked as her, shrugged his shoulders whilst pressing his radio again. If there was one comforting aspect of this whole experience, Red thought miserably, it was the fact that Luschek looked truly horrified. She knew that he was a lazy ass and pretty bad at his job, but he and Nicky had a weird, fucked up kind of relationship. If nothing else, there was concern for one another. And it showed on his face as he glared at the doctor, who had finally arrived.

"Name?" The doctor asked as he helped Nicky into the wheelchair, the stain on her pants becoming more and more obvious. Nicky winced in response but couldn't bring herself to answer.

"Nichols." Red said instantly, her fingers never losing touch with Nicky's. "Nicky Nichols."

"Okay." He turned his attention to Luschek. "Tell Mr Caputo what's happened. She may to stay in the infirmary. Nicky, I take it this isn't your normal monthly cycle?"

Red glared at him, horrified by his ignorance. "Does she look fucking twelve? I think she'd know if it was."

Nicky shook her head miserably, letting her hair fall into place. "Red," she said desperately, gritting her teeth in pain. "Don't leave me. Please, Ma - stay with me." Nicky begged.

Red swallowed hard. She would give anything to be allowed that, but a shake of the doctor's head was all that needed to be said on that one - it was never going to happen. "Listen, _malyshka -_ you'll be fine. The doctors will take care of you. I'm here now, aren't I?" Red bit back the lump in her throat and pulled Nicky's head close to her chest as she sobbed. "Whatever happens, I'l be waiting for you. I'll come and visit you as soon as I can, honey," she said, squeezing her face and kissing her forehead. "Don't be scared, Nicky."

Nicky looked back at Red as the doctor wheeled her away. As soon as Nicky turned the corner, Red put her head in her hands. _Don't be scared, Nicky._ She sighed, her hands trembling and heart thudding fast. Would she be okay? Would the baby be okay? What if they weren't? _Don't be scared, Nicky._

If only she could take her own fucking advice.

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **I hope you like this chapter. Please tell me what you thought and what you want to see next chapter in a review. Happy Sunday!**_

 _ **\- Star xo**_


	5. Month Three: Part Two

Nicky held her breath, the gel on her stomach startlingly real. A part of her felt like this was still a nightmare, something she would wake up from in a cold sweat, finding out that everything was okay.

"One moment." The doctor said, his voice mostly monotone but colored with undercurrents of the tiniest hint of intrigue as he prepared the ultrasound probe.

Nicky remained silent, the only noise being the hitch of her already uneven breathing and the hum of the machines in the room. It was silence, but the worst kind - a trepidation filled limbo where she held onto anything that could proffer a smidgen of hope. Nothing like the silence she had imagined enjoying blissfully when she left the hell hole named Litchfield. And then a tiny thudding heartbeat filled the room. A flood of emotions rushed through Nicky. Relief, though she wasn't sure she should be. Terror - because, well...now what?

She swallowed hard. It was hard to concentrate on the doctor's sighs and horror stricken face as she concentrated on the tiny thuds of its heartbeat. Of her baby's heartbeat. Nicky blinked back tears. The only thing that could make her feel better was Red's presence, and she knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Thank God." Nicky murmured, surprising even herself with the genuine rush of solace she found in the tiny beating of the tiny heart. If she hadn't known before, at least deep down, she knew now. She cared about the tiny life growing inside of her, and as much as she felt sick at the thought of being a _mother_ she knew that she would do anything to protect it, even despite not knowing them yet. Despite not even wanting to think about the stupid decisions she'd made. Now that it existed, she would do anything in her power to keep it safe.

"You're around twelve weeks pregnant." The doctor said, an eyebrow raised. "You a Christian, Nichols?"

Nicky looked up and scoffed. "No. Why, you see me in the chapel lately?"

The doctor gave a small snort of laughter. "Nope. But you've been here a lot longer than twelve weeks, inmate. Wondered if you were going to claim an immaculate conception."

Nicky laughed this time, despite the shitty circumstances. It was like a weight had been lifted from her, and although she knew a shit storm was about to go down with management, she was safe on this bed. "You think Caputo would buy that?"

"If it got him out of a law suit." The doctor took his gloves off, and wrote something indistinguishable on Nicky's chart. "But I don't think so."

"You're right." Nicky sighed. "Besides, God's probably too busy building a rapture bus for the Appalachian meth heads to focus on the next savior of the Earth." She nibbled on her thumbnail, worry seeping its way in, and glanced up at the doctor's confused face. "Don't ask."

"Right." The doctor shot back. "The bleed was most likely caused by a minor infection. We can give you antibiotics to try and keep it under control, but everything looked fine with the scan, and the bleeding seems to have stopped."

"Okay," Nicky said numbly. The reality was finally hitting her, and she was responsible for something other than herself. It was a terrifying thought, but one she could take on.

"You can rest here until Mr Caputo finishes his meeting. He wants to speak with you," the doctor continued. He tapped his pen on the clipboard. "Good luck with that one, Nichols."

Nicky nodded again, swallowing hard. "I'm gonna need more than luck," she said miserably.

"Divine intervention, maybe?" The doctor said with a half smile. Despite being an inmate and having made a bad choice, he felt for her. It couldn't be easy.

Nicky laughed humorlessly. "Sounds about right."

* * *

"Twelve weeks pregnant, sir." The doctor reported, barely glancing at the notes on Nicky's chart. It was becoming an epidemic, it seemed, with inmate Diaz's child seemingly only entered the world a few months previously. Caputo groaned and waved a dismissive hand to the doctor.

"Thanks, but I can take it from here." He said tersely. The door closed behind the doctor and Caputo focused his attention on Nicky. "What the fuck, Nichols? Explain - _now."_

Nicky glared, a hard stare peeking out from fringed eyelashes. "I'm not talking about this." Her response came out as a defiant statement and Caputo leaned back on his chair, his eyebrows raised.

"I don't think you have a choice in the matter." Caputo said. He hesitated for a moment before narrowing his eyes. "Luschek?" He asked.

"For fuck's sake." Nicky rolled her eyes. "Why does everyone think Luschek? He's an asshole, and has breath like dead things."

Caputo nodded, conceding. "You noticed too?" He shuddered, and shook his head. "Then who, Nichols? I'm going to hazard a guess that you didn't just slip and fall. And I'm also going to guess you didn't choose the fucker based on looks, because I don't think any of them are your type."

"I slipped up." Nicky said quietly, running her fingers through her hair.

"Was it consensual?" Caputo tried to confirm. "Not that it can be, in here, but you know what I mean."

"I'm not talking about it!" Nicky repeated, shaking her head so emphatically that her curls bounced around her shoulders. "I'll talk..." she looked wildly around the room, and her eyes landed on the phone on the edge of his desk. "I'll talk if you let me call Red. For longer than two minutes," she added quickly.

"You don't have any negotiating power here, Nichols!" Caputo reminded her. "But if you talk, then I'll let you call Reznikov." His eyes fluttered to a plant on his desk. "I need to ask her a question about my cactus anyway. It just doesn't seem to be thriving..." he shook his head, realizing she had managed to make him go off on a tangent. "So go on. Spill."

Nicky bit her lip. "Am I going to get sent to max for this?" She asked suspiciously, elbows leaning on his desk. "Cause I can't go back there again, fuck that. And I can't have extra time. Please, I need to know."

Caputo held his hands up with a sigh. "I'm a reasonable man, right, Nichols? I don't want you to go down the hill anymore than you want to go. I'm trying my fucking best here, to make this a better prison. Help me out. I can't have rapist guards. And even if you say it wasn't rape, you cannot consent in here." He shook his head. "Not that I understand why you would." He gave her a pointed look.

Nicky nodded. " _He_ came up to me. I swear," she added quickly, looking him straight in the eye. "Anderson. Said he had heard about me from max. I made some deals down there...favors, shall we say, uh, for a chemical pick me up."

"Fucking hell." Caputo exhaled forcefully. "You've gotta be kidding me. You go down the hill for drugs, and you can get them easier down there than up here?" He shook his head angrily. "The whole fucking system is corrupt. Anderson?" He scribbled the name down on a scrap of paper. "And what? You were bored? Couldn't find a desperate inmate?"

Nicky narrowed her eyes. "Are you being deliberately obtuse, or does it come naturally?" Nicky snapped. Then she closed her eyes for a moment and calmed herself down; she needed that promised phone call more than anything right now. "He offered me heroin."

Caputo ignored her insults. His jaw worked hard in an attempt to find the right words, but they escaped him every time he opened his mouth. He put down his pen and stared hard at Nicky. "Let me get this straight." He said through gritted teeth, for he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "A _CO_ offered you heroin to sleep with him. CO Anderson." Nicky held her own and nodded. " _Shit._ I've been trying to get rid of that motherfucker for weeks. You get rid of one and ten more psychos take their places!"

The genuine concern in Caputo's voice made Nicky feel even worse than she already did after the morning's events. He shuffled papers on his desk and sighed. "I need to know, Nichols. Do you wish to continue the pregnancy, or terminate it?"

Nicky stared up at him. She hadn't expected to face this decision for weeks, and whilst she knew she wanted to protect her child at all costs, would protecting it include protecting it from herself? Nicky shook her head miserably, questions swirling in her mind. She couldn't be a fit mother, she thought, twisting the fabric of her shirt under the desk.

"I wanna make the phone call now." Nicky said quietly. "Please."

Caputo nodded. He wasn't inhuman and he wasn't going to make her suffer for a mistake, even if it was a monumental fuck up on everyone's part. He passed her the phone, and sat back in his desk. "I can't leave." He rubbed his eyes and took off his glasses. "You know the number?"

"Yeah." Nicky confirmed, punching it in. "Thank you, Mr Caputo."

Red had always prided herself on being able to take control of situations, of problems she faced in her life. People thought she had lost that ability, that privilege, when she was incarcerated. But they would be wrong. She'd seized that chef's hat and apron and she'd made a life for herself inside. She was respected and she was revered. She was even feared. It made her feel powerful.

Now, as she sat on a chair in Marka Nichols' apartment, she felt useless. She had no power in the outside world. She didn't even have a place to call her own, as much as she tried to remedy that. As she stewed, thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong, she was glad Marka wasn't at home. She couldn't imagine having to make small talk with the woman who was her daughter's biological mother, whilst worrying about everything that had happened to Nicky that morning. What a fucked up scenario.

She wished she could have stayed with her. Nicky's face had taken on the expression of a wild animal. A terrified, hunted animal. And all that _blood..._ Red shook her head. She couldn't bear it any longer. And then her phone began to ring.

"Hello?" She picked up instantly, her hands scrabbling to the phone like it was a life line. Like it had been so many times before. "Who's calling?"

"Ma?" The tiny voice rang out, unsure of herself and timid. Totally unlike her daughter, her bright and vibrant, loud daughter. "It's Nicky." Like she needed to be told. "I'm in Caputo's office. He let me ring you. I just wanted to let you know..."

"Caputo? Put him on, Nicky, please," Red demanded. She needed to speak with him; she needed to make sure that Nicky wouldn't be punished for this. She only had a year left on her sentence. A year and they'd be together, and Nicky could make her life hers again. She wouldn't let it be whipped away because of drugs. Not again.

"Ma, listen," Nicky said wearily. "I heard it today."

"Heard it?" Red repeated, confused. "What did you hear?"

"I heard its heartbeat." Nicky said, a small smile finally appearing on her lips. "It was tiny and it thudded but it was there and I heard it."

"You did?" Red said incredulously. "You mean the baby's okay?"

"I think so." Nicky smiled. "The doctor said maybe an infection. I have antibiotics. But everything seems okay...Ma?"

"Yes, Nicky?"

"I have to make a decision now."

"Yes," Red sighed heavily. It had been weighing on her mind before this morning's scare. What Nicky would do once everyone found out. If she'd be okay. If she'd be hauled down to max and a longer sentence. If the baby would be okay, and if it was...then what? "You do."

"I think I need to do this." Nicky said. "I think, I think I _want_ to do this. I saw its heart beating. I can't not. But what about me? I won't make a good mother. I can barely look after myself. Wouldn't it be protecting it if I just destroyed it before it began?" The thought made her feel sick and her fist clenched against her stomach. "I don't know if I can do either. If I can get rid of it. Or if I can look after it."

"I understand," Red said, remembering her own first pregnancy. It was in better circumstances to say the least, and she still had every one of Nicky's fears about being inadequate as a mother. "But I think you know what you want by now. I saw your face this morning. Don't do something regrettable out of fear."

"Do you think I can do it?" Nicky asked , desperately seeking approval. Validation that would only hold any weight coming from one person.

"What's the hardest thing you've ever had to do?" Red asked, already knowing the answer.

"Getting clean." Nicky said predictably. "Though I think I've failed at that recently. Why?"

"Because having this baby will be ten times harder than that. A hundred times, maybe. But I believe in you, Nicky. And you haven't failed in getting clean. You made a mistake and fucked up. You'll do that plenty in motherhood too. But...I think you can do it. And I think you'll give your child everything you should have had and more."

"If I do this, nothing will be the same again, will it?" Nicky asked.

Red laughed and shook her head despite being alone. "No, _malyshka._ But if you do this, you'll wonder how you ever lived without them."

"Do you feel that way about your boys?" Nicky asked softly.

"And my girl." Red said, a hint of sadness coloring her voice. "But neither of us will have to wonder that for long. Because we're all going to be together again soon. You just have to last a year more. Just a year."

"Just a year," Nicky echoed. "Just a year."

 _ **Hey dolls. I hope you're all well and that you enjoyed the chapter.  
Please leave a review telling me what you thought and what you want to see.  
Stay safe and have a lovely week.**_

 _ **\- Star xo**_


	6. Month Four

_Month four_

"It's an avocado now," Red said, squinting at her phone as she stood in Marka's kitchen. "My little avocado!"

Nicky rolled her eyes as she played with the phone cord. This month it was an avocado. Last month it was a lime. "Ma, will you stop comparing it to food? I know that's your thing, but I'm fucking _starving._ "

"You're starving?" Red asked, her train of thought completely derailed from the pregnancy app she had made Vasily install. She pushed her glasses to rest on her head and leaned on the counter, all thoughts of Marka's lunch abandoned. "Why haven't you been eating?"

"I have," Nicky complained. She rolled her eyes and continued, "But it's like I've got a parasite or some shit. I'm always hungry." She sighed, rocked on her heels and groaned. "I'm getting so fat," she complained, pinching the skin on her stomach.

Red rolled her eyes but felt her heart breaking a little for Nicky. Pregnancy took up so much of your energy, and it was hard enough to do on the outside, let alone struggling through with no husband or mother whilst incarcerated. "You're not getting fat. I saw you last week, and you're still too skinny. Listen, _malyshka_. Buy some things from commissary and don't worry about getting fat. You do have a parasite, of sorts…" Red raised her eyebrows as she recalled the morning she had experienced whilst helping Vasily look for his car keys as he got later and later for work. "God knows they'll be leeching off of you for years to come."

"Thank you, Red, for the rosy life view." Nicky laughed dryly, leaning against the wall. She sighed. "So...an avocado is getting pretty big, right?" Nicky's eyes shined. As much as she tried to push it down, she felt something that resembled excitement...some sort of trepidation deep inside her. Something enormous was going to happen, and she could feel every effect of it as she stood in Litchfield penitentiary. It was also a scary thought. What would it be next month? And the month after that? It made her feel squeamish when she thought of how big it would grow to be - and, of course, how difficult it would be to push something the size of a watermelon out of her body.

"It is." Red said proudly. She glanced at her phone again, resting her glasses on her nose. "It has fingerprints already, and its heart is already beating twice as fast as yours."

Nicky let a small smile creep onto her features. Her own heart often felt like it was going to pound through her chest and it was almost a comfort knowing that it was nothing compared to how the baby's heart was racing in there. Not that she often thought of her tiny parasite as a baby. She thought of it fondly, despite the moniker, but it still brought her considerable anxiety to think about as a real yet tiny still forming human being. "Fingerprints?" Nicky echoed. Her hands rested conspicuously on her stomach, despite the fact that she still hadn't told anyone, and she laughed softly. "Fingerprints cause nothing but trouble..." she looked around.

"Only for people making their own trouble." Red laughed back. "Speaking of trouble...have you told anyone yet?"

Nicky hesitated. Red had made it clear that she thought that Nicky needed someone on her side on the inside, especially at a time like this, but Nicky felt unable to tell anyone, not even Lorna. She had tried numerous times, yet every time she opened her mouth to say it, the words remained stuck in her suddenly dry throat and she said something completely unrelated...something completely irrelevant. "No." Nicky admitted reluctantly.

"I think you should." Red said, and Nicky could see her raised eyebrow. "Tell Lorna. She won't tell anyone. And you need _support,_ Nicky. I cannot stress that enough."

"I really don't want to," Nicky said in a whisper. Her voice was hoarse and she'd clearly spent a lot of time mulling the decision over. "I can't." Telling Lorna would make it feel more real, and it would also change their relationship. It had been the one steady thing since Red had left - Lorna needing her. She always could rely on the fact that Lorna would need her, that never seemed to change.

"I thought you might say that." Red said with a sigh as she drummed her fingers on the counter top.

Nicky paused suspiciously. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Red insisted innocently. "Just look after yourself, sweetheart. I'll come and see you soon, okay? I've got to go - Marka's coming and she'll want her lunch."

Nicky nodded miserably. "Of course she will."

Red exhaled heavily. "You'll be out before you know it," she said comfortingly, her voice barely above a whisper. "And then I'll make you anything you want. No matter how unreasonable...even if it's at three AM."

"I'll hold you to that." Nicky threatened, a laugh escaping from her lips. It felt unnatural to be laughing, but also like a huge weight was being lifted from her shoulders. A nice feeling, but an unfamiliar one.

"I expect nothing else."

* * *

"Ramos, deal with this!" Gloria yelled over the noise of preparing dinner in the kitchen and pulled her chef's hat from her head. Sometimes she felt like tearing her hair out after a day working in the kitchen; she didn't know how Red had handled it for all of those years. Slipping out of the steamy kitchen, Gloria quietly headed for the phones. She held a letter in her hands and scanned over it once more whilst punching in the number at the bottom of it.

After the rhetoric about accepting a call from an inmate in prison, a voice answered immediately, and it sounded expectant and bored at the same time. "I wondered when you were going to call."

"You did?" Gloria scoffed, holding the letter up. "I only got your letter this morning. I'm spending my phone call on you, so it better be good."

"Mendoza, when have I ever let you down?" Red laughed softly. It was a strange, almost comforting thing, bantering with Gloria once again. She was in familiar territory when she had been

Gloria raised an eyebrow. "So let me hear it. I'm guessing it's about your girl. I saw that shit go down at visiting. But I know better than to ask, not in here. She seems okay now. A bit out of it, but not drugs. They've really cracked down on that," Gloria revealed, pursing her lips and nodding in approval. "So spill, Red. What's up?"

"I need to have your word, Mendoza, before I tell you - do I have your word?" Red's words came out rushed and nothing like the usual, well thought out eloquence she usually spoke with. Gloria could tell this was serious, and she sobered immediately, standing straighter and glancing around to see if anyone was watching.

"Dios mio," she breathed, growing impatient. "You have my word, Reznikov. But you gotta hurry, it's the dinner shift and I left Ramos in charge."

"Didn't she almost lose a finger last time you left her in charge?" Red asked, voice dripping with contempt. Gloria rolled her eyes.

"Who needs ten fingers?" Gloria asked weakly. "Besides, it makes no difference to me," she sighed, "She's pretty bad at most things in the kitchens. All those bitches do is talk all day."

"What else is there to do?" Red shrugged. Then she sighed. "Actually, there are a _lot_ of other things that your girls could be doing...you should be glad they're not. Anyway...back to _my_ girl…"

* * *

"She fucking told you!" Nicky fumed as she paced around in the kitchen, empty apart from Gloria who stared at her from the box of crates she was sitting on. "She had no right!"

"She had no right?" Gloria raised her eyebrow. "She's worried about you. Moms tend to do that - I know, it's boring and annoying as hell but that's what they're there for. You know that, right? When you have yours-"

"Don't fucking say that!" Nicky snapped, her voice growing hysterical. She held her head in her hands for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Sorry, sorry. I know I sound like Lorna. For fuck's sake, I sound like the girl your people call Lorna La Loca."

"Not all of us." Gloria lied, coming to a stand. "You want a snack?"

Nicky rolled her eyes. "Red told you to feed me too, huh? What else? Keep me off of drugs? Tell me to behave?" Nicky didn't sound angry anymore, just withdrawn. She sat on a crate next to Gloria and pulled her knees to her chest. She looked up at Gloria.

"So is that a yes?" Gloria said simply, pulling down a bin of ingredients. Nicky nodded, temper no longer flaring, and bit her lip. "It's alright, you know," Gloria said comfortingly. "The first is always scary, no matter where you are. You always feel like you've made a massive fuck up, even if the little one was wanted."

"There are better places than prison to have a baby." Nicky retorted as she rolled her eyes. She rested her chin on her knees. "I don't know what to do, Gloria." She whispered into the dimly lit kitchen. "I need Red."

"She's not here." Gloria stated with a shrug as she pulled out a strawberry yogurt and slid it to Nicky. "You're gonna have to deal with this whether you like it or not, Nichols. You've got your girl Morello, you've got Red when you get out. You've got a hell of a lot more than half of these women, and they've already got three or more on the outside. At least yours won't know you're gone."

"I'll know." Nicky said quietly, thinking it through. She exhaled heavily. "Marka has to take it. I haven't even asked her yet." Nicky barked a humorless laugh. "I haven't even _told_ her yet."

"You've got time." Gloria said, and they exchanged a glance about how ironic that statement really was. "She's your mother. She'll freak out for a bit and then she'll take it. Right?"

Nicky nibbled on her thumbnail and looked up at Gloria grimly. "I know my mom would take the baby." Nicky said, shooting Gloria a worried look. "I'm just not sure Marka will."

* * *

"Lorna?" Nicky whispered into the darkness. Her hands played with the raven hair that tickled her neck and it felt so nice to feel someone else's skin against hers. Prison could be a cold and lonely place and feeling the warmth of someone else could be a comfort when nothing else was. Wrapped up together in the dark dormitories felt like they were in their own little bubble and it made Nicky feel less alone.

"Yeah?" Lorna whispered in reply, her own mind occupied with weddings and husbands and what was for breakfast in the morning.

"I have something to tell you." Nicky said, the words barely forming. She felt sick, and she knew it wasn't the morning sickness that had mostly passed in the last month or so.

"You do?" Lorna whispered back. She snuggled into Nicky and sighed contentedly. "You're so warm. It's so cold in here."

Nicky snickered as Lorna ran her feet over her legs in an attempt to warm them. "Keep your toes away from me, they're like icicles." She sighed and looked up at Lorna seriously. "Do you promise to not freak out?"

Lorna frowned. "I don't freak out," she said defensively. "Do I?" She fretted. "I try to listen, because my mother always used to say that silence could be the loudest thing-"

"But she never shut the fuck up." Nicky finished with a smile, shaking her head. "I know."

"Oh, I've said that before?"

"Just a couple of times," Nicky admitted. It was always telling, the way girls spoke of their mothers. Would Nicky experience that as a mother one day? Would her child tell others horror stories from their upbringing? She hoped not, of course, but she could promise nothing. Another worry to add to the list, she thought, staring up at the dormitory ceiling as she tried to recoup her composure and find the right words.

"What were you going to tell me, sweetie?" Lorna steered the conversation back on track and stared Nicky in the eye. It wasn't often the blonde was serious, and she wanted to know what the matter was before she changed the subject with a joke or a witty comeback that would mean whatever it was would never be heard.

Nicky snaked her arm around to hold Lorna's hand. She placed it on her stomach and spread her fingers out so her palm rested against the gentle curve of her tiny bump. Lorna said nothing for a few moments. Nicky didn't even know if she could feel anything amiss, anything different from her usually flat stomach.

Lorna ran her hands over Nicky's hips and felt nothing strange. "What is it?"

Nicky closed her eyes. "A mistake that I'm trying to get my head around."

"A mistake?" Lorna echoed. Her hands ran over Nicky's abdomen and her eyes widened as she finally felt the tiny gentle curve. "Wait, you don't mean...?"

Nicky wrapped her hands around Lorna's and nodded. "Four months." She whispered. "Please don't tell anyone else."

Lorna stared at Nicky, her eyes shining with tears in the darkness. How had she not noticed? She scrabbled for the right words. Once again, she had failed Nicky. "What happened?" Lorna asked, her face a picture of confusion. Nicky shook her head. "Did something...did you want to?" Lorna asked tearfully.

Nicky took a deep breath. "Let me start from the beginning..."

 ** _Hey lovelies! It's been awhile, I know, but here's the next chapter and I hope you liked it. Please leave a review telling me what you thought and what you'd like to see.  
Happy Sunday!_**

 ** _\- Star xo_**


	7. Month Five

_Month five_

Nicky sat with Luschek, rolling an unlit cigarette between her fingers. She sighed wistfully as she stared at one of her tamer former vices, wishing she could light it up and feel the smoke filling her lungs.

Luschek watched her, a throaty tobacco filled laugh spilling from his lips. Despite the laugh, he regarded her with a smile as he spoke. "You're a fucking idiot."

"Takes one to know one," Nicky quipped. "Are you referring to the fact that I'm in prison, knocked up, or a drug addict?" The list rolled easily off of her tongue and it almost made her cringe. _Almost._ She was having too much fun doing absolutely nothing productive with Luschek to care about the long list of things wrong with her.

"Is all of the above an option?" Luschek raised an eyebrow, his eyes twinkling with bemusement at her lackadaisical tone and the way she just came out with what she had to say. He'd always admired that about her, even when it got her into trouble; hell, even when it got _him_ into trouble and he was cursing her name, he still admired her brass neck.

"Eh, it probably should be," Nicky conceded, turning the cigarette in her fingers. She heaved a sigh and placed the cigarette down on the table. Her left hand ghosted her stomach, the rounding curve of her abdomen feeling more and more familiar each month. She was more than half way through her pregnancy now, and it felt strange that in less time that had passed with her baby inside her, she would be meeting her child. It was a strange, sobering thought.

"Hey!" Luschek's booming voice cut through the air. His annoyance was aimed at Janae, who rocked back on her chair as she handed out tools. "For fuck's sake, don't let the newts play with the wires. I don't need another disciplinary." Janae said nothing and instead relied on an obscene hand gesture once he had turned to convey her feelings. Nicky smiled faintly.

Luschek turned his attention back to Nicky, shaking his head. "You know how many people have asked me if it's mine?" Luschek asked with a sideways glance to Nicky.

Nicky wrinkled her nose and pushed her hair back. "Ew, really?"

Luschek frowned at her before cracking a smile. "I said the same thing to them, Nichols." He laughed easily and then shifted in his seat. He scratched the back of his neck and Nicky knew that an awkward question was on the horizon. She avoided his gaze and stared into the distance whilst he worked up the nerve.

"I didn't do it because I liked him, you know." Nicky said quietly, before he got the chance to say anything. Her voice was distant and she ran her fingers over her lips thoughtfully. She didn't like how weak she sounded. She didn't like that Luschek was in a position of power over her and she was basically giving him permission to laugh in her face. To mock her about this whole shitty situation. But she still looked up at him hopefully, wishing that he could understand and not knowing why she wanted him to. "I don't know if Caputo gave you the run down. He probably did," Nicky shrugged.

"He didn't." Luschek said with a tight, reluctant smile that gave away the fact that he was lying through his teeth. Nicky nodded softly, jutting her chin out defiantly. "So why'd you do it? And with Anderson, he's an ass - you know he doesn't actually take drugs, right?"

Nicky raises an eyebrow. "Is that why he's an ass? Because he _doesn't_ take drugs?" She laughs, her eyes wide and curious to see what his idea of logic was. They shone with amusement for the first time in a long time. "Does that make me Mother Theresa? What about you? You'd be..." she stopped. "I don't know, whoever the male version of her is." She rolled her eyes. But she knew what he meant; he had purchased and was carrying the drugs for one reason - presumably, to sleep with her. Nicky didn't know whether she was just a random pick or if he had purchased the drugs with her in mind, but the thought made her shudder nonetheless.

Her hand, that hadn't moved from her stomach, curled into a fist. She would make sure he would have nothing to do with her baby. She bit back a laugh. She didn't even know if _she_ wanted anything to do with her baby, but she knew that she had some primal instinct to protect it, no matter what. She wondered briefly if Marka had felt the same. If she had felt scared or alone whilst she grew inside of her. It was a thought she shook off.

She faced Luschek. Despite his fuck ups and general couldn't care less attitude, he was someone you could turn to in this place. He wouldn't rat you out and he wouldn't hold it against you. Sure, he had breath like dead things and perpetually high on something, but he wouldn't bribe you for drugs and he wouldn't screw you over...unless he felt he had no other choice. Nicky cocked an eyebrow as she thought of the time he'd turned her in. But in all fairness, he had redeemed himself, mostly, and she needed someone.

Someone who wasn't Morello, who was driving her crazy as well as being bat-shit crazy herself. Someone who wasn't Mendoza, who was being a spy for Red and not doing a great job hiding it.

Nicky looked up to the sky, which looked cloudy and overcast. She closed her eyes. _Only seven months left till I get out_ , she breathed inside her head. _Seven months isn't so bad._

* * *

Red reached over for Nicky's hands despite the CO glaring down at her. "You're quiet today. What's wrong, hmm?"

Nicky glanced up and met Red's eye. "Nothing's up," she snapped. She pressed her lips together and sighed. Red's gaze didn't turn into one of anger, she just looked blank. A canvas onto which Nicky could pour her emotions. She bit her lip and hesitated for a second before rubbing the heel of her hand on her forehead. "When you were having your boys, did you feel like you wanted to protect them? I know you can't, not really, because they're not even a person yet, but - she's safe in there, I know that...what about on the outside?"

Red let a smile color her features. She ignored Nicky's question in order to ask a question of her own. "Her?"

Nicky shook her head. "I don't know. I just had a feeling…" she shrugged, a worried expression clouding her own features.

Red's thumb stroked the back of Nicky's hand. "I know you're scared. And yes, of course I felt protective of my boys when I was expecting them. I still do - of _all_ of you," she insisted. "I had that feeling with Vasily," she smiled. "I was wrong," she said bluntly. "But I think that was mostly wishful thinking. I have my girl now, though, don't I?"

Red stared at Nicky's beaming face. It never too much for Nicky to smile, for her to give that grin or laugh that had the power to light up a room. It was clear compliments and affection as a child were kept to a minimum for Nicky, and Red, when she could, felt the need to make up for that.

"Not really. I'm in prison and you're not." Nicky's bluntness mirrored Red's previously, and it was easy to see why they were drawn to each other as they held hands across the table.

Red rolled her eyes. "Little girl, big mouth." She brushed a stray hair from Nicky's eyes away and gave a little sigh.

"Do…" Nicky stopped herself from talking and cast her eyes down to their entwined hands. "Do you think Marka felt that way about me? Before I was born, I mean? I know she must have lost it somewhere along the way….but do you think she ever had it?" It was bewildering for Nicky now she had these feelings. Would they fade? Was this simply hormonal? She had never, ever felt a maternal urge in her life. She had never seen a baby and wished it was hers. Nor, as a little girl, did she imagine herself holding babies in her future.

Red's brow furrowed sadly. Truthfully, she didn't know, and doubted she ever would. She thought working with Marka would make her hate the woman more. She thought it would answer all of her questions about Nicky's upbringing. She thought she'd stick it out for Nicky, and for the baby, but that she would hate every moment. And that simply hadn't happened. Marka was an enigma; a series of unanswered questions. She hadn't really mentioned Nicky, but she hadn't mentioned much personal business of hers, either.

"I don't know, honey," she said softly, truthfully. She swallowed hard and sighed thoughtfully. "I think, in her own way, yes."

"In her own way?" Nicky's voice was small and fragile. She barked a laugh. A self preservation mechanism. _Treat things as if they don't matter, and people will think, at least to you, they don't._ "Does that mean no?"

"No. But does it matter?" Red grasped at the remote possibility that she could get Nicky to say "no" but that hope was quickly dashed when Nicky's face fell into a glare.

"Actually, yeah, it does." Nicky glowered. She rested her chin on her elbows and sighed. "I doubt you'd ask that question if your mother didn't love you, and had dedicated her life trying to tell you that in creative ways." Whilst she felt Nicky was being a little dramatic, Red felt for her, she really did...maybe that's why she felt the need to lie.

"If your mother didn't love you," Red said finally, the word mother sticking in her throat slightly. "Then why would she display a photo of you, hmm? Tell me _that."_ Red said triumphantly. She gave a weak smile that she hoped was convincing, and thought of the frames she had bought and put away specifically for a photo of Nicky to go along with the portraits of her boys once she got her own place. She sighed wistfully. _If only that day could come sooner_ , she thought.

The frown instantly fell from Nicky's face, being replaced with a look of wonder. Despite everything Nicky had ever said about Marka, it was clear to Red that her word and opinion still had an effect on Nicky. It hurt, yes, but she needed to reassure her more than she needed her ego boosted. He eyes shone in amazement. "Really?" Nicky gripped Red's hands. "Red, you're my mom. For everything. I need to know...you'll look after her, right? When she's here, I mean. When I can't look after her anymore." Her hand slipped from Red's and fell to her stomach, where she gently cradled the small bump. She felt fiercely protective and it hurt that she had to relinquish her at the end of nine months, even if she wasn't totally sure of her feelings towards the thing.

Red's face softened. "Of course I will. There's nothing I wouldn't do for the both of you, you _know_ that."

"Yeah..." Nicky trailed off. "But will you make a home for her? I know I'll be home before she knows it. But _I'll_ know. Will you tuck her in? I never had that." Nicky frowned and pushed her hair back. "It sounds moronic. But kids need things like that, you know?" Her brow furrowed. "They need a mom."

"And she'll have one." Red squeezed Nicky's hand. "One of the best!"

Nicky smiled. "You think so?"

"Of course, honey," she said, with a twinkle in her eye. "After all, you learned from one of the best, right?"

Nicky laughed and it was the first genuine smile Red had seen for the whole visit. "I sure did."

 _ **Hey lovelies!  
**_ _ **I hope you're all doing well and that you enjoyed the chapter. I know it's very heavy Nicky/Luschek but anyone who knows me knows I can't help myself with those two! Please leave a review telling me what you thought and you what'd like to see next time.  
Till next time!**_

 _ **\- Star xo**_


	8. Month Six

_"He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood."_

 _Month six_

Nicky turned over uncomfortably in bed. Her beige uniform stretched at the seams, the material stretched over her ever expanding belly. As she stretched, her breath caught in her throat. With every day that passed, Nicky was finding it harder to breathe. The baby pressed on her lungs and she shifted her position once again.

Six months had come faster than she had expected it to, and she sat on the edge of her bed. Everything was beginning to feel so real. Definite kicks kept her awake at night, and the prenatal vitamin she was made to take every morning was a little reminder that she had more than herself to look out for anymore.

Every time someone asked her about names or what gender the baby was, she felt like an actual adult. But then she remembered she had to make actual plans for this baby when he or she made an appearance into the world in less than three months, and her adult facade withered away until she felt like that scared little girl again, desperately wishing for Red.

With a heavy sigh, Nicky heaved herself up. The phones would be empty at this time of morning, and although she didn't want to make the call, it was best she just got it over and done with. She shuffled over to the phones, feeling the weight of her bump weighing her down, and stopped at the first one. Before she could stop herself, she punched in the number that she had been trying to forget in all the years she had been in here.

Many miles away in a luxury apartment, Red hovered under the door as Marka fumed on the phone. "This is the second time you have called me in all the years you have been in there. And it's to tell me this?" Marka laughed bitterly, throwing her hands up in the air. "You've put me through hell, Nicky, and now you leave me with this?"

There was a silence on the other end as Nicky waited for Marka to finish her rant. "And all of those awkward conversations with the ladies at all of those dinner parties I held, wondering why you didn't have a boyfriend, or a date to the prom? Now you decide you're not…" Marka exhaled forcefully and lowered her voice, "Now you decide you're not a lesbian!"

Red listened in, her heart growing more and more heavy. Over the past few months she had realized that the woman, contrary to what she had believed before, was not a monster. She just simply wasn't fit to be a mother and every opportunity she got to prove herself she failed at, time and time again.

"I don't understand you!" Marka cried, exasperated. Red sighed; Marka had hit the nail on the head with that. The problem was rooted in their communication, or lack thereof, and Marka had set that precedent when Nicky was just a little girl. It was too late to change that now. Marka rubbed her head and sat down at the table. Her eyes softened and she nodded along with what Nicky was saying. "Darling, of course I will take your baby."

The tone and the resigned acceptance of Marka's words shocked Red, and she craned her head to the door to listen carefully. Months of working with Marka had created a working relationship. Whilst her loyalties lied with Nicky, it had been impossible for Red to work with Marka and not at least try to understand where her own personality and quirks had come from. The woman wasn't cold, yet she didn't open up easily; she was definitely not forthcoming with information and it was only last month that Red had 'learned' of Nicky's existence. Yet she wasn't cruel and it had become clear that the distance that she had placed between herself and a young Nicky had been her way of trying to do what was right. Red sighed as she listened - it was a desperately sad situation, yet she had some semblance of hope that the baby would bring a shining light of hope into everyone's lives, despite the dire circumstances.

"I need to sort some things out, okay? I will fix everything. Let me make some phone calls later today and you can call again tomorrow." Marka paused to let Nicky respond. Red doesn't like the scoff that comes out of her mouth after just a moment. "Why does it matter that you only get one call a day? Who else are you going to call?" The older woman sighed. "Maybe...maybe I should visit you." Marka bit her lip. "Okay," she sighed. "Just let me make those calls. Yes, okay. Goodbye, Nicky."

Red quickly stood by dishwasher and quietly stacked the dishes whilst Marka composed herself enough to enter the kitchen with a tight lipped smile. "Galina." Marka said pleasantly. The smile on her face was genuine as far as Red could tell, and it pained Red to think that Nicky had probably never thought the same. Underneath the smile, though, Red could tell that Marka was struggling with what Nicky had just told her. Who wouldn't? "How's lunch coming along?"

"Fine," Red said, closing the dishwasher. She rests her glasses on top of her head and gestures to the food prep on the sideboards. "Caesar salad for today, how's that?"

"Hmm?" Marka replied absently. She tucked a stray hair behind her ear and the Cartier bracelet that hung loosely on her wrist jangled. "Oh, yes. That's fine. Galina, will you bring it through to my office? I'll have to have a working lunch this afternoon...bring some wine too. I don't care which."

Red nodded amicably, not commenting on the conversation. If Marka had wanted to share what had been said, then she would have. "Of course, Mrs Nichols. I'll bring it through now."

"Thank you," Marka muttered. "Oh, and Galina, bring me my planner, please." She forced a smile and looked so much like Nicky that Red had trouble not reaching out to touch her face. She sighed deeply and pushed her reading glasses to the top of her head. "I have a few phone calls to make."

"Okay." Red said quietly. Her mind whirred with possibilities. It took all of her self restraint to not ask who she was planning on calling. "Call me if you need anything else."

Marka flashed a grateful smile. "Thank you," she said, sounding more genuine this time. "Life can be so stressful sometimes." Marka admitted reluctantly. "Do you have children, Galina?"

"I do," Red said, sitting down and brushing her apron off. Marka closed the lid of her laptop and leaned on her desk. "Three boys and a girl."

"Four children," Marka said with surprise. She gave a snort of laughter. "I couldn't even cope with one. How did you manage?"

Red gave a small laugh this time. The woman truly lived in a different world to everyone else, safe in her ivory tower of wealth - until Nicky took her matches and burned it all down. "Not coping wasn't an option." With three growing boys and rent to pay, Red and Dmitri had to find any way to pay the bills and feed their kids. Not coping or wanting a break rarely crossed their minds, let alone happened. And when she met Nicky, not taking the broken girl in her arms and loving her to life wasn't an option either. She wouldn't be just another statistic lost to unjust prison system.

Marka nodded minutely. "I'm just going to make those calls now."

* * *

Nicky picked at her dinner, stretching out her ankles under the table. Gloria had offered her a job in the kitchen, just to keep an eye on her, Nicky suspected, but her ankles were badly swollen even without standing up all day in a hot kitchen. Even so, Mendoza kept a close eye on her when she could. Across the table, Morello watched her with a small smile on her face, drawing figures of eight in her own food with her fork.

"What?" Nicky grumbled. Her back ached as she sat on the small bench and the smell of all the food mingling together made her feel queasy, although her morning sickness had long gone.

"You look so cute." Lorna said with a laugh. "You have the most adorable little bump. Is she kicking today?"

Nicky's hard exterior softened slightly and she slouched. "Yeah," she nodded with a smile. "Wanna feel?"

"Sure, sweetie!" Lorna grinned, scooting closer. She placed a cold hand on Nicky's stomach and squealed in delight when she was greeted with a swift kick. "She's strong! How big is she now?"

Seeing Nicky's cute bump made Lorna's own heart ache. She so badly wanted the whole perfect family life - a good husband, a nice house, and babies - and despite Nicky's less than perfect situation, jealousy still welled within her. Soon, Nicky would have a tiny baby to snuggle. Except she wouldn't, Lorna had to remind herself. The baby would be gone as soon as she met her mama. It made her heart ache even more to think about the heartbreak that was awaiting Nicky when she finally had her child.

"I don't know. I think Red said babies are like a butternut squash this far along." She rolled her eyes but smiled. "She has an app."

Lorna laughed. "And you don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"

"No," said Nicky, "I just have the strongest feeling that she's a girl. We'll see I guess….in three months." She gulped.

"Are you worried about the birth?" Lorna asked, unabashed. She lowered her voice. "My mother said nothing was the same...you know, down there, after a baby."

Nicky raised an eyebrow. "Are you offering to check afterwards?"

Lorna blushed scarlet. "Nicky, that's not polite. Besides, you know, I have Vinny to think about…" she trailed off, leaving the uncomfortable atmosphere hanging.

Nicky nodded with a sigh. There was no use arguing with the girl - she was immovable once she had an idea in her head.

Piper cut through the awkwardness. "So, what are you thinking name wise?"

"I don't know," Nicky said. She shrugged and pushed her food around her plate. "I want it to be better than my own." She barked a laugh. "I only have girl names. I was thinking Willow…or maybe Parker."

"Those are cute," Lorna said, her hand entwining with Nicky's. Piper nodded approvingly.

"Nice names. But what if it's a boy?"

"I have no idea." She shook her head. "Besides, a million things could go wrong before now. I don't want to jinx it."

Sister Ingalls frowned, and reached across the table to pat Nicky's hand. "Nicky, I don't think it's healthy to think like that. You're usually out of most danger by six months. I've been praying for you, and for your child."

Nicky gave a half smile. "Thanks, Sister. Isn't it supposed to be damned, though, seeing as I'm not married?"

"Uh, no. It doesn't necessarily work that way, Nicky. Besides," she said, her face taking on a cheeky smile, "I didn't always play by the rules myself. I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother."

"Not for the first part of her life. I'll be here, fat and with no baby." She cringed at the word; she wasn't even sure what she would do with a baby.

"Well, babies don't remember," Lorna said supportively, echoing Red's words. "Red will take care of her real good."

"They won't give her to Red," Nicky sighed. "She's a felon. She's going to Marka." She nibbled on her thumbnail nervously. "She said she'd take her."

"Oh," Lorna said. She sounded deflated, but tried to look upbeat. "Well, she'll have everything she could ever want."

"Except a mother." Nicky said flatly.

"Aw, sweetie," Lorna said, rubbing Nicky's back comfortingly. "I'm sure baby….baby Nichols?"

Nicky nodded, her face marred with confusion. "Who else's name would they have?"

Boo snickered. "Luschek, perhaps."

"It's not his!" Nicky glared. "Besides, I wouldn't saddle a baby with his name even if it was him."

"Well," Lorna continued, squeezing Nicky's hand, "I'm sure baby Nichols is gonna have a great life with you as her mom, whatever the circumstances of where she's born."

A faint smile crossed Nicky's lips. "Thanks, doll."

 _ **Hello my lovelies! I hope you're having an amazing Saturday and that you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave me a review telling me what you thought and what you'd like to see. She's so close to meeting her baby! Only four more chapters to go...should everything go to plan ;)**_

 _ **On a side note I absolutely adore the name Parker but hate the way it sounds in my accent, which kinda sucks...  
(I'll leave you with that totally irrelevant info about me lmao)**_


	9. Month Seven

_Month seven_

Nicky nervously waited outside of the prison medical room, hopping from foot to foot. She couldn't keep still - she never could when she felt any sort of anticipation. Because of her bleed, and, Nicky suspected, the fact that she was pregnant due to "negligence", they wanted her to have another scan.

In her seventh month of pregnancy, Nicky had begun to feel kicks and punches acutely and frequently. She could make out if it was a leg or an arm and it was awe-inspiring but also terrifying. When the baby was a tiny minute little dot, it was easier to pretend that it wasn't happening. Now it was all so terrifyingly real.

"Nichols."

Her name stirred her from her thoughts and she nodded in the direction of the doctor, the same one she had seen all those months ago. "Coming," she called softly. Her breakfast churned in her stomach, but she swallowed hard and followed him into the bijou office.

"Sit, please." He said. He tapped his pen on his clipboard. "29 weeks pregnant, first time mom?" He asked.

Nicky nodded silently, legs swinging as she sat on the chair. "Yep. I thought this would be a great time to start a family. Stable housing, food on the table."

The doctor laughed, placing his clipboard down. "You got any family, Nichols? It's only a matter of time now." He slipped gloves on as he waited for an answer, switching on the screen to the ultrasound machine.

"I'm not like those other girls." Nicky said, insistent but quiet. "I don't want ten kids. Marka…" Nicky sighed. "My mom, she only had me. She's not poor or destitute. She was a shitty mother, I mean I ended up here, didn't I? But she's got a good life."

"You're lucky." The doctor nodded as he gestured for Nicky to lie down, which she did, pulling up her shirt. He squirted the gel onto her stomach and she shivered. "Sorry," he smiled. "It's a little cold."

"Life's cold." Nicky said with a throaty laugh. "We'll both have to get used to it."

The doctor gave another small laugh and then concentrated on the ultrasound. "Everything looks like it's going well…" he moved the image on the screen and examined the fetus. "Do you want to know the sex?"

Nicky's eyes widened slightly and she considered for a moment before shaking her head. "No. I don't think I do."

"That's fine," the doctor said lightly, writing down in his chart and then smiling reassuringly. "You can wipe the gel off - we're all done here." He snapped off his gloves. "I heard Anderson got fired."

Nicky nodded faintly. "Mhm."

She absently wiped the gel from her midriff as she thought about it. Anderson hadn't argued the accusation, and the fact that he had been caught with drugs on him the day after she'd confessed in Caputo's office didn't help his reputation either. To be truthful, Nicky hadn't cared either way.

She had promised Red no more drugs. And she'd seen the effects of babies born addicted to drugs - Fig had shown it in some PSA when she'd shown up on the day that NA took place. Their tiny piercing screams were heartbreaking, and Nicky was reckless and could be selfish, but she wasn't about to put a baby - _her baby -_ through one of the worst experiences she'd ever been through.

"Well," the doctor said, filing Nicky's notes away safely. "Maybe he shouldn't have made such a monumental fuck up."

Nicky smiled faintly, her hand resting on her stomach as the baby kicked away. "The baby's gonna need a lot of help with his genes. And mine," she added softly. "It's been argued - I know it's shocking - that I'm also a fuck up of the monumental kind."

"There are worse things a mother can be." The doctor said, shrugging.

"I know," Nicky nodded. She hoped she wouldn't ever be any of those things.

* * *

"They've been telling me all of these fucking stories about when they had their kids, and it's like a horror story." Nicky glared at the glass that showed a window into the prison from the visiting room. "They're looking at _me_ like I'm the one with two heads because I didn't know you can rip down there. Isn't that kinda a flaw in mother nature's plan? Those books you gave me kept saying " _don't worry, your body is perfectly designed for this."_ If that were true then surely you wouldn't be the same as when Boo tried to fit into Lorna's pants for a dare and then they ripped at the seams."

Red couldn't stop the smile on her face as Nicky complained, but cringed at her description. "Nicky, you are not the same as a pair of pants. Besides, they can stitch all that up - you'll be fine."

"Am I not? Because that sounds pretty fucking familiar." Nicky said, her mind casting back to Lorna crying because she'd stitched it wonkily and worrying people would think her ass was higher on one side.

She shifted in her seat, her growing bump not fitting comfortably under the table. She was beginning to know how Red felt with back pain as pain twinged at her spine. Heaving a sigh, Nicky raised an eyebrow at Red. "How's everything with you?"

"It's good. I'm saving up enough so that we should be able to afford somewhere when you get out." Red hesitated, and Nicky noticed straight away.

"What? What is it?"

"I've been helping Marka decorate." Red said tentatively.

Nicky nodded in acknowledgement. "Oh yeah? What's she redoing now - the living room or the other living room?"

"The nursery." Red said. Nicky didn't say anything, but nor did she look annoyed, so she continued. "It's yellow. She ordered the crib which came yesterday too. It's all very beautiful." Red said, a hint of envy in her voice. When her boys were tiny, they had whatever they could afford - for her second and third babies, it was always what the older child had just outgrown. Marka had a steady stream of purchases coming through and never even seemed to bat an eyelid.

Nicky let a smile ghost on her lips for a moment. "Sounds like the baby will have everything she ever needs." The statement sounded nice, but Red knew the meaning behind it.

"I'll take care of her." Red said resolutely. "But I think Marka means what she said too - she's going to give her everything she needs until she can have what she _really_ needs. What every baby really needs - their mom."

"Hmm." Nicky said, staring off into the distance. "I really hope you're right."

"There are tiny elephants on the wall. A little yellow blanket in her crib. It's all so beautiful," Red repeated. "Do you want anything in there?"

Nicky stared at Red and considered for a moment before a small smile crept onto her face. "There are elephants on the wall?"

"Yes," Red said, surprised that Nicky had even been listening. "A stuffed toy elephant on a shelf."

Nicky's eyes lit up. "An elephant with a little patchwork square on its back?"

Red sat up in surprise, and nodded. Red had immediately noticed the intricate detail on the elephant, wondering how much the thing cost. It was certainly unusual. "Yes. How did you know?"

"That was my elephant." Nicky says proudly, sounding like a child who is trying to prove themselves to their parents. "I won it at a fair with Paloma. Marka hated it. But I loved that elephant," Nicky sighed wistfully. "It dropped it from a cab on the way to my grandmother's house once, and it ripped across the back. I thought Marka would make me throw it away, because she'd said that's what she wanted to do before."

"And…?" Red asked. Clearly she hadn't made her daughter throw it out, and Red hoped it would be something nice to remember for Nicky.

"She didn't. Obviously she didn't. She picked it and me up despite wearing one of her garden party dresses...put us back in the cab." Nicky smiled sadly at the memory. "When we got to Nana's house she asked the maid if she knew where the sewing kit was. My grandmother was still busy getting ready, so Marka cut a piece of the dining room curtain off and sewed it onto Flora's back. Nana asked where I'd gotten the elephant from, because it looked familiar." Nicky laughed softly. "I think she did it because she hated her mom too…"

The jovial tone of the conversation turned sour and somber, and Nicky sighed as Red took her hand. "It's one of the best memories I have from when I was little. One of the only good ones." She raised her eyebrows. "I didn't know she kept it."

"That must show she cares, even just a little." Red said. Her hands combed through Nicky's hair, and she smiled.

"I don't pretend to know how Marka's fucked up mind works. And she doesn't pretend that she gets me."

Red knew by Nicky's tone that her reminiscing was over, and nodded minutely.

"So...what's new with you?" Red tried to steer the conversation in a more positive light, and Nicky tilted her head.

"Well. What's new with me? I'm still in prison, but I guess that's old...still pregnant, yep. Nothing new with me." A pang of guilt hit her. "Oh. I had a scan this morning," she admitted, a blush sweeping her cheeks. "I forgot."

"A scan?" Red's face lit up. She felt awful that she would never be there with Nicky through her scans, pregnancy, and worse, birth, but it was monumental that she was going through this. It was so much different from having a grandchild from a son - for one, she had been incarcerated throughout her daughter-in-law's pregnancy, and two, men don't feel the same connection to their unborn child as women do. They simply can't.

Nicky nodded. "Uh-huh. They asked me if I wanted to know the sex."

Red gasped excitedly. "And did you? What is it?" Red's voice was rushed and Nicky chuckled, shaking her head.

"I didn't want to know."

Red shook her head. "You needed to know what was for lunch a week in advance but you can wait nine months to see whether your baby is a boy or a girl. Impressive. Frustrating, because babushkas need to know these things."

Nicky beamed a smile. "She's going to love you."

"And I'm going to love her." Red paused and then continued. "What if she's a he, though?"

"He'll still love you." Nicky teased.

"I mean names, smart ass. Willow is a great name for a little girl, but I'm not sure a boy would want to be called that."

"I'm not settled on Willow." Nicky said, and then she leant back on her chair, considering. "I was flicking through a baby names book in the library. Maybe….maybe Daniel, or Jackson. Or Isaac, maybe."

Red raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. "I hope she is a she."

Nicky scoffed, one hand in Red's and another resting on her stomach where she felt the steady stream of kicks. "You're so dramatic. It's better than my name, eh?"

"You're right. But please don't lower your standards to those of Marka's," she laughed. She felt a little guilty, from working alongside the woman day in, day out, but Nicky smiled and it was worth it. "Maybe you'll know what their name is supposed to be when you see them. I can't wait to meet my newest grandchild." Red beamed.

"Me either," Nicky complained. "My back hurts and I can't breathe anymore." She poked her stomach gently. "Get outta there!"

Red smiled. "Don't say that. She's still got some cooking to do in there. We want her - or him," she quickly interjected. "To be strong and healthy. You hear that, little one?"

"I know, I know. I just wish she could come out now."

"Be careful what you wish for, honey." Red said with a raised eyebrow. "You might just get it."

"I don't believe in all of that." Nicky said dismissively. As visitors around them started to get up at the instruction of the CO in charge, Red bent down and placed a kiss on Nicky's forehead.

"I'll see you soon, honey." Red said softly, her breath tickling Nicky's ear.

Nicky smiled and wrapped her arm around Red's neck. "See you soon, Ma."

* * *

 ** _Hello lovelies! I hope you're having a wonderful weekend.  
Tell me what you think in a review, and what you'd like to see.  
Also, what do you think Nicky's baby should be; boy or girl? I haven't completely decided yet.  
Stay safe and happy. _**

**_\- Star xo_**


	10. Month Eight

_Month eight_

Nicky stared at Gloria from across the kitchen. Breakfast had been served already, and Gloria flicked through her letters. Nicky had taken to spending more time in the kitchen instead of out with the others. In the penultimate month of her pregnancy she had been growing more and more uncomfortable by the day.

"You got letters?" Nicky asked, craning her neck to see the chicken scratch that was Gloria's youngest son's handwriting.

"Mhm," Gloria said, mostly ignoring the presence of the younger woman as she scanned the letter. She smiled as she read that he was doing well at school, and that he had found a date to his spring dance, and yanked the next letter from its envelope.

"Who's it from?" Nicky asked curiously. She hopped - though hopping, she found, was becoming increasingly difficult - from the chair she was perched on and sidled next to Gloria. "Anyone I know?"

Gloria rested the letter on her chest, shielding the words from Nicky. "None of your damn business," she said, but there was no malice in her voice. She rested against the kitchen counter, and, finishing the letter, she turned her attention to Nicky. "How you holding up?"

"I have a stomachache." Nicky whined. She pulled her shirt down, annoyed that it barely covered her growing bump, and waited for sympathy.

"Well," Gloria shrugged, setting the letter down on the counter. "I offered you the drink that helped every woman in my family for fourteen - fifteen, if you count Daya, who it _definitely_ worked for - generations, but you didn't want it."

Nicky scoffed. "Why should I trust you're not gonna put something awful in it?"

Gloria raised an eyebrow. "There's definitely going to be something awful in it." She smirked at Nicky. "The horrible things are the things that make it work. Now, you want me to make it or not?"

Nicky groaned, but nodded. When Gloria turned to grab the ingredients, Nicky swiped the letter from the counter. She immediately recognized the handwriting as Red's. When she had scanned through the letter and was satisfied, she waved it in the air. "You two are talking about me again? Don't you get bored talking about me?"

Gloria turned with a frown. "You're stealing my letters as well as my free time now?"

"You just leave the evidence laying around. That why you in prison, Mendoza?" Nicky countered, holding the letter out teasingly and then yanking it out of Gloria's grasp every time she reached for it.

Gloria snatched the letter back as she arched an eyebrow. "You're a junkie, Nichols. Didn't realize you were a thief too."

"Well, that's stupid. I was arrested cause I stole a cab." Nicky says, watching warily as Gloria still prepared the drink despite her sass.

"Here." Gloria said finally, ignoring Nicky's last comment. She passed her a plastic drinking glass filled halfway with brown liquid. Nicky looked at Gloria suspiciously as she swilled the liquid around in the glass. "Drink this."

Nicky wrinkled her nose and put it down on the counter challengingly. "What _is_ this?"

Gloria pushed it closer to Nicky. "Did I tell you to question me, or did I tell you to drink it, huh?"

Nicky took the drink reluctantly, but it went nowhere near her lips. "Well, thanks, Mendoza. But I gotta get to work," she said quickly.

She spun on her heels and turned, dropping the drink into a trash can on the way out, ignoring the pains in her stomach. "Probably caused by all the fucking spicy food," she muttered, but she flashed a smile and a thumbs up to Gloria as she turned the corner.

Gloria shook her head as she turned her attention to prepping for lunch. "Fucking Red. Gotta keep her girls in check…"

But she smiled to herself as she scanned through the letter again. She'd grown close to Red in the later months of her sentence, and it was nice to think that Red thought she could turn to her for help with Nicky.

* * *

Lorna flicked through a baby names book in the library, her scarlet lips mouthing each name as she found one she liked the look of. When she was younger, she imagined that she would already have kids by now. A husband. A beautiful life! But it hadn't panned out that way. Lorna glanced at Nicky furtively. She looked so different now - she wasn't exactly…. _glowing,_ but she looked content as she rested on the table. Looking back at her book, Lorna gasped. "What about _Trixie?"_

Nicky lifted her head from her folded arms and scoffed. "Sure, if this baby was a cocker spaniel. Or a stripper."

Lorna stiffened and slammed the book shut. "Well, you could have just said no," she said with a frown. She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked reproachfully at Nicky.

Nicky softened and held her hands up. "I know and I'm sorry." She looked up through her lashes at Lorna and grinned. "You wanna feel her kicking?"

"Always!" Lorna smiled, quicking forgetting that she was offended and placing a cold hand on Nicky's stomach. She _loved_ feeling the little kicks. It also made her feel a little queasy, but she pushed that down in order to marvel at the tiny hands and feet kicking at her palm. "Are you ready to come out, little one?"

Nicky let a smile ghost over her features. "I'm ready for her to come out."

"You still think she's a girl?"

Nicky nodded. "I think so. I don't know why, just a feeling."

"Sit back." Lorna instructed Nicky. She slipped off her wedding band and pulled a thread from the bottom of Nicky's shirt, looping it through the ring. Then she held it over Nicky's belly. It swung in a circular motion. "You're right!" Lorna exclaimed. "There. You're having a girl."

Nicky laughed. "Lorna, you know that's complete bull, don't you?"

"Maybe," Lorna sung cheerfully. "But my nonna did this test on my mom when she was having me and my sister, and it came out right every time!"

"Well," Nicky said, leaning forward as Lorna slipped on her wedding ring again. "We'll find out in a month or so." She nibbled on her thumbnail.

Lorna looked up at Nicky regretfully. "I wish we'd met in different worlds. In different lives. Wouldn't that be nice?" She placed her left hand on Nicky's stomach and made her fingers tap dance over her tummy, tickling her with the hair that touched her skin. "I'm never gonna know her," Morello whispered. "Not really."

"Me either." Nicky said after a moment. Her own hand had fallen to rest on her stomach. "Not for the first few months of her life, anyway."

"Well, maybe we could say what we wanted her to hear now?" Lorna suggested. She leaned closer to the bump and whispered. "Your mommy is the sweetest person I know. She's gonna take care of you real well." She smiled. "Maybe one day I'll see you again. I really hope that I can," she said earnestly.

Nicky's mouth was dry. "Thanks, kid," she rasped. "And I hope so too."

Lorna beamed up at Nicky and came to a stand. "Come on. Let's go watch some TV. Books are overrated anyways!"

Nicky laughed. "Sure."

"Come on!" Lorna said impatiently. "What are you waiting for?"

Nicky struggled to come to a stand, and eventually sat back in the chair angrily. She blew her hair out of her face. "I'm waiting for gravity to give me a fucking break!"

Lorna's tinkly laugh filled the library, causing them to get a sharp " _shh!"_ from a woman neither of them knew at the next table. Lorna took Nicky's hands and pulled. "Come on!" She whispered through her giggles. "You're not even trying!"

"I _am_ trying!" Nicky hissed, glaring at Lorna. "I am trying. Don't know if you've personally tried it, but it's like trying without succeeding. Ring any bells?"

Lorna laughed despite Nicky's dark tone. "Spend a little more energy on getting up and less on sassing me!"

Nicky glared but a smirk shined through despite her anger. "I'm gonna make you pay for that when I can get up from this damn chair."

* * *

"Red!" Nicky beamed as she sat down at the table in the visiting room. The older woman wrapped Nicky into a bear hug, squeezing her as tight as Nicky's ever expanding bump would allow. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, _milaya."_ Red said with a smile. She sat down at the table across from Nicky. "You're glowing!"

Nicky chuckled. "And you're lying."

"How are you feeling? You look so big now. Is she moving around a lot?"

Nicky nodded, her eyes bright, and ran her hands down her bump. "Always, ma."

"Maybe she'll be a little dancer." Red laughed. "We can put her into ballet."

"I'm not sure I'd fit in with the other moms there, if I'm honest with you," Nicky said with a smirk. It was slowly setting in that she _would_ be a mother, despite the months she'd have to spend without her baby. It was a hard, bitter pill to swallow, but a challenge she was up for.

"Well, that doesn't matter. All of them have fake tits and a faker personality to match." Red said thickly. She waved a dismissive hand. "Everything will be fine. Can you imagine how cute she'll be, though, in a tutu?"

Nicky laughed. Red was thinking way ahead. "She's gotta come out before all of that," Nicky said grimly. "I'm not looking forward to that part."

"Mm." Red commiserated. "No-one does, honey."

"But I'll have to do it all alone." Nicky said quietly. "I'm scared, Red." It was the first time she'd admitted that to anyone. She had never really had anyone in her life, but now she did, it felt even worse to be going at something alone.

"I know, I know." Red sighed deeply and smoothed down Nicky's hair. "I'm working on that. I really am."

"I don't know what you could do." Nicky said miserably.

"No, you're right." Red said, cupping Nicky's cheek. "You don't know what I can do."

* * *

Nicky forced down another bite of her dinner, feeling sick but knowing she'd feel faint later if she didn't. She rubbed her knuckles down her chest, trying to ease the discomfort. She swigged from her cup, downing the rest of the water.

"You okay, Nichols?" Lorna said, her forehead wrinkling. She turned to face Nicky. "You look a little...green."

Nicky nodded quickly, dismissing Lorna's concern. "Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Just heartburn." She winced. "And my back hurts a little."

Lorna swept hair from Nicky's eyes and sucked her teeth. "Are you alright? It's not the baby, is it?"

Nicky forced a laugh. "Isn't it fucking always?" She eased her back by switching positions. "The books all say you can get Braxton Hicks now. They're bullshit but hurt just the same."

"Are you sure?" Lorna's eyebrows knitted together. "You had those last week but you didn't look so….you know, terrible."

"Thank you, Lorna. That was extremely helpful of you. Incredibly insightful," Nicky hissed between gritted teeth.

"Sorry, honey," Lorna said, feeling flustered. She scraped her hair back worriedly. "I can get the CO. It's Bell," she said encouragingly. "You like her."

"Not particularly." Nicky replied. "I don't think it's anything. You got any words of wisdom, Norma?" Nicky shot across the table. Norma stared back at Nicky, and took her hands, but predictably said nothing. Her eyes said it all, though. "Thanks," Nicky sighed. The twinges in her stomach were beginning to get more intense.

Gloria watched from across the kitchen. She could see from Morello's face that something wasn't right, but she wasn't sure what it was.

"Maria, run the dishwasher." She craned her neck to get a better look. "I gotta deal with something."

"That fucking white girl again? Leave her alone, she don't want your help!" Maria called. "

"Don't be a bitch, Ruiz. She's a first time mom and scared. You don't remember what that's like?" Gloria snapped back. "Just run the fucking dishwasher and cut the crap." She hung her apron on the hook as she left the kitchen, speed walking over to the table where Nicky sat.

Lorna spotted her first. "Hey, Mendoza! You've had kids, right?"

"Mhm." Gloria said, her attention on Nicky. "Too damn many. What's up, Nichols?" Her voice was soft and Nicky glanced up.

"Braxton Hicks." Nicky said, but unlike before, her voice was quiet, not confident. "...I think." She bit her lip as she felt another twinge. "At least, that's what the books all say."

"Mm." Gloria said. "Babies haven't read the books, you know."

Nicky snickered. "Neither have I. That's why I'm not sure."

"Come on," Mendoza said, offering Nicky an arm to help her up. "Come into the kitchen. It's quieter. We can talk," she offered.

Nicky hesitated for a moment but began to stand as Lorna encouraged her. "It'll be okay. The kitchen's got that comfy chair in the office!" Lorna reminded her.

Nicky shuffled over to Gloria, feeling exhausted. The weight of the world seemed to be on her shoulders as she made her way to Gloria, the few feet feeling like hundreds of miles.

"Oh, god." Lorna said from behind her. Nicky immediately whipped round, worry written all over her face.

"What?" Nicky asked.

"Well, shit, Nichols." Gloria whistled, seeing the growing wet patch on the back of Nicky's pants. She took her arm and nodded at her, trying not to freak out despite the anticipation she felt for Nicky. "I don't think those were Braxton Hicks."

* * *

 ** _Hello lovelies! I hope you liked this chapter.  
Thanks to Johanna-002 for her help with this chapter...it was much needed lmao!_**

 ** _Please leave me a review telling me what you thought/what you'd like to see...  
I hope you're all having a wonderful day!  
\- Star xo_**


	11. Welcome To The World, Little One

_I'll do whatever it takes,  
I'll make a million mistakes,  
_ _I'll make the world safe and sound for you._

"I'm scared." Nicky admitted, a small bead of sweat forming on her brow. Nicky wasn't afraid of many things. She never feared death, not even when it stared her in the face on three separate occasions. She didn't get scared when she was sentenced to prison - she just got incandescent with rage, spat with anger. If she was truthful with herself, before prison, she didn't really have anything to lose. Now, as she panted between contractions, she felt terror rising in her chest. She had _everything_ to lose.

"It's okay, sweetie." Lorna rubbed circles in the small of Nicky's back as she leaned over the wall of her cube. She leaned down to whisper in Nicky's ear, pushing her hair back gently. "It all starts today. Aren't you even a little excited?"

Nicky gritted her teeth through another wave of pain, swaying her hips like it said in all the books. She attempted to breathe through it. "I haven't felt excitement in a long time," Nicky said, blowing hair out of her eyes. "Remind me, does it feel like you're being ripped in two?"

Gloria laughed from the edge of the cube. "If that's the case then I felt real fucking excited in labor with both my boys."

Nicky's head snapped up and she managed to crack a smile. "I need a favor," she said to Lorna. She winced through the pain. "You'll help me out, won't ya, doll?"

"Depends," Lorna said suspiciously. She let Nicky squeeze her hand through the contraction, wiggling her fingers in the air afterwards.

"I need to make a phone call." Nicky dropped the blanket someone had draped around her shoulders. It was only making her feel claustrophobic anyway, as the blanket had long lost the comforting smell of Red. "Help me over there, will you?"

Lorna bit her lip. "Are you sure that's what you want to do?" Her eyes met Gloria's across the room, who nodded minutely.

"Don't look at her, look at me! I'm not a fucking child. If you don't take me, I'll go by myself." Nicky snapped.

The walk to the phone seemed like an eternity, but once they were there, Nicky wished the walk had been twice as long. She leant against the wall, one hand over the receiver, but not moving to punch in the number.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" Lorna asked patiently, rubbing Nicky's back. A rush of excitement flew through her, along with pangs of jealousy. It wasn't ideal, of course, but the brunette envied Nicky's bump nonetheless. She spent a lot of time thinking up nursery designs and whilst Nicky humored her, it broke her with each suggestion that she would never get to implement for her own child.

Tears stung the back of Nicky's eyes, determined to fall though she tried to stay stoic even in the face of what seemed like unbearable pain. "I want to call Red."

"Well, go on then." Lorna said, reaching out and hovering her hand over the numbers. "What's the number?"

"I can't," Nicky said, her chin quivering like a child's would. "Marka's the one coming to get the baby. I have to call her instead." With one hand on her stomach, Nicky added silently " _I have to put my baby first now."_

The blonde took a deep breath, steeling herself for the conversation she was about to have, and punched in the number. She hadn't heard Marka's voice in months now, not since she'd asked her to look after the baby. That was bad enough, too painful to even rake over again, and though she wanted to feel that burning rage she'd felt throughout her whole life, she only felt trepidation.

"Nicole," Marka's voice sang through the phone. "I didn't expect to hear from you so soon."

Nicky held back a laugh. _So soon._ It had been months. Instead, she threw her head back and breathed through another contraction. "Yeah, well," she panted, "I only called to tell you I'm in labor. I don't know how long it's going to be."

"Oh! Are you sure?" Marka asked. "I'll have to cancel a few meetings…"

"Thanks." Nicky said flatly. Embers of doubt had been burning in her mind since she decided to let Marka look after the baby, and they were sparking into a bonfire as Nicky realized that work was _still_ the most important thing to the woman she had never known as a proper mother. She could only hope that Red would be there to provide actual _love_ for the baby. She desperately wanted to ask about Red, but resisted.

Silence on the other end was all that kept Nicky company. With an angry and resigned sigh, Nicky slammed the phone down.

On the other end of the line, Marka picked up the phone again after setting it down. "All cancelled!" Marka said breathlessly. "I'm so excited to meet him or her….sweetheart?"

She took the phone from her ear and frowned when she realized it had disconnected. Murmuring something insulting about the state of government institutions and their unreliable phone lines, she got to work preparing herself to meet her grandchild. She had never liked babies, and was a terrible mother...but this time, she _hoped_ , would be different.

In the moments following the phone call, Marka was a one woman hurricane as she hurried around the apartment, picking up pieces of paper and squirreling them away in her purse, unhooking her coat from the stand, and typing away on her phone the whole time.

Red paused in the kitchen, turning the pot of ragu down to a simmer, and listened to the flurry of activity happening in the other room. She wiped her hands on the front of her apron and stepped quietly to the door, sticking her head out curiously.

"Are you okay, Ms Nichols?" Red said, particularly formal, because now Marka was methodically flicking through a rolodex she appeared more like the business woman Red had known her to be before, and less like the scatterbrained boss she had grown to know, who forgot her glasse when they were on top of her head.

Marka gave a start at Red's sudden entrance, and nodded quickly without looking up from her files. "Yes! Everything is fine, Galina. Come on in." She straightened after finding the information she was looking for, and wrapped a scarlet pashmina around her cream sweater.

Red stepped into her office and leant on the desk, raising an eyebrow in intrigue. Marka's eyes shone with excitement, and, Red noted, looking at her trembling hands, slight nervousness. "You remember my daughter, don't you?" Marka looked at Red with a sheepish smile. "Of course you do. You helped decorate the nursery. Anyway," she continued, excitedly gathering papers. "She's in labor right now. She's at the hospital."

Red was glad she was leaning on the table, for her legs almost gave way completely. The room span around her and she didn't have the breath in her lungs to utter a response.

Marka suddenly seemed to have an invisible force weighing her down, too, perhaps at Red's lackluster reaction, because she sat at her desk with a worried glance off into the distance. "The circumstances aren't ideal. I'm going to be honest with you, Galina...you're the only person I've told. Ever since Paolo left I don't have many people I can be myself with."

"Mhm," Red said, but she was mentally counting the days in her head and wondering if something bad had happened that triggered Nicky to labor a few weeks early. Would the baby be okay? Would _Nicky?_ What about her heart? A thousand thoughts ran through Red's head. Marka didn't notice Red's mental absence and continued. "Nicole was just so different," she said, a deep frown forming on her forehead. "We didn't understand each other. And then she went off the rails and I handled everything so wrong. But pride is a funny thing, it stops you from doing what's right."

Red snapped to attention, nodding. Her own past was creeping up on her and she knew what pride could do to a person, to a family. "I know that much," Red said, her voice hoarse. "This is your second chance, Ms Nichols."

"Call me Marka," she said.

"This is your second chance. Don't blow it," Red said. She swallowed hard. "Don't let... _Nicole_ down." The word Nicole was so unnatural, so detached from her daughter. From _her_ Nicky. She felt immensely jealous that Marka knew of Nicky's labor before she did, though she knew it was irrational. She wanted to be at Nicky's bedside, and yet had to fake nonchalance. It was killing her, but the best thing for Nicky was this whole plan working out. It _had_ to work out. There was no plan B.

Marka stood, all of her belongings finally together, and nodded seriously at Red. "I know."

"And Marka?" Red said, just as she was pulling at the door to leave.

"Yes?"

"Good luck, grandma," she choked out. The words hurt to say but she had no choice. She just had to hope that through all of this, she too could look after the baby she considered her grandchild, and do Nicky proud.

Meanwhile, in a hospital far away, Nicky's face had turned purple with effort and the doctors in the room were telling her to push.

"One last push, Nicole!" The doctor who had been there from the beginning encouraged. "One more push and your baby will be born."

Nicky didn't mind that she was being called Nicole. It was easy to detach herself from the situation this way, to push away all of the distractions. Her body was doing most of the work, telling her what she needed to do, and she was grateful for it for once.

"The time is seven-forty seven," the doctor called. "A baby girl!"

Nicky didn't know what to feel. Utter relief. Disbelief that it had happened, finally. A sense of animalistic protectiveness as she sat up on her elbows to watch her baby - her _daughter -_ being weighed. Her cries pierced through the room.

"What are you doing?" Nicky asked anxiously, her eyebrows knitting together. "Is she...is she okay?"

"Just checking her over. She's fine, don't worry." One of the nurses smiled at Nicky and finally handed her the crying infant.

Nicky stared down at the baby in her arms. Bright blue eyes pierced through her, blinking slowly. Nicky brushed her fingers over the baby's forehead, feeling utterly overwhelmed by the tiny life she had brought into the world, albeit accidentally.

"Hi there, little one," she said, her voice so soft she even surprised herself. "I'm your mommy." The word, of course, felt foreign to her lips, especially referring to herself. A wistful smile fell over her features. Would it ever feel natural? She didn't know, but the baby wasn't crying, and Nicky felt thankful that she had a moment to catch her breath.

Bell sat in the corner of the room, unobtrusively doing a crossword puzzle. Thankfully, she'd been in the cafeteria when Nicky's labor had started, for Nicky wasn't sure how much she would have liked someone like Mendez with her at her most vulnerable. Nicky could see her sneaking peeks every few moments, and she couldn't blame her; Nicky had never seen anyone as beautiful before, despite her red face and her tiny rosebud lips puckering in protest as Nicky stopped brushing her forehead.

Pulling up the little pink, white and blue hat with a bow on the front, Nicky chuckled. When they first brought it out for the baby, Nicky had scoffed, unimpressed. _What patriarchal bullshit,_ she had thought as they tucked her ears in it. But then she glanced down at the baby in her arms, and her heart melted.

Nicky looked down at the baby and closed her eyes. She brushed her own cheek over her baby daughter's cheek and marvelled at how it just felt right. "I love you," Nicky whispered after a moment, her own brown eyes opening suddenly. She stared into the baby's eyes. "I didn't know if I would. I know that's a shitty thing to say, but you're not gonna remember. I didn't know if I'd love you...I didn't know if I wanted you." Nicky rocked the baby gently as she began to stir. "Maybe it was just me that was hard to love. Because...I don't know any way I could look down and you and not love you."

Nicky let her head rest on her pillow behind her. Her whole body felt heavy yet she felt so serene at the same time. "I'm gonna protect you from anything bad." Nicky promised. "You're gonna be happy, I'll make that happen...I can be very persuasive. Just as soon as I can, we're gonna make a great team." Nicky smiled.

The baby's shrill cries cut through the room. "Maybe not just now, though," she laughed softly. "It's okay. Everything must be so scary now you're out." Nicky's humming and rocking fell on deaf ears. "Shh, shh...I know, I know," she whispered. "Don't cry, sweetheart." Tears welled in her own eyes, a mixture of hormones and feelings of the past bubbling to the surface, not to mention fears for the future. "Okay, well," Nicky said, wiping her eyes and tracing the baby's features. "You know what they say," she continued, the tears slipping down her cheeks. She wasn't sure if they were tears of happiness and joy, or just sheer terror, but she let them fall. The baby's cries echoed through the room. "If you can't beat them, huh, join them.."

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **Hiya lovelies! I hope you're all having a wonderful week so far.  
**_ _ **So...baby Nichols is here.**_

 _ **I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'd already written the majority of the chapter when I thought of Nicky's heart. I have no idea if they would have let her give birth naturally, but I wasn't rewriting this, so in this universe, they will. Haha.**_

 _ **Please leave me a review telling me what you thought and what you'd like to see.**_

 _ **Hope you're all doing well!  
\- Star xo**_


	12. Twenty Four Hours

_24 hours._

That's all she was going to get with her precious newborn. According to the US correctional system, that's all she needed to recover from her birth. That might be so, but as Nicky stared at the new life she'd brought into the world, she thought it would take a lifetime to get over the separation that came at the end.

Time with her baby had passed in the blink of an eye.

Now, at the twentieth hour, Nicky fought sleep. Her eyelids felt like they were being pulled down by weights. Every time they dared to shut, they immediately flickered back open again, fixated on the baby softly breathing in the little plastic bassinet next to her bed. Nicky reached her hand out to touch the baby's little starfish hands stretching in her sleep.

 _5110 hours._

That's how many hours she was going to be away from her baby on the inside. She'd counted it in the hours of sleeplessness she'd suffered in the later months of her pregnancy. Nicky choked back tears. Why hadn't she appreciated every kick to her ribs? Why hadn't she counted the hiccups? Why hadn't she taken Red's advice and spoken to her little girl, instead of feeling stupid and only whispering in the dead of night?

Nicky brushed tears away. The room was dark but the light of the moon shone in through the small window on one wall. It reminded Nicky of when she was a child; the moon felt like her only friend and ally when she was little and couldn't sleep. Marka was always unavailable and even her nanny eventually tired of reading bedtime story after bedtime story. She often spent hours staring out of her window, feeling warm and cosy in bed but utterly alone.

The baby cried at the sudden touch. "I'm sorry," Nicky said. Tears stung at the back of her eyes and she blinked them back. She trailed her fingers over the baby's forehead. She hadn't learned that little comforting touch from Marka, of course. Red had done it countless times when detoxing got too painful to bear. Nicky hoped her baby would never feel such pain. With Marka as her guardian, Nicky didn't feel much hope. She swallowed hard as the baby continued to scream. She screwed her eyes shut, feeling hopeless that she couldn't even comfort her own baby.

Light footsteps crossed the room. "It's okay, sweetie," a nurse whispered. Nicky watched as the nurse placed a gentle hand on the screaming infant. But it wasn't the baby she was comforting. Her eye met Nicky's. "First time mom, huh?"

"You can tell?" Nicky asked. She sighed, crestfallen, and tickled her daughter's tiny toes. "I've never even held a baby before," Nicky admitted.

"Not because you're doing a bad job," the nurse reassured her tactfully. "You just touch her like she's made of glass. She won't break. I promise!"

"She's so tiny."

"I know," the nurse chuckled. "But you'll get used to it. They don't stay tiny for long."

Nicky rested her hand on the bassinet, regret weighing heavily on her mind. But never for the life she'd brought into the world. Never for her baby girl. "So I've heard," she whispered.

"It's time." Bell said quietly. "The van's outside and waiting, Nichols."

The nurse from earlier that night stepped into the room. A smile was plastered on her face, but her eyes were filled with tears. A baby should go home with its mother. "Is Baby Nichols ready to go in the nursery?"

"Yes," Bell answered. The nurse looked back to Bell, and then to Nicky. Wordlessly, she took the baby from Nicky's arms.

"We'll take care of her," she said. "She's safe here. And from what I've heard, Grandma is on the way."

Nicky fought back tears. The nurse's statement did nothing to calm her fears. "She should be with me! I'm all she knows. She's heard my voice and my heartbeat for nine months. And now she's going to be hearing machines beeping and other babies crying and she's going to wonder where _I_ am." Her voice grew hysterical.

"Please don't worry," the nurse said, fretting. "Look, she's fine."

"Please don't take her yet," she pleaded, her arms already feeling the enormous weight of the emptiness. Her eyes went to Bell, who stood unobtrusively in the corner with her arms folded. Her head was bent to the floor, and Nicky wondered if she ever regretted her career choice. "Can't I have just a little more time?" Nicky asked desperately. "Just an hour? Even _half an hour."_

Bell looked up, her lips pressed into a thin line. She shook her head minutely. When she spoke, her voice was raspy. "Sorry, Nichols. I wish I could." Nicky swallowed and nodded wordlessly. Her eyes went to the baby in the nurse's arms, and she reached out to touch her face. "Take a minute to say goodbye," Bell said. She reached out to touch Nicky's arm gently.

Nicky was grateful, but shook her head. She breathed in shakily, biting her lip. Her hand stroked the wispy hair on her daughter's head. "How can I say goodbye when I haven't even said hello properly yet?"

Pennsatucky glanced at Nicky through the rearview mirror. "I'll drive real smooth," she said, nodding at Nicky. "This ain't my first rodeo, right, Bell?" She nudged the CO in the seat next to her and received a glare in response. "Hey, I just meant with those hispanic girls always getting pregnant...first lesbian we've had though!"

Nicky's knuckles turned white as she held onto the door handle. If she didn't feel so numb, she would have laughed. Without her baby, though, there didn't seem a point to anything, let alone laughing at stupid comments from methheads.

"So," Dogget continued, keeping to her word and turning the corner remarkably smoothly. "What did you have?"

"A girl," Nicky replied. Her voice trembled and she shut her mouth, fearing that if she even thought about her little girl any longer she would crumble into a hyperventilating mess.

Pennsatucky nodded. "Well, if you need a name, I always liked Bonnie. That's what I named mine."

"Yours?" Nicky asked wearily. Her head felt fuzzy but she was pretty sure she'd never heard Pennsatucky mention a child before.

"Yeah," she sighed as they finally pulled up outside Litchfield. "My unborn baby." She glanced at Nicky in the rearview again. "One of 'em, at least."

Nicky looked out of the window. Her home, at least for the foreseeable, stood in front of her. It was dirty and dingy, it was full of methheads, and it felt like she was walking into the gates of hell, but she just wanted to crawl into her bed and stay there for the next seven months. As glad as she was that Red would be there for her baby, she desperately wanted her for herself.

Pennsatucky awaited a reply, and Nicky was feeling too weak to be anything more than bemused by her, so she nodded wearily. "Bonnie's a nice name."

"Nicky!" Lorna jumped up from her bunk, and ran to meet the blonde as she shuffled across the dorm. "Look at you, you can fit through doors sideways again!" She laughed easily. "So, what did you have? Was I right?"

Nicky said nothing; she felt utterly overwhelmed. She fell into Lorna's arms. "Oh, honey," Lorna murmured, feeling the wet warmth of tears on her cheek. She helped her to her bunk, and curled up with her. "Tell me all about it."

"She's perfect, Lorna," Nicky said through her tears. "She's so tiny. Her nose is like a little button. And she has blue eyes! They're just like Red's, which is weird, I know," she rambled. Tears stained her face. "I feel like there's a part of me missing. I know it sounds stupid, and I thought I'd never say mushy shit like that...but she's more important than anything. And by the time she's mine again, she's not gonna know who I am."

"Of course she will! Don't be silly," Lorna admonished her gently, brushing her hair out of her watery eyes. "You're her mommy, Nicky. She will _always_ need you. These seven months...she's not even going to remember them. You've got a lifetime with her."

"Galina!" Marka yelled softly. "I don't care what you're doing, I have something much more important for you to do in here."

Red closed the cookery book she had been leafing through. The time had passed painfully slowly, and with every second that ticked by, her anxiety for Nicky had grown stronger and stronger. "What is it, Mrs Nichols?" She hovered at the doorway, too afraid to ask if everything had gone okay.

"Come out here, Galina!" Marka laughed. It was one of the only genuine laughs Red had ever heard coming from the woman, and it gave her enough confidence that everything had gone well. With a small spring in her step, Red walked to meet Marka in the hallway. "Galina, I have someone for you to meet."

"Oh!" Red gasped. Marka carried a carseat on her left arm, carrying extremely precious cargo. Bright blue eyes stared back at her, and she fought the urge to whisk the baby out of the seat and into her arms.

By the pink sleepsuit, Red deduced she had a granddaughter. She bit back a laugh. How twisted, that she had to pretend she didn't see this baby as her own flesh and blood, or as good as? "Isn't she _gorgeous?"_ Marka gushed.

Red's eyes filled. "She's a beauty," Red admitted. _And she looks just like Nicky,_ she added silently. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the baby. Instead, Red clasped her hands together. "Oh, can I have a hold of her?"

"Of course," Marka said. "The nurses said I'd need to give her a feed by the time I got her home, so you can do that if you want." She looked at Red sheepishly. "To be honest with you, I've forgotten how to do it all."

 _Forgotten?_ Red thought. She doubted if she'd ever learned. Regardless, Red was thrilled. She couldn't wait to feed her. Some of her most precious memories of her boys were the midnight feedings, just the two of them against the world. To know that she would experience that with Nicky's baby transcended any small shred of hope that she'd dared to have upon learning of her only daughter's troublesome pregnancy.

"I know, you think I never did any of that," Marka said, as if reading Red's mind. "I had a nanny when Nicky was younger, but I used to come home from work and feed her to sleep. It was time for just us." She sighed deeply. "That stopped when I met Paolo."

Red didn't need to say what she thought. It was perfectly clear, and she didn't want to ruin one of the happiest moments in her life with sad tales from Nicky's childhood. Marka set the carseat down next to Red, and she instantly bent down to take the baby out. She fussed for a moment, but settled into Red's warm and strong arms. "Ooh, hello, little one."

Marka looked at Red worriedly. "She's so small."

"Good things come in small packages," Red smiled. She stroked the baby's wispy hair, falling more and more in love with every breath the baby took. "Now, what is this little one called?"

"Parker Willow," Marka said. She smiled, but this time, it was more uncertain. "It's...different."

"So is she," Red said. "Is Marka a common name? And in all my years here, I've never met another Galina. When people speak of her, they're not going to say, _Parker Willow? Which one?"_ Red held the baby to her chest, feeling like she had a piece of Nicky in her arms. "They're going to say, _Parker Willow, I know her._ And by God, trust me - everyone is going to want to know this little girl."

 ** _A/N:_**

 ** _Hello lovelies! How are you all?  
Long time no see on this fic, I know.  
But I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you thought in a review and what you'd like to see.  
Also, where is the season six trailer? I'm getting antsy!  
Hope you're all safe and well. _**

**_\- Star xo_**


	13. Forget Me Not

Red opened the door to Marka's apartment to the less than soothing tones of a screaming baby. Her brow furrowing, she dropped her bag by the door and followed the shrill sound, her worry mounting. Despite the weeks passing, there still didn't seem to be any routine present in the house. Marka stood over the crib, a phone tucked between her shoulder and ear, gently rocking the baby as she tried - unsuccessfully, it seemed by her pained expression - to make a business deal.

Red crept into the room. Whilst she didn't want to overstep the mark, she couldn't stand to see Parker crying so forcefully. The urge to quiet the noise and comfort the infant came from deep inside, a primal need; so powerful that she couldn't ignore it any longer, not even to appease Marka.

"Ms Nichols," Red said quietly, coming further into the room. "Go take your call. Let me deal with this little one."

Marka didn't resist. In fact, she looked grateful for the help, and quickly backed out of the room, a harried expression marring the features that reminded Red so much of Nicky. As she closed the door, she mouthed a _thank you_ to Red.

Red scooped up the newborn. Her skin was mottled with the effort of crying, and she quieted almost immediately upon being picked up. A relieved smile settled on Red's face. "Hi, Parker," Red whispered. The baby whimpered pitifully, and Red's heart clenched for her, and for Nicky, who was undoubtedly even more upset than the baby she was holding. She desperately wished she could comfort her own daughter, and her mind was filled with awful thoughts of Nicky compromising her sobriety to forget what had happened.

But she focused on the little girl she _could_ comfort, and it brought her peace knowing that she could tell Nicky all about her precious daughter when she finally saw her next. "I know, you miss your mama. She'll be back soon," Red assured her, more for herself than Parker. She stroked the baby's forehead, leaning in close to breathe in the smell that is unique to babies. "I'm your babushka. Not by blood, but that doesn't matter, does it?"

She sat down in the rocking chair on the other side of the room and held the baby close to her. In the other room, she heard Marka's voice, her laugh echoing through the apartment. Both women were in their own element now - one as a businesswoman, and one as a mother and grandmother.

"Your mommy misses you, I know she does...but you and me, we'll get through this together, hmm?" Red chuckled at the frown on the baby's face. "You don't look like you have much faith. That's okay, honey. I'll prove it to you. And people are gonna tell you all sorts of bullshit over the years," she mused. "I know you're not gonna take any of it. You just do you...that is always good enough for us."

By us, she of course meant herself and Nicky. Red knew that Nicky never felt good enough growing up. And she was more than enough. She wouldn't have her granddaughter feeling the same way. Not whilst she was around.

Red was still tending to Parker when Marka eased the door open. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized there was no more crying, just a contented baby and Red. "Everything went well with the deal," Marka announced, smiling.

"Good," Red said, largely uninterested in business. "Everything went well here too. Do you want to hold her?"

It would be a wrench to let go of the little love, but Red knew she needed to foster a good relationship between the two. Nicky was relying on her and Marka to provide a good life for Parker until she could do it herself.

"I would, but I actually need to get going." Marka checked her watch worriedly. "My meeting is soon, and the nanny has called in sick." Marka bit her lip.

"You have a nanny for her?" Red asked. She tried to contain the disbelief but it seeped into her tone regardless. Marka looked at Red plainly.

"Of course I do," Marka said. "Hear me out. I _know_ I made mistakes with Nicky, I _am_ trying harder this time. But I need to make a living," she said worriedly. "And I'm so old now, Galina."

"Old?" Red laughed. "If you're old, then I'm ancient."

"I feel it, when she won't stop crying," Marka admits. "I just need the nanny for when I'm at work. I can't look after her and take calls, and if I take time off then there just won't be enough money."

Red glanced around at all the things Marka had but didn't need. She doubted that there would ever be _not enough money_ , but clearly Marka needed some time for herself. "I see," she said after a moment.

"I do love her," Marka said. Red wasn't sure who she was trying to convince. "I tell her that, too," she continued softly, coming over to stroke her granddaughter's cheek. "I know Nicky never knew it. But I loved her too. I never thought I'd have any grandchildren. Parker's a blessing, but she's a handful, too."

An alert sounded on Marka's phone, abruptly ending the bittersweet moment. The color drained from Marka's face. "Damn it." She shook her head. "You can never trust staff!"

Red looked up at Marka, one eyebrow raised. "Is that so?"

Marka dropped her phone into her purse and threw Red a half smile. "I don't mean _you,_ Galina. You're more help than all of them put together. It's just...the nanny was supposed to take Parker to see Nicky today. With everything happening and the nanny cancelling, I'd forgotten...oh, she's going to be so disappointed."

Marka sat on the chair by the window, her head in her hands. Parker stayed sleeping peacefully, but Red's heartbeat sped up.

"I can't take her. I have a meeting, it's very important," Marka said, and once again Red didn't know who she was trying to convince. "I can't even call her."

Red shifted so that Parker laid in the crook of her arm. She hesitated. "How about...how about I take her?"

"Oh, Galina. I couldn't ask you to do that."

"You didn't." Red stared into Marka's eyes. "I'm offering. This little girl needs to see her mama," she said, and her voice dropped to a whisper as her mind flitted to Nicky. "And I'm sure her mama is desperate to see her."

"She is," Marka admitted. "But you're not on her visitor's list."

"I am," Red said instantly, and then she backtracked. "I am very persuasive. I'm sure they won't be able to resist this little face, either."

"No," Marka smiled. "I'm sure they won't be able to." She stood, and squeezed Red's arm. "If you're sure. Nicky will be so grateful. Will you tell her that I'm sorry? That I can't make it myself, I mean." Her voice trailed off.

Red nodded. "I'll tell her," she said softly.

* * *

Nicky sat down in the visiting room, her leg bouncing nervously. It felt so unnatural to be apart from her baby, and she couldn't wait until she saw her, even if that meant suffering through a visit with Marka. She'd walk through hot coals for her baby. It made her feel even guiltier that she'd spent so much time resenting the life growing inside of her. Anxiously, she hoped that Parker hadn't spent months knowing she was unwanted inside of her.

As she sat, she heard a baby crying. Something deep inside of her told her that it was her baby, and she craned her neck. A flash of red hair was the first thing she saw, and her heart skipped a beat. She flew from her seat despite knowing the rules, and tackled Red into a bear hug.

"Nichols, sit the fuck down," Luschek called from his desk. He didn't stand though, and Nicky obeyed, desperate to see her baby, who remained tucked in her carseat.

"Red," Nicky whispered, clasping her hand tightly and resting her cheek on it. She gestured to Parker in her seat, and looked utterly confused. "How…?"

"I found a way," Red said. "Marka sends her love."

"Does she?" Nicky said, her eyes fixed on the baby. It wasn't important to her anymore. She reached into the carseat and cradled Parker in a tender grip. "Oh, look at her," Nicky breathed. The baby began to stir, and tiny cried echoed through the room. Nicky felt stares on the back of her neck, and she looked at Red worriedly. "She doesn't remember me."

"Hold her close to your chest," Red said, gently pushing Nicky's arms up. "Let her hear your heartbeat. That's the only thing she needs. It was her lullaby for nine months. And besides," Red smiled. "Who could forget you, hmm?"

Nicky did so, and to her amazement, the cries _did_ quiet down. "Do you remember that, Parker?" Nicky asked softly. "You're already bigger."

"Yes," Red smiled. "She eats well. Makes a lot of noise, too, like her mommy." Nicky beamed at Red, and she was relieved that her spirits didn't seem too low.

The time passed in the blink of an eye, and Red felt her anxiety rising as the last few minutes ticked by. When one of the guards called time on visiting hours, Red reluctantly scooped Parker up. She placed a kiss on Nicky's temple, her lips lingering for longer than usual. She missed her girl more than words could possibly say.

Red settled on a goodbye that would be reassuring, not depressing. She wasn't sure if she could hold the tears back if she said a heartfelt farewell.

"I'll look after her," Red promised. Her free hand raked through Nicky's hair, and Nicky leant into the familiar feeling.

"I know," she rasped.

"You'll look after yourself," Red said firmly, tilting Nicky's chin up. "She needs you, you know. When you get out of here, she'll be waiting for you."

Nicky nodded, her eyes glued to the floor. She couldn't bear to watch Parker being taken from her, not again. It almost killed her last time. "Just go, please," Nicky begged. Tears splashed down her cheeks and she wiped them away fiercely. She didn't want her baby seeing her like this. When Red didn't move, Nicky pushed her arm firmly. "Take her, Red!"

With one final kiss, Red turned to leave. She watched Nicky the whole time she left, even through the glass as she craned her neck to see her. She was sobbing, the hysterical cries audible even from the waiting room.

Red closed her eyes as she sat in her car in the parking lot. She glanced at Parker in the rearview. "We need to get your mommy home, don't we? You must miss her so much, Parker." Her voice broke on the last word, and she leant against the wheel as she finally let her own tears flow.

* * *

Luschek lumbered over towards Nicky, his hands shoved into his pockets. He didn't look at her, his gaze instead focused on the TV, as he asked if she was okay. "Everything good after this morning?"

"Careful, Luschek, you almost made it look like you care." Nicky cocked an eyebrow at him, leaning back on her chair. Her tone was icy cold, and he was half concerned, but the smirk on her face said otherwise.

Luschek feigned hurt, leaning against the table she was sitting at. "Of _course_ I care. Who else is going to provide quality drama in this place? Sure, the methheads are entertaining, but there's no substance."

"You're a sick fuck, Luschek," Nicky said, rolling her eyes. She looked up at him through mascara laden lashes, her eyes suddenly soft. "Did you see her?"

Luschek straightened, nodding. "Yeah," he said, exhaling. He'd been the CO on duty for visiting when Red had brought the baby in, and as much as he hated kids - because really, what do they bring to the world? - he'd sneaked a peek at the little one. He cleared his throat. "She looked like you."

Nicky laughed. She gestured to her prison uniform. "Well, I sure as hell hope she doesn't end up like me."

Luschek again averted his gaze from Nicky's piercing eyes, and scuffed the floor with the toe of his shoe. "You know, Nichols, there are worse things she could end up being like."

She wasn't sure if it was still the hormones swirling through her system, or if becoming a mother really had softened her, but she felt tears pricking at her eyes. Still, she pushed her hair back and flashed him that infuriating self assured grin. "There you go again with the caring," she said, raising her eyebrows. "These women already think you have a crush on me."

"What?" Luschek snorted a laugh. He lowered his voice. "Half of these women are morons or have their brains fried by drugs - they think I'm the father."

Nicky nodded. She chewed a hangnail on her thumb. "I know," she said. "But maybe _I'm_ the sick fuck, because honestly, I almost wish you were." Her mind floated to the real father of her baby, and she felt sick. He was disgusting, and had taken advantage at her most vulnerable state.

"What the fuck, Nichols?" The look on Luschek's face was a mix of horror and disbelief.

"Yep," Nicky continued. "You'd have given me more drugs for it, I'm sure of it. He was stingy as fuck." She leant back on her chair, closing her eyes. As much as she tried to push the thought of heroin from her mind for her baby's sake, it still stayed there like a flashing beacon. She inhaled as if reliving that night. "Still enjoyed every moment of the high, though."

Luschek glanced down at Nicky. "He was a piece of shit."

"Yeah," Nicky agreed, resigned to the fact. "He really was."

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **Hiya! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
Please let me know what you thought in a review.  
For the confused reviewer, hopefully this chapter cleared up your question - no, Luschek is not the father.  
I just have a soft spot for him, so he shows up now and again.  
Hope you're well!  
\- Star xo**_


	14. Beginning of the End

Nicky coiled the phone wire around her finger, smiling. "So she's happy?" Nicky asked - needlessly, because she knew Red would lay her life down for Parker if she needed to.

"She's happy," Red confirmed. "I took her to see the ducks yesterday. Oh, _malyshka,_ you should have seen her. She laughed for the first time!"

Nicky didn't expect the emotional punch to the gut, but it left her feeling breathless. She didn't say anything for a moment, and closed her eyes. She rested her hand against the cold of the wall. It _destroyed_ her that she hadn't been there for that milestone. That she could only imagine what her own daughter's laugh sounded like. She swallowed.

"Oh, wow, ma…" Nicky stammered out. Her fingers curled around the receiver, her knuckles turning white. "That's...that's really great."

Red hesitated. In her excitement, she'd forgotten how Nicky must have felt about missing out on all of this time with her baby. As Parker grew, Red saw more and more of Nicky in her. She was a harsh reminder to everyone on the gaping hole in her life. "You know, Nicky," Red said softly, glancing to Parker asleep in her crib on the other side of the room. "I missed Vasily's first steps. I missed Yuri's first word. Maxsim, well...I just about missed his first everything, running around after two toddlers and running the market."

"It's not the same," Nicky whispered, fighting tears.

"No," Red conceded. "It's not the same. But Nicky, just remember: you are going to have a lifetime of laughs with her."

Nicky brushed away a tear and nodded. In the last few weeks she had made the conscious decision to focus more on the positive, because if she didn't, she'd feel there was nothing worth getting up for, not without her baby in her arms. "So...she likes ducks?"

"Mhm," Red laughed. "Just like her mama, so I hear!"

Nicky stopped. She blinked away the tears. "Did Marka tell you that?"

Red smiled. "Yes. She wasn't on the walk - that was just me and little miss Parker. But I told her when I got in and she laughed. Apparently you loved the ducks as a little one too."

Nicky sighed. "I always used to beg her to take me to feed the ducks." Nicky thought back to years ago in her own childhood. Would she ever look at Parker and feel as little as Marka felt? At the moment, her heart burst with love whenever she thought of her baby. She was still worried that it was just hormones left over from the pregnancy, and that in time she would look at Parker with the same apathy that Marka displayed when she looked at her. The thought of feeling so cold towards her daughter, her own flesh and blood, made her stomach churn.

"And?" Red said after a moment of silence.

"She never did," Nicky said. "Paloma took me sometime soon afterwards, I kept bugging her about it...if Parker asked me to see the ducks, I would take her." Nicky paused, and her voice faltered. "I wish I could. But...you'll take her, won't you? Whilst I'm not around?"

"Oh, Nicky," Red sighed. She felt her own eyes filling with tears. "You know I will."

"Thank you, Red...I know she'll be safe with you." Nicky glanced around her at the growing queue for the phone. Nicky exhaled through her nose. "Okay, ma, I've gotta go. I love you. Kiss Parker for me, won't ya?"

"Always, honey. I love you too."

Red placed the phone down with a heavy heart. It had been a couple of weeks since she'd even been able to visit Nicky, and being away from her was killing Red. She could only imagine what it was like for Nicky, being away from her tiny baby. When she had newborns, wild horses couldn't have kept her away from them. She would have walked over hot coals for them. As would Nicky, she was sure. But the prison system had a lot to answer to and no amount of wild horses or hot coals would reunite Nicky and Parker, as much as Red wished she could make it all better.

Red walked over to the crib. A pair of big blue eyes stared up at her. Red reached down and Parker grabbed her finger, smiling up at the face she'd grown to know the most in her short life. "Come to babushka," Red said softly, picking her up. She took her over to the rocking chair, unable to fight smiling. She looked so much like Nicky.

The baby babbled happily. Red nuzzled against her head, laughing as the baby looked up at her, bemused, with her blonde hair wild. "You look so much like your mama."

Red started as the door to the nursery opened. Marka offered a self-conscious smile from the other side, and Red immediately stood.

"Oh, Ms Nichols," Red said, suddenly flustered. It wasn't like her to get panicked, but the phone call with Nicky had made her lose track of time. She should have had dinner ready by now, it was always ready and waiting by the time Marka returned.

"Don't get up," Marka said. She gently set her purse down on the change table by the door, slipped her heels off, and padded over to Red and Parker. "She looks so peaceful."

"She does," Red murmured. "The nanny had to leave a little early….dentist appointment," Red said. "I'm so sorry, Ms Nichols. I forgot all about dinner with this little one to distract me."

"Yes, Audrina called…" Marka trailed off, a faint look of irritation crossing her features. "And call me Marka, I've told you, Galina!" She smiled. "I'm sorry to leave you with Parker. I know I should have come home, but I had meetings all day...she said you were fine with being left with her."

Red smiled. "I think we managed. Except for dinner, that is."

Marka waved a hand. "We'll order dinner. You'll stay for dinner, won't you, Galina?" There was a slight desperation to Marka's voice, and Red knew she hated being in sole charge of the baby. Red loved nothing more than spending time with her granddaughter, and every smile she rewarded her with was enough.

"Of course I will." Red stood and placed the baby in the crib, stroking her cheek gently.

Marka hesitated before turning to leave the room. "I heard you before I came in." Red swallowed. She hoped Marka didn't mean her using the word _babushka._ Her heart thudded. Marka walked over to the crib, standing on the other side to Red. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled. "She does look like Nicky, doesn't she?"

"The spitting image," Red smiled. "They're both beautiful."

"Yes. She takes after my mother," Marka sighed. "A bitch by all accounts, but a beautiful one."

Red laughed. "Girls and their mothers, hmm?" She shook her head. "It's never simple, is it?"

"You could say that." Marka stopped. "I have a photo of Nicky, she looks exactly like Parker now...it's in an album somewhere. Gathering dust, probably." Despite her melancholy, Marka smiled. "I should put it up somewhere, next to one of Parker. I think she'd like to see it when she grows up."

"I think Nicky would like to see it, too," Red said softly. "I think maybe…I think it's what she needs to see. And maybe she would have liked to see it when she was little too." Red remembered the conversation she'd had all those months ago when she'd defended Marka by saying she had a picture of Nicky displayed. It had been a lie, but one to spare Nicky's feelings, and she was sure Nicky would remember. Red desperately hoped the little lie that had made Nicky light up could be true.

Marka nodded wordlessly. Letting go of the crib, she looked at Red. "I'll dig it out after dinner."

* * *

Nicky flipped through the pages of a baby book, rubbing her forehead tiredly. "There's so much to know. Did you know that their eyes can change color, at like any time?" Nicky marvelled. Then she sat back, deflated. "That means I could see her one visit and she'd have blue eyes like now...and then the next, she could have green. Or brown, or _anything._ And I won't know."

"Oh, I like her blue eyes," Lorna added less than helpfully. "She's like a little Taylor Swift with her blue eyes and blonde hair!"

Nicky rolled her eyes, but brushed Lorna's leg with her foot affectionately under the table. Lorna smiled passively and took Nicky's hand.

"Everything will be okay, honey," Lorna said, playing with Nicky's fingers. "You don't need book smarts to be a good mom. That kinda stuff comes naturally."

Nicky forced herself to smile even though she didn't believe her. Lorna was trying, and that's all she could ask from her crazy kind of best friend, kind of lover.

"And you're a great mommy already!"

Nicky scoffed this time. "My baby is miles away from me. I'm a fucking stranger to her! How in the _fuck_ am I good mother?" Nicky shook her head. "I'm worse than Marka. Who'd have thought it possible!"

"I don't wanna sound like Bryan Adams," Lorna started patiently, and Nicky wondered where the hell she was going with this. "But everything you do, you do it for her!"

Nicky couldn't help but laugh. It was more of a snort, and she wasn't sure if she was laughing or crying, but she did feel a little better. Lorna ran her hand through Nicky's hair. "She's so lucky to have you," the brunette whispered. She leaned on Nicky's shoulder.

"But she doesn't _have_ me," Nicky insisted. "I'm not there for her. I've never been there for her. Her whole life is sans me."

"Listen, Nicky...my mom was always there. My fucking god, was she always there! Could never get a boyfriend through the door…" she trailed off. "But she was never there _for me._ She was just...there. She was there but she'd checked out. The lights were on but nobody was ever home, you get me?"

Nicky wiped her nose on the back of her hand, nodding. She knew what having an absent mother was like. But unlike Lorna, she had found a real mother in Red. She had to pinch herself sometimes to remind herself how lucky she was. Even if she didn't feel like it, she _was_ one of the lucky ones.

Lorna inhaled, finding all the old memories hard to swallow after pedalling so many lies for such a long time. "You know, Nichols...you're the first person to really be there for me. Parker's lucky to have a mommy who loves her so much." Lorna hid the tears welling in her eyes. "And before you know it, you'll be back with her."

Nicky noticed every nuance in Lorna. It had come naturally, like everything else with her. She brushed some stray hairs from Lorna's face, giving her a better look at her expression. "What's up, huh?"

"Nothing…" Lorna tried to smile. "I'm so happy for you and Parker that you'll be together soon. I'm just...I'm gonna miss you, Nicky." Her voice broke, and tears rolled down her cheeks. Nicky couldn't help but smile, a wistful, indulgent, fleeting smile.

"We've still got months left together," Nicky comforted her. The words stuck in her throat. As much as she loved Lorna - because she really _fucking_ loved her - she loved Parker more.

Lorna knew Nicky was only saying the words to comfort her. But maybe it was her turn to comfort Nicky, because somewhere she found the strength to squeeze her hand. "It'll go by so fast," she whispered.

As Nicky looked into Lorna's eyes, a message over the intercom caught her attention. " _Nichols to Caputo's office, Nicole Nichols - is that really the name…? Okay...Nicole Nichols to Caputo's office."_

Nicky rolled her eyes, but gave Lorna a worried look. "I guess I'll be back in a few. Wish me luck, Morello."

Lorna waited till the last possible moment to let go of Nicky's hand. "It'll be fine," she lied, her forehead wrinkling.

Nicky walked confidently to Caputo's office, the baby book under her arm, and tried not to look terrified. She knocked on his office door as she approached and he immediately called out for her to come in.

He eyed the baby book under her arm approvingly. "Making good use of your time, I see," he nodded. Nicky nodded back, hanging back. "Sit down, please."

Caputo set his glasses down on his desk and waited for Nicky to sit down. When she did, he smiled at her. She had to resist the urge to recoil; seeing Caputo smiling was a weird and an unsettling occurrence. But she pushed through the uneasiness - a smile was better than yelling and being sent down to the SHU, which always felt only a whisker away.

"Good news. You're eligible for early release, Nichols."

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **Hiya lovelies! September is well and truly here and I'm loving it. How are all of you?!  
I hope you enjoyed the chapter; please leave me a review telling me what you thought.  
**_ _ **They really do inspire me to keep writing and update faster.  
Hope you're all doing wonderfully. **_

_**\- Star xo**_


	15. One Step Closer

"What?" Nicky stammered. "Early release?"

"Yep," Caputo confirmed, raising his eyebrows at his almost former inmate. "The board of directors find it abhorrent that so many mothers and babies are separated, apparently." He tipped his head towards her. "Didn't bother them when Diaz was separated from hers, though. Only applies when relatives start suing the DOC."

Nicky's head span, but she caught that last detail clearly. She snapped back into focus. "Huh? Who is suing the DOC?"

"Mrs Marka Nichols, according to this document I've been sent this morning. Consider yourself lucky, Nicky," he continued, letting the paper settle with the stacks of others on his desk. "Not many people have this opportunity, let alone the resources you have on the outside."

"Mm," Nicky said faintly, neither agreeing or disagreeing. He was right, despite her misgivings about Marka, and Nicky wondered why her mother hadn't phoned to tell her what she'd done. Though she was of course happy she would see Parker again much sooner than she had ever dared to hope, it was just yet another thing that Marka had gone over her head about.

"Seriously, Nichols. I know you have your problems with your mom, and all-"

"There's problems and then there's choosing your boyfriend over your kid." Nicky's eyes flickered to meet Caputo's, and she hated the sympathy that lingered in his expression for a moment. "I would never do that to Parker."

"No-one is perfect."

Nicky laughed. "How are you not just fucking done with the human race?" She shook her head. "If this place hasn't jaded you, I don't know what will, Mr Caputo."

Caputo sighed. "You have to make that choice everyday. You don't just become immune to life. You just...go on."

"Or sometimes, you just stop," Nicky said. "I think that's harder, you know. Everyone moving on without you on the outside. My baby's three months old, Caputo. She can smile and laugh and I haven't taught her a single thing, except that life is unfair."

"Arguably the most valuable lesson you could teach her," Caputo offered. A smile skimped Nicky's features, and he returned it with a genuine grin. "Don't take this for granted. Go home! See your baby. And do me a favor, forget all about this place. And convince your fucking mother to as well. I can't deal with another lawsuit." He shook his head, his eyes falling to the succulents that, despite Red's expert advice, had failed to thrive.

Nicky chuckled softly. "For you, Mr Caputo, I'll give it a try. You better believe in miracles, though; Marka has never listened to me a day in my life. I don't see why that would change now."

"You've changed now, Nichols." He sounded genuine.

Nicky's jaw worked as she took in the compliment. "I hope so." She paused for a moment. "When am I leaving?"

Caputo consulted his computer for a moment before turning his attention back to Nicky. "You can be home as soon as tomorrow, Nichols."

Nicky swallowed. "Tomorrow?" she echoed. She inhaled deeply through her nose, pushing her hair back roughly. "Thank you, Caputo. Is that everything? I...I have some goodbyes to say."

Caputo nodded. "Go on."

* * *

"What?" Lorna cried. "You're leaving tomorrow?!" It was like a switch had been flipped. A moment previously the brunette had been smiling and telling Boo all about her newest lipstick, and now...tears streamed down her face in a waterfall.

Nicky swallowed, and she blinked back tears. They'd had years together, and leaving a person at such short notice would always be a blow to both parties. "Listen, doll...you only have a year or so left, right?"

"Thirteen months," Lorna said bluntly, her face darkening. She let a sob escape. "I can't be in here without you, Nicky!"

Nicky pulled Lorna closer, planting a kiss on the top of her head. "Well, I'm sorry, Lorn," she murmured, blinking back her own tears. "I think you're gonna have to."

"Will you phone?" Lorna sobbed. "And visit?" Lorna sank her fingers into Nicky's arm, clinging onto her like a liferaft. "You know, I don't get so many visitors."

"I'll phone all the time," Nicky promised. She covered Lorna's cheek in kisses. "But I don't know how much I'll be able to visit. Parker...she's gonna need me, you know?"

" _I_ need you," Lorna cried. Nicky found herself detaching from the situation. It was a trick she'd learnt as a child - probably an unhealthy one, but it worked to protect herself from what was going on around her. When she was especially little, and her parents were having another blazing row, she would go back to storytime with Paloma. She could recite Cinderella, Red Riding Hood and The Three Little Pigs in her sleep. Now, she almost saw it as a positive. She had dreamed about reading them to Parker - and that's where she went now. She hoped that when she finally _could_ read them to Parker, she felt less lonely than she had back then. She almost shivered as she thought about it, even now.

But, sensing Lorna's distress, Nicky's eyes focused back on the situation. She turned to Boo. Her eyes searched Boo's desperately. "You'll look after her, won't you?" Nicky said, giving Boo's shoulder a firm squeeze. Boo's face lit up in a grin.

"Of course I will, son. Emotionally, physically…" she raised an eyebrow at Lorna and pulled her closer. " _Real_ physically, if that's what she needs."

Lorna wiped her eyes. "I don't think that will be necessary," she sniffed, leaning further onto Nicky.

"I'm kidding. Besides, I got my eyes on someone else…" Boo's gaze fell to a blonde that Nicky didn't know, and then Boo slapped Nicky's back gleefully. "I'll look after your girl, Nichols. Gotta have family in here."

Nicky smiled faintly. Her family was on the outside now, wasn't it? So why did she feel like she was leaving so much behind? Still, the family she had built from behind bars would always, she hoped, be behind her. She inhaled the smell of Lorna's raspberry shampoo, and drew her closer. "Come on, Lorna...can't you be a little happy for me?"

It was a big ask, and Nicky knew it, but Lorna nodded tearfully. "Of course I'm happy for you. It's the way it should be," she choked out. "I just hope Parker knows how lucky she is to have you."

Nicky let herself smile. Lucky to have her as a mother, who would have thought it? But the words _did_ comfort Nicky. "You can tell her that yourself when she's screaming that she hates me at fifteen."

Lorna looked up at Nicky. "You better believe I'll be there then," Lorna said seriously. "I'll be there in thirteen months, Nicky."

Nicky didn't know whether to believe it or not; it wasn't like Lorna had the best track record when it came to the truth, but it was a nice thought nonetheless, and she hoped she would be. Nicky smiled, just as tearful as Lorna now. She blamed the hormones. "I'll see you there."

Gloria saw the interaction and stepped out of the kitchen. She shook off her hair net and joined the small crowd forming. "You okay, Nichols?" she asked uncertainly. She had taken her promise to Red seriously; she looked after _all_ of her girls, even the ones on loan to her.

Nicky nodded enthusiastically. "I'm getting out."

"No shit," Gloria said in surprise. "You're lucky, girl. Go back to your mama and baby and make the most of it. I know I would."

Nicky looked up at Gloria sympathetically. Now she knew what it was like to be separated from her child, she had no clue how Red and Gloria and every other mother in the prison coped with it so well. It had been slowly killing her. "Hey, Mendoza?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for everything you've done for me." Nicky scratched the back of her neck. She was never good at emotional goodbyes or thank yous. She found them awkward and unnecessary most of the time, but today it felt right, even if a little stilted. "If you ever need anything, you have my number. Well, you have Red's, and you know...I'm with her."

Gloria smiled, and touched Nicky's arm. "Thanks, Nichols. You take care of yourself, okay? And take pictures of that little one. They don't stay that way for long."

Nicky grinned. "I know."

* * *

"Come celebrate with me, asshole," Nicky said, sauntering round the corner. She could smell the weed before she saw him, and he heard her before he saw her. As she leaned on the wall, Luschek looked away. His own eyes were misty, but who could tell if it was emotion or intoxication? Not Nicky. She bit her lip and took a drag from the cigarette he was held out to share with her, her hands trembling.

"So…" he breathed. The atmosphere around them was thick, and he wondered if she could feel it too. "Out tomorrow, huh?"

"You heard my news then," Nicky said flatly. She took a deep breath. "I don't know if I can do it," Nicky admitted.

"Do what?" Luschek said, refusing to look down at her.

"You know, be on the outside," she said quietly. Luschek couldn't help but smile; when was _Nicky_ ever quiet? "Fuck off, quit laughing!"

"I'm not laughing," he assured her, finally glancing in her direction. He took the cigarette back, blowing out a cloud of smoke. "You're a mom now, aren't moms supposed to know everything?"

Truthfully, he couldn't imagine Nicky as a mom - even when he'd seen them together at visitation and she'd been in her element it seemed totally wrong to him. When he imagine her on the outside - _not_ that he thought of her on the outside, of course (or at least that's what he told himself) - he imagined her smoking and strutting, in her element in some office job where she hated wearing the skirts and hated being told what to do but got through it anyway. He didn't see her as someone who would be coming back to this place, and he was glad - but even he would miss her.

"You know what I know now I'm a mom?" Nicky asked, leaning against the wall of the greenhouse, inhaling the fresh air before it was her turn to take another drag again. Luschek shook his head, gesturing for her to continue. "Moms knowing everything is _bullshit."_

Luschek laughed. "You didn't know that already?"

Nicky conceded, flicking ash onto the floor. "I guess you're right. Marka didn't know shit."

"Nor did my mom, if it makes you feel better," Luschek said.

Nicky eyed him up and down. "I guessed."

Luschek laughed despite the insult, and sighed deeply. He paused for a moment, watching her grind her teeth, and then uncrossed his arms. "I'm gonna miss you, you know. Call me crazy."

"You're crazy. But hey, call me a masochist, because I'm gonna miss your crazy, high, lazy ass too."

* * *

Nicky slipped into bed that night, clutching Red's crocheted blanket around her tightly. She felt like a child herself, and wondered what it would feel like to one day tuck Parker into bed. She swallowed the guilt that made her want to throw up at the memory of desperately not wanting her child. It was an abhorrent thought now, and she wondered how on earth there was a point where she didn't love that little girl. She'd regret those months of wishing her out of existence for the rest of her days.

She'd already decided that she'd give the blanket to Lorna. Part of her wanted to take it with her, and use it to keep her safe. But by then she'd have Red in person, and she wouldn't need a blanket to keep her warm. She would still worry about Lorna, but at least she would know that she was warm.

Nicky stared up at the ceiling, just like she had done every other night. She had never told anybody, but when she found out she was pregnant she would talk to her belly. Red had told her it would help with bonding, and truth be told, it had helped her feel less alone. And even when Parker had been taken away on that god-awful day that would always be Nicky's worst, she hadn't stopped. She still talked to her baby girl now.

Tonight, it sounded different. More upbeat. She even smiled as she said the words she had been waiting to say for months now. "Parker, baby," she whispered, counting the pocks in the ceiling tiles despite having done it hundreds of times before. "Tomorrow is our last day apart. I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and teach you _everything..._ you're never gonna learn to walk because I am never putting you down, not again." Happy tears slipped down Nicky's cheeks. "Do you hear that, Parker?" she asked, having long past the initial embarrassment of talking to herself. "Mommy's coming home."

* * *

 ** _A/N:_**

 ** _Hi lovelies!  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave me a review telling me your thoughts!_**

 ** _To the guest asking me where I got the idea for this fic -  
I was sitting around and suddenly got this flash of Nicky, lying in her bunk singing Hush Little Baby (the alternate title to this fic!) to her pregnant belly. I worked the plot around that vision.  
Imagine my surprise when the exact same scene came in S6 with Lorna! I freaked out. SO weird and cool!_**

 ** _Hope you're all safe and well._**

 ** _\- Star xo_**


	16. The Truth Will Set You Free

Nicky's leg bounced in the back of the cab. Raindrops rolled down the windows and Nicky smiled - it felt nice to be in this little bubble, away from prison drama and lockdowns and arbitrary pat downs. She was safe here, albeit a little uncomfortable as she slipped down the polished leather seats, travelling slowly back home. Home, the place she thought she would never return to; it was a strange, unsettling feeling as she started to pass old haunts and remember things she hadn't thought about in years.

After what felt like an endless journey of worrying and fretting about all the things out of her control, Nicky cleared her throat. "Just turn left here," she said softly. Ahead was the house she hadn't been to in years and that had never been home, not really, but that now held the thing that was most precious to her now - her daughter. "Could you park at the top of the street? I just want to walk for a bit."

The driver nodded at her in the rearview mirror. Marka had booked the cab and paid for it in advance, so Nicky only had to worry about actually working up the nerve to knocking on the door. She felt fifteen again, coming home after running away for the umpteenth time.

The door opened before Nicky even managed to drop her hand, and Marka stared at her from the other side. She looked so much older than Nicky remembered, and the blonde offered her a small smile. It wasn't easy, but she was willing to try. For Parker.

"Nicky," Marka breathed. "Come in, darling. It's freezing out there. Look what the rain's done to your hair."

Nicky fought the urge to roll her eyes. She looked past Marka to see Red standing in the hallway, watching the scene unfolding. Nicky couldn't help herself - she rushed into Red's arms, burying her nose into Red's shoulder. She smelled the same; of cooking, and of home. It was a strange feeling, not being yelled at for touching another person. Nicky relished it, and held on for far longer than she meant to.

"I missed you," she murmured into Red's ear.

Red was acutely aware of Marka's eyes burning a hole into the back of her head, and gently prised Nicky off of her. "You're so welcome," Red said loudly, making a point to smile at Marka. "But you don't have to thank me. I was happy to bring Parker to see you."

Marka looked worriedly at Nicky. Nicky's heart soared at her daughter's name. "I was busy at meetings. You understand that, don't you?"

Nicky didn't comment, so Red filled the silence. "Parker's asleep. We could wake her…?"

Nicky shook her head minutely. "No," she said reluctantly. She didn't want to admit it, but she was nervous to see her daughter again. Essentially, she was a stranger to her own baby. It killed her, and she couldn't bear the thought of Parker crying because she didn't know who was kissing her. "She needs her sleep. I don't want to upset her. She'll wake up."

"I made lunch," she announced. "Why don't you go and enjoy it? It will give you two a chance to catch up. I'll make myself busy."

Nicky threw a pleading look in Red's direction, but if Red caught it, she didn't react. Marka was feeling the same anxiety at being left alone with Nicky, and quickly shook her head.

"Please, Galina," Marka said, sweeping her way into the dining room as Red and Nicky followed numbly. "Sit down with us. You've helped raise Parker, you more than deserve to celebrate with us."

 _Celebrate._ The word made Nicky's lips quirk into a smile. In a strange way, her biggest mistake - but greatest achievement, of course - had only served to bring Marka and her closer. Of course they would never have what other people had; what Nicky craved to have with Parker, in the future, but Parker's arrival made the two come together. It might not have been through choice, but maybe it wouldn't be so terrible.

"I'll grab our plates, then," Red said, a smiling creeping onto her face. She subtly winked at Nicky as she turned.

"Let me help you," Nicky said. She smiled tightly at Marka, who didn't comment as she unfolded the napkin on her lap. She scampered into the kitchen after Red. It was unnerving, watching Red doing what she did best but in such an unfamiliar setting.

"I've missed this," Red said, as she passed Nicky cutlery to lay on the table. Nicky smiled, tapping a fork against the countertop.

"Me too," the blonde admitted. She stole another hug, then quickly pulled away. Her nose wrinkled, and Red was instantly reminded of Parker. "It's weird seeing you and Marka being buddies."

A smile played on Red's lips. "She's not my buddy," Red laughed. "She's my boss, honey."

"Well, I think she likes you."

"Is that so?" Red raised her eyebrows, dishing up steaming vegetables. Nicky breathed in appreciatively. It had been a long time since she'd eaten truly fresh food, and the smell was almost irresistible. Nicky reached out and sneaked a piece of roasted carrot. Red pretended not to see. "How do you tell?"

"I can't," Nicky said, swallowing her mouthful and going for another. Red swatted her hand away. "But if she didn't you'd know."

Red nodded, passing Nicky a plate to take into the dining room. "I think you're right," she smiled. "Here. Take these two and put them on the table. I'll bring this one and then get the wine."

"Wine?" Nicky raised her eyebrows. "Is that for me too?"

Red flashed Nicky a warning look. "I think you'd better stick to water, don't you?"

Nicky rolled her eyes but nodded, saluting in jest. "Okay, boss!"

"I'll be through in a moment. Go sit with Marka. You two need to get along, for-"

"Red, I know," Nicky interrupted with a sigh. "For Parker. I _won't_ blow it."

"I know."

Marka pushed the food around her plate, clearing her throat. The silence that had ensued was awkward for everyone, and Nicky was almost relieved when cries echoed through the apartment. Her face brightened and she scraped her chair against the floor, not even wincing when it dragged across the floor. She dashed across the corridor to Parker's room and switched on the light. The baby screamed louder at the brightness and Nicky cringed.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Nicky soothed, walking over to the crib. Parker stared up at her with watery blue eyes, her little face blank. Nicky reached into the crib. When Parker shrank back from her touch, she swallowed hard. She'd anticipated it being hard, but she hadn't anticipated the punch to the gut when her little girl didn't want her near her. "It's me, mommy," Nicky continued, staying upbeat. She pulled Parker out of her crib, holding her close. "Do you recognize me now, hmm?"

Nicky rocked the baby. It felt natural but uneasy as she tried to make her arms a steady cradle for her child. When she kept screaming, Nicky's brow knitted together. She'd never done this at visitation, when all the new sights and sounds provided adequate distraction. And when Red was right there at the other end of the table, Nicky thought.

Her cries grew shriller and more hysterical, and Nicky bounced her way into the dining room. Red looked up from her plate. Clearly, the crying hadn't disturbed her to the point of concern. Marka did the same, but a worried expression marred her pretty features.

"She won't stop crying," Nicky said, looking dangerously close to tears herself. Red offered her a small smile, but didn't interfere. Her own mother hadn't been around much when her boys were small, but when they visited Russia, she'd always hated it when her mother jumped in at the slightest cry she couldn't quieten. Despite what some people say, Red had found that mothers don't inherently know what's wrong with their baby. It comes with time and experience. She wanted to give Nicky that time.

Nicky's fears far surpassed any maternal doubts Red had ever had. She'd been a natural, but Nicky had been robbed of that chance from the beginning, and it was like starting from scratch again. She bounced Parker in her arms, a worried frown painted over her face. "She doesn't recognize me."

"Of course she recognizes you," Marka said bluntly. "Babies always recognize their mothers, honey."

Red was surprised Marka even comforted Nicky, pleasantly so. But Nicky's scoff showed that she saw it differently; a farce, if there ever were one - Marka giving parenting advice. Yeah, right.

Nicky glared as the screams grew louder and Parker arched her back. "Is that why I called Paloma ' _mommy'_ until I was four years old?"

Marka's face turned scarlet and she dabbed at her mouth furiously with her napkin. "Nicky, please," she said desperately. "You probably heard her daughter calling her that. Parker knows who her mother is."

Nicky didn't care about her childhood angst anymore. Her main focus was the screaming child in her arms that she seemingly couldn't comfort. "Will you just take her, please," Nicky said, equally as desperately.

Marka stood and held her arms out, but Nicky shook her head angrily. "Not _you,"_ she spat, the cries making it impossible for her to be even the slightest bit diplomatic. There was something about Parker's cry; perhaps it was animalistic, or maternal instinct, but she'd always been able to ignore other crying babies in the street. Now it was her own, the sound made her physically ache, and it broke her not being able to know what was wrong.

Nicky passed Marka and handed the baby gently to Red, who gave a concerned look to her daughter. Nicky was past caring. Her sole attention was on Parker, and relief flooded her features as the crying slowly began to subside.

But Marka wasn't done.

"How can you say that? You barely know the woman!" Marka flushed and turned to Red. Marka being flustered threw Red off; she looked so much like Nicky when she was angry. "I'm sorry, Galina, of course I know you're wonderful with Parker. But my daughter always seems to think the worst of me. She trusts you over me," Marka said, her eyes misting. "I'm her mother, for God's sake!"

Red was watching as the look in Nicky's eyes grew colder. Her grip tightened on Parker. She noticed the way Nicky was grinding her teeth. And she willed her, inside of her head, not to say anything. But the rage that consumed Nicky had taken over, and deep down, the older woman knew that a shitstorm was about to go down. All she could do was hold her granddaughter close to her chest, and pray to a God she didn't believe in that things wouldn't be as bad as she expected.

"You're not my mother! _Red_ is!"

"Who is _Red?"_ Marka flung back, her face a picture of bewilderment. "Do you see what I mean, Galina? Listen to her! Can you imagine if _your_ daughter spoke to you like that? She probably has more respect!"

Red tried not to react, despite the fact that _her_ daughter was the exact one Marka was hurling insults at.

The fury in Nicky's eyes subsided as she looked at Red. She knew that she was the daughter Red had spoke about, seemingly at length, but couldn't stop herself from spilling the truth. "I'm sorry," she mouthed to Red.

Red opened her mouth, trying to defuse the situation. "Nicky-"

It was too late for niceties.

Nicky huffed, glaring at Marka. "Are you fucking stupid?" And then she pressed her lips together, glancing at Parker. She hated swearing in front of her baby, and the guilt that instantly rained down on her made her promise not to do it again, but the anger still burned. She pointed to Red. " _She's_ Red!"

 ** _A/N:_**

 ** _Hi lovelies! Hope you enjoyed the newest chapter. I haven't updated in forever.  
This update is long overdue, but my excuse is that I'm attempting NaNoWriMo this month!  
_** ** _*ignore the fact that I haven't updated since before November please lmao*_**

 ** _Please tell me what you thought in a review._**

 ** _Hope you're all safe and well!_**

 ** _\- Star xo_**


	17. Together

Marka didn't say anything for a moment. She pushed her chair in, the sound of her chair scraping on the floor enough to make everyone cringe, and then pushed her blonde hair back against her head. For not the first time since they'd started working together, Marka looked flustered and totally out of her depth.

"Mrs Nichols," Red began, her blue eyes not quite brave enough to meet Marka's, "I can explain."

Marka couldn't even muster up the false smile she used for difficult clients, the ones marked in red in her diary. She blinked at Red, her head tilting. Lost for words wasn't something she was often, but now she couldn't string a sentence together no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many stammered starts there were.

Nicky's eyes were glued to the floor. Red shifted Parker to her hip. The crying had long subsided, but Red almost wished the whimpers would start up again. A baby, she knew how to deal with. She'd changed more diapers and calmed more babies than anyone could ever imagine, and it was her territory. Fractured families and betrayal was something she'd dabbled in - from her own crimes, no less - but not something she knew how to navigate. And definitely not something she wanted to deal with today.

Red closed her eyes for a split second. She _knew_ why Nicky had said it. She understood, but it didn't make her less upset with her. Nicky might be a mother now, but she hadn't been through a child who hated you. Who _told_ you so. A child who desperately wanted to be someone else's. A child who called someone _else_ mommy.

Red hadn't been through the latter, but she had been through children who abandoned her. She swallowed hard as Nicky and Marka's trauma brought her own fractured family to the surface. Her boys loved her, and for that she was grateful; but she too had heard ' _I hate you'_ from the lips of a child she'd given everything to. And she'd deserved it at the time - she had left her babies in a shit, awful scenario.

But Nicky couldn't possibly understand how that tore you up inside. _You're only as happy as your unhappiest child,_ it's said, and Red understood that more than many. The older woman hoped Nicky never would understand it. Of course all teenagers scream hurtful things to their parents, but rarely do they mean it. Her boys had.

No, Parker was too little to think that Nicky was anything less than perfect, and Nicky in her ignorance was taking that for granted.

Marka held a shaking hand out, silencing Red from saying anything further. "I need a minute," she murmured, excusing herself from the room. As she stepped away, both remaining women heard the click-clacking of her heels on the wooden floor quickening in pace, and the slam of her bedroom door.

Red rubbed at her temples with her free hand, her other hand wrapping tightly around Parker. If only she could protect her from what was about to go down.

Nicky finally looked up. Her stare was hard but she eventually let up. "I'm sorry," she said finally, anything to fill the silence.

Red pressed her lips together, remaining unimpressed. As much as she had missed her girl, and as much as she appreciated _why_ Nicky had burst out with it in anger, she had missed the much bigger picture. This was Nicky from five years ago, the Nicky with nothing to lose, the Nicky with a chip on her shoulder and a problem with the world. Not the Nicky trying to make a life for herself.

"Take your baby," Red said, exhaling forcefully through her nose. "I need to sort out this mess before it blows up."

Nicky's forehead creased. "I _know_ I messed up, Red, but-"

Red placed Parker in Nicky's arms when the blonde made no move to take her, despite the infant whining for her babushka, her little starfish hands stretching out. Nicky held the baby awkwardly, out of practice with the whole thing, and looked at Red with an agonized expression.

"Nicky," Red said evenly, "I get why you are angry. I promise I do. But Marka is _trying._ And that is more than can be said for you right now."

She wasn't yelling or cursing, but it still hit Nicky hard. The blonde bit her lip, cradling Parker close to her face to stop the tears from falling.

Red relented a little, unable to see her daughter this hurt in what should have been a joyous occasion. She reached over, brushing her cheek gently. She did the same to Parker, and then pushed Nicky's wild mane of hair back, winding a curl around her finger.

"I will fix this," Red promised, locking eyes with Nicky. "But you have to try. Okay?"

"I will," Nicky insisted. She put her hand on Red's hand, the one that rested on her cheek. "I've missed you so much, Red."

"I've missed you too, silly girl." She drew herself up, taking a deep breath. "Wait here with Miss Parker. I'll be back soon. Don't worry."

Nicky _was_ worried. She held Parker close to her pounding chest, drawing comfort from being near her baby.

* * *

"Mrs Nichols," Red murmured, poking her head around the door. Marka looked up, her face ashen, and nodded for her to come in. Red let out a breath and stepped forward. "Please let me explain."

Marka barked out a laugh. "Please _do_ explain! I have no idea what's going on," she admitted, letting blonde strands of hair fall in front of her watery eyes. She wiped at her eyes, obviously embarrassed by the tears, and dabbed at her face with a tissue. She looked at Red. "I had to walk away, Galina."

Red threw her a sympathetic smile.

"If I hadn't, I'd have said something I would regret." She closed her eyes for a moment, perhaps reliving all the other ugly words throughout the years - the ones she had come to regret - and then swallowed hard. "There's already so much regret in this family. If you can call us that."

Red closed a fist behind her back. Her tongue found a piece of dead skin on her lip and she ripped it away. Anything to avoid saying what had to be said. But Red had never been one to tread lightly. After a moment of silence, she came right out with it.

"I met Nicky in prison."

A sharp intake of breath was all Red heard.

"Prison?" she echoed. "She met you...in prison. And she thinks you're her mother." The blonde woman had to laugh.

Red winced, but continued. "I'm going to be honest with you."

"Why start now?" Marka asked. She brushed her hair back, perfectly shaped eyebrows rising challengingly. "They say ignorance is bliss."

"It is," Red conceded. "Until reality hits you like a shit ton of bricks."

Marka let herself smile.

Red took a deep breath. "I helped her detox. I don't mess around with drugs. I can't stand them. She's been clean for a long time now. I'm not a violent person. If you're worried about Parker."

Marka couldn't pretend it didn't sting. All the rehabs she'd paid for hadn't worked, but one lone Russian woman had. It made her feel inadequate to say the least.

"Prison...it shapes you. It's unlike anything else," Red said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Nicky and I have been through a lot together." She hesitated. "I consider her my daughter."

"But she's not your daughter." Marka locked eyes with Red. "She's mine."

"I know," Red said quietly. The woman had failed Nicky miserably, and the stories she'd heard about her were awful. But she couldn't hate her, not seeing her like this - mother to mother. "I didn't come here to antagonize you."

"You knew who I was when you stepped into my home. You lied to me, Galina! Every day you worked with me, you lied."

She couldn't act as if she were sorry. "I did it for Nicky."

This time, Marka was quiet. "I know that."

"And for Parker."

Marka glared. "I've taken care of Parker to the best of my ability. She's a happy, safe little girl. I love that child with everything I have. Don't you _dare_ to try and tell me otherwise!"

Red looked heavenward, praying for strength. "And she loves _you,_ Mrs Nichols. But you loved Nicky when she was a baby too, didn't you?" Red was pleading with her eyes. "Sometimes love just isn't enough."

Marka flinched. Her hands were folded in front of her, and Red really didn't know where this conversation was going.

"I'm not sorry I came here," Red said, trying to level with Marka. "But I _am_ sorry I lied to you." The redhead paused, wondering if it was wise to continue. "Truthfully, when I came here, I wanted to hate you."

Marka's head snapped up. "Excuse me?"

"Nicky had told me about her childhood, about you. I came here thinking I would hate every moment I had to spend with you. I thought you would be this...villain. You were just a character in my head. But I know you aren't. Children tend to remember things differently than adults. Nicky remembers being put to bed by Paloma, she doesn't remember the nights you spent at your desk working to afford all the things she had."

"She told you about Paloma?" Marka interrupted. She bit her nail, anxiety seeping from every pore. "She's always been so guarded."

"I know everything about Nicky."

"More than I do," Marka said. Tears were spilling down her cheeks, and Red felt choked up herself.

"You aren't a villain, Mrs Nichols."

"Nicky thinks I am."

"Nicky…" Red couldn't help but smile as she thought of her daughter. "Nicky feels abandoned. Unloved. Even if that's not the case," she added quickly.

"I did love her." Marka looked up at Red. "I _do_ love her."

"But you never told her that. Children need to be told that. They need boundaries. A present parent.I failed my boys, Mrs Nichols...but we worked on it. You have to do that with Nicky."

Marka's anger was webbing away. She still felt betrayed, and lied to...but Nicky had probably felt betrayed by her, too. When she'd abandoned her to the prison system, not visited once. When she left her with her nanny for hours on end. And she was willing to give her another chance now.

"Call me Marka, Galina. How many times?"

"Okay," Red let a smile creep onto her lips, feeling a resolution was soon to be had. "Then call me Red, Marka."

Marka nodded. "I don't want this wrecking this family." When she said _family_ this time, it sounded much more firm. "We have spent far too long apart as it is. We've both made mistakes. And I'm willing to try if Nicky is."

Red raised her eyebrows. She could only hope her tearaway daughter was willing to try. If for no-one else but for her own daughter, who needed stability more than anything else.

Marka stood, and, brushing the tears from her cheeks, walked into the living room. Red followed like a little dog at her heels, and Nicky immediately stood from the couch. Parker's eyes followed her two grandmas around the room.

"We're going to work through this," Marka said. She looked pointedly at Nicky. "I know things haven't been easy between us, but you can't push me away."

Nicky chewed her lip. She hadn't thought of it like that before - but maybe she _was_ trying to test Marka out. See how far she could push her before she gave up again. It made her stomach squeeze and she pushed down the feelings of nausea.

"Thank you," Nicky said begrudgingly. Somehow this place made her feel like a sulky teenager again, and her mother triggered so many negative emotions within her. But she forced herself to look up, and jutted her chin out at Marka. "Thank you for trying. You know. For Parker."

"It's not just for Parker," Marka said. "It's for you too, Nicky. I _know_ I've made mistakes. But you need my help," she said, and Nicky tried to stop herself from prickling with annoyance. "Together, we can do this. You and me."

Nicky held Parker close to her. Her guard was still up, but Marka knew why. She ignored the doubtful stare from Nicky. "And Red."

Red cringed. _Learn to pick your moments,_ she thought. Shooting a warning glance to Nicky, Red tried to make herself less imposing.

"And Red, if that's what it takes."

Nicky didn't like that wording. Red had been everything to her for years now. She was more than an imposition, more than something that had to be put up with.

"No," Nicky said forcefully, so suddenly that Parker cried out. Nicky bounced her for a moment and when she looked settled, continued. "Red's been there for me for years. She supported me throughout my pregnancy. Throughout my detoxes. Everything. She's part of my family. She's…" Nicky fought the urge to say _my mother,_ and instead trailed off. "If this is going to work, Red is going to be here."

"I am here, honey. Don't beat a dead horse." She reached a hand out for Nicky and the blonde squeezed it.

Marka looked to Red, her eyes fixated on their locked fingers. Regret pooled in her eyes, but she nodded. "I wish things were different. I know how you see...Red." The name stuck in her throat after calling her Galina for so long. "And I know it's weird, and maybe it'll take some getting used to. But we can make this work, Nicky."

"And Red still has her job?"

Marka frowned. "Of course. If she still wants it."

If it was going to be a clean break, she couldn't hold anything against Galina. Besides, as much as Marka hated to admit it, she had done _her_ job. She had taken care of Nicky. Who knows where she might be now if it weren't for her. And for that, although she couldn't say it aloud, she was grateful.

Nicky nodded. And then, to break the ice, she smirked at Marka. "Lots of kids have two moms nowadays, anyway."

She laughed as Marka twitched.

"Too soon?" Nicky said.

"Too soon," Marka confirmed. But even she couldn't help herself from smiling as baby Parker giggled to herself, perhaps sensing an atmosphere.

Nicky smiled, and it was genuine this time. "Fair enough," she said. She smirked again. "I'll try again tomorrow."

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **Hello my lovelies! I hope you enjoyed the chapter.  
Please leave a review telling me your thoughts.  
Happy new year!**_

 _ **Hope you're all good.**_

 _ **\- Star xo**_


	18. Ready or Not

Nicky's eyes opened for the tenth time that night. She flipped over and looked at the clock on the bedside table, a red 4:30 illuminating the room that was otherwise swathed in darkness, and held her breath as she listened. Parker's cries echoed through the apartment. It wasn't Parker who had woken her up each time, but she woke up on the hour every hour and then some nonetheless.

It had been a fitful night's sleep to say the least.

Nicky was ashamed to say that she didn't spring out of bed upon hearing her daughter's cries. Instead, she lay in bed, her eyes burning as she stared at the ceiling. The dark was an anomaly now; she found it unsettling rather than comforting.

Parker's cries grew louder. Nicky pressed her hands over her ears, bundles of hair not doing much to insulate the noise. The _idea_ of a baby was so much simpler than the actuality, she was finding. It wasn't that she didn't love Parker - far from it, in fact. But weren't mothers supposed to just _know?_

Nicky threw the covers off of her legs. Leaving her bed was a wrench, but she stumbled out of bed and into the darkness. She wrung her hands as she padded to Parker's nursery. With every cry her anxiety mounted. Nicky had never been a worried person - going with the flow had always seemed easier. But she had never had such pressure on her before, and suddenly her hands were trembling as she eased open the door.

A dusky pink light fell over the room from a small night light on the wall, and Nicky used it to navigate to the cot. She placed her hands on it, psyching herself up to comfort her baby. She sickened herself. What _mother_ didn't know how to make her own child stop crying? How could she call herself Parker's mommy when the little girl looked up at her not in recognition but with apprehension?

Did Parker love her?

Nicky stared down at the screaming infant, her eyes unseeing. The cloud motif in the nursery was fitting as tears dripped down her cheeks like raindrops.

She doubted it.

What if she was everything she hated about her own upbringing? What if she was _Marka?_ Red had said everything would make sense the moment she clapped eyes on her baby, but it hadn't - and with time came more confusion and not much else.

Nicky pawed at her cheeks, salty tears stinging the raw skin on her neck that she'd scratched in her sleep. After a moment's hesitation, she reached down into the crib. "Shh," Nicky said absently, her hand running down Parker's back. Her fingers danced along her spine comfortingly, and thankfully, the cries quietened.

Nicky let out a breath.

"I'm so sorry for leaving you," Nicky whispered into the darkness. "I know what it feels like, you know...to be left behind." Copper hair fell in front of Nicky's teary eyes as she bowed her head. She cleared her throat. "I don't want you to _ever_ feel like that."

She was ashamed to even admit to herself that the harmony that had fallen over her newfound home hadn't brought her any joy to speak of. Chaos was what she had always thrived on. Now she just felt flat. Even with her baby staring up at her, she felt numb.

Maybe she'd been too busy to notice before, too wrapped up in the pregnancy, the birth and then her release...but she hadn't noticed feeling low until now.

Yet now it felt as if acid rain was pouring down on her. She forced herself back into the moment, and robotically reached down for Parker. Holding her in the crook of her arm, Nicky tiptoed into the kitchen. Parker was still whimpering as she flicked the countertop light on.

Nicky stood in the middle of the kitchen. Her brain was still foggy from sleep and she hadn't had any practise, but she tried to use some common sense. Her hand patted at the diaper, but it wasn't wet. Biting her lip, Nicky looked around the kitchen. There were bottles littered on the sideboards, and Nicky picked one up. It was like a foreign object. She'd never even held one before - she'd refused to give Parker a feed at the hospital. It would have been far too painful.

Yet the little innocuous item was yet another reminder of something else she'd failed in. She had spent her entire life berating Marka for her choices, yet she couldn't even _feed_ her own baby. She looked down at her breasts, still rounded from the extra weight she'd gained, and winced. It had been a painful few weeks after Parker's birth. She hadn't been convinced when Gloria had rocked up to her cube with frozen cabbage leaves, but as instructed she stuffed them down her bra and, to her surprise, it had worked. But it had left her feeling bereft. She should have been feeding her baby, not wishing for her milk to dry up.

So deep in her thoughts, Nicky had managed to drown out Parker's cries. They were echoing through the apartment, and though Nicky was ignorant to them, Marka was not. The older woman stirred in bed.

Nicky felt Marka's hand on her arm before she sensed her presence. If she was honest, it scared her a little.

"Sweetheart?" Marka asked, her forehead creased. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and ran her hand along Nicky's arm. Nicky dropped her arm out of reach and looked at her. "The formula is in the cabinet," she continued, reaching for it. She took it from the shelf and placed it on the countertop, waiting for Nicky to make the next move. When she did nothing but look overwhelmed, Marka sighed. "You can't leave her hungry. She'll scream the place down!"

Nicky blinked at Marka, and handed Parker to her. Turning to the countertop, she painstakingly measured out a scoop of formula and mixed it into the bottle. Without saying a word or turning around, she heated the bottle and then shook it wordlessly. Marka hadn't meant it unkindly, but it was yet another failure to in Nicky's eyes.

Looking at Marka, anger bubbled underneath Nicky's surface. She only wanted _Red._ Yet she was stuck with Marka. Just like Parker was stuck with her.

"Ready?" Marka asked, smiling in the soft half light of the kitchen. She laughed quietly as Parker scowled. Sometimes she looked at her granddaughter and was transported back thirty years. It was a conflicting feeling when she saw glimpses of Nicky in her, and she wished things could have been different between her and her daughter, but what was done couldn't be undone. They could only work through it. Her laugh faded and she turned to Nicky. "I think she's ready."

Nicky clutched Parker to her chest, feeling utterly out of her depth. She guided the bottle to Parker's lips and let out a sigh of relief when she knew what to do instantly, getting lost in the bottle almost immediately. Marka watched her daughter and baby and stepped aside.

"I have to get up for work in the morning," Marka said after a beat.

Nicky rocked on her heels, remaining wordless. She nodded reluctantly, not wanting to ask her to stay but also not wanting to be left alone.

"I'll leave you two alone. Call me if you need anything, okay?"

* * *

Nicky's face screwed up as the sunlight streamed through her curtains. Morning had arrived despite all of her prayers that it wouldn't. She groaned as she stretched her arms out. The silkiness of her sheets took her by surprise - remembering she wasn't in prison anymore was a feat she hadn't expected.

Wiggling her toes under the toasty sheets, she forced her eyes open. How had she ever left her bed before she went to prison? It was so _comfortable._ In her cosy fortress, the outside world could take a hike. She took a moment to drink in the serene silence, until it was broken.

Marka's voice floated through the apartment. "Nicky's still in bed," she said, the stress evident in her voice. Nicky wondered who she was talking to until a familiar Russian accent piped up. Parker's cries drowned out a lot of noise, and Nicky strained to hear.

Red was unapologetic in her answer, and as always, blunt. "Why?"

"I didn't want to wake her," Marka said. In the kitchen, she juggled a briefcase in one hand and Parker on the other arm. She passed Parker to Red, who quietened down. Her voice lowered, but not enough to make it too quiet for Nicky to hear. "I heard her last night," Marka admitted, running a hand across her forehead in concern. "She must have been up ten times."

Red nodded thoughtfully. She wound a finger around Parker's curls, the weight of a baby in her arms completely natural to her. "Teething, maybe? Parker usually sleeps so well."

Marka's eyes flitted to her granddaughter. "I don't think Parker was the problem."

Red met Marka's eye, mother to mother. She nodded. "I see," she said, then after a beat, she continued. "You go, Mrs Nichols. I can handle things here."

Marka didn't have to be told twice. With a grateful smile to Red, she was out of the door. And Red was already on her way to Nicky's bedroom door.

* * *

Without rapping on the door, Red yanked it open. Nicky looked up guiltily, but pushed the feeling down. Instead, she scowled at Red. "Ever heard of knocking?"

Red raised her eyebrows. Walking over to the curtains, she pulled them open. A sudden stream of harsh light flooded into the room. Nicky squinted up at her.

Red smiled at Nicky, ignoring her moody greeting. "Ever heard of morning?"

Nicky sighed, but threw the covers off of her. "I take your point," she grumbled. She had her legs out of the bed when Red held a hand up.

"I'm only joking," she said, feeling a stab of guilt. _Adjusting to life on the outside was hard_ , she reminded herself. _Give her time._ "Why don't you watch Parker while I make you some breakfast, hmm? You can eat it in bed, my treat."

It wasn't something she usually offered. When her boys were young, they had to make their own breakfast. She was far too busy to be pouring cereal and glasses of juice for boys who were more than capable. Breakfast in bed was a foreign concept, something only seen in movies.

Yet her girl - _girls,_ now - had softened her. That, and age. She no longer had to rush around in the mornings and had time for those special moments. Ageing had made her realize how fleeting these moments truly were. And if she was honest with herself, she cherished them. But it still put a smile on her face to imagine her boys' reactions to their ma bringing someone breakfast on a tray.

Red was putting Parker down next to Nicky when she finally jumped up. "No, that's okay," she said quickly, tugging at her pajamas. "Will you watch her while I shower?"

"Why don't you take her with you?" Red said, scooping up Parker from the bed. The way Nicky had bolted away from her daughter concerned Red. It was like she'd been burned. "I don't know if she'll like it, but it's worth a try."

Anxiety was written all over Nicky's face. She reached behind her neck and coiled a hair round her finger, pulling at it. "I don't know," she said, her eyes crinkling. "I can barely keep hold of the loofah. I'll drop her."

Red watched as Nicky rubbed at her left foot with her right in a repetitive motion. "Okay," she said easily. She met Nicky's eye, her concerns mounting. "I'll watch her. You shower. But she'll need a bath afterwards, you know."

"Why don't you use Marka's bathroom?" Nicky said over her shoulder. "It's warmer in there for her, anyway."

Red's forehead creased. "You don't want to bath her?"

Nicky's fist curled into a ball. "I want to spend the day catching up with you," she said, avoiding the question. "I've missed you."

It did the job of tugging on Red's heartstrings. "Okay," she said reluctantly. "I'll bathe Parker. Have your shower, go on."

* * *

After her shower, Nicky padded out of the bathroom. The shower _had_ refreshed her. Her favorite soap had been placed in the basket, a warm fluffy towel was hung up for her, and the water was _hot!_ She walked into the kitchen. The solitude was peaceful, and she sat at the table with a glass of water. As she sipped, she looked around.

Red's bag was propped on the island. A large envelope stuck out of the top, almost an invitation to go and have a closer look.

Nicky looked over her shoulder. She could hear splashing coming from the bathroom and, safe in the knowledge that Red would never leave Parker in the tub alone, crept over to Red's bag. The letter poking out curiously from the top was too tempting. The stamp that showed it was from Litchfield Correctional Facility piqued her interest even more.

She drummed her fingers on the table. _Well, if Red didn't want me to see it,_ she bargained with herself, _then she would have hid it better._ It was a pretty sore excuse, but she took it. Snatching the letter up, she ran her finger under the seal and opened it cleanly.

 _Dear Red,_

 _Your girl is doing okay. I know that's what you want to hear first off. Well, as okay as any mama in here can be, you know? She says she's fine, but I know she misses you._

A sad smile swept Nicky's face. She _had_ missed Red, more so than anyone could have understood with words alone. She let out a breath through her nose. If that was the case, then why wasn't she in there now? Tears sprang to her eyes. Why wasn't she in there, enjoying seeing the first bath she could have given her daughter?

She couldn't even come up with an answer for herself.

Tears splashed down onto the letter. "Shit," Nicky muttered, wiping the tears off of her cheeks and then the page. She was so preoccupied that she barely noticed Red walking into the kitchen, Parker dressed in a duck hooded towel on her hip.

"Lorna didn't teach you anything about mail fraud, then," Red said, unimpressed. Despite her raised brows, she wasn't particularly mad. It was nice to see Nicky interested in _something,_ at least. Marka's warning and Nicky's own behavior had Red rather concerned.

Nicky jumped. "Sorry, ma," she said, her voice thick. "But you know she wasn't in there for mail fraud, right? She's a fucking fantasist."

But Nicky bit her lip. She might have been crazy, but she was _her_ type of crazy, and she missed her. Like crazy.

"I know," Red said, her voice suddenly softer. She'd noticed the tears. She took the letter from Nicky's hands and guided her to sit. "Hey," she said, brushing wet strands of hair from her face. She sat down across from her, Parker in her lap. "What's wrong? Is it Lorna, you miss her?"

"Nothing," Nicky said. The tears streaming down her face left Red feeling unconvinced. "Nothing, really."

Red sympathized. "We can visit Lorna. Hormones can do funny things, you know. They fuck you up." She glanced down at Parker. "Whoops. No cursing in front of _Iva."_

Nicky managed a smile, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. When she'd first heard Red referring to Parker as _Iva,_ she'd wondered what on earth she was talking about. Red had smiled a little reservedly, and explained that it meant Willow in Russian. Her own babushka had always called her by her middle name, and she wanted Parker to know she was special.

"Now, what's up?" Red said. She wrapped the towel tighter around the baby, raising her eyebrows at Nicky. "Gloria said you were doing okay, I see," she said, glancing down at the letter. "She's one of the good ones, you know. Shit mail delivery from the justice system, though," she noted. "Cursing again. Parker's first word is going to turn the air blue."

Nicky snickered. Right now, swearing was the least of her concerns. She leaned onto Red, and her heart ached as Parker's fingers tangled in her hair and she leaned in for a closer look of her mommy.

"I would do _anything_ for her," Nicky sobbed into Red, the older woman's fingers raking through knots in her hair. "I know everyone said I would, and I thought it was bullshit, but I really would." She reached out to touch Parker. The curls that were so much like her own were baby soft and silky from her bath.

Red cupped Nicky's face in her hand, tilting her chin up to force Nicky to look in her eyes. She raised her brows, feeling rather slow on the uptake. "That's mothers for you," she said, shifting in her seat. "But what's _wrong, malyshka?"_

For the first time, she let herself think about her feelings. She stopped pushing them down and trying to shove a lid on a can of fireworks, because she felt ready to explode, and the sparks were gonna hurt everyone if she wasn't careful.

"I'd do anything for her," she repeated, squeezing her eyes shut. "But how can I love someone I don't even _know?"_ Tears streamed down Nicky's face and Red had never seen her crying harder, not even on that first night they met. An uneasy feeling settled in the Russian's stomach. Her chest heaved at the sight of her daughter looking so distraught, though she tried to hide it.

"She's my world, Red, but I don't love her!"

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **It's been some time!  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave a review telling me your thoughts.  
How is everyone?! Enjoying Spring, I hope... **_

_**\- Star xo**_


	19. Daddy's Little Girl

_**A/N: To the guest reviewer: Parker is around 5 months old.  
Just before I posted the chapter I had tweeted about always forgetting her age, and had to work it out to answer your question - so if I can't keep track of it, no wonder you can't! Haha. Hope that clears it up. If you were asking because the timeline seems off then that is probably my bad calculations. Hopefully not, though. ;) **_

_**Hope everyone is well. Also, I just realized - this fic is two years old, today! Happy birthday Midnight Lullabies lol.**_

 _ **Please leave a review, I appreciate every single one!**_

 _ **Star xo**_

Red's mouth was set in a hard line. She was having a hard time translating what was coming out of Nicky's mouth to the little girl on her lap.

"Of course you love her," Red insisted sharply. Her arms encircled Parker, providing a shield from everything else. She planted a kiss on the blonde curls on Parker's head. "Don't say things like that in front of her."

Her reaction did nothing to soothe Nicky's fears. The way her lip curled into a snarl, the way she pulled Parker away from her like she was poison…

Red looked utterly bewildered. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. It was only then Nicky realized how different Red looked from usual. Her spiky hair had softened, red waves falling down to her shoulders. Deeper frown lines marred her skin, compounded by her confusion in the moment.

Parker began to fuss on her lap. Red absently rubbed her arm in a half attempt at comforting her. She had experienced the baby blues, but this was something else entirely. This was foreign, unknown. This was _scary._ Even with her first baby, Red hadn't flinched. She was a natural mother, just like her own was. Perhaps she'd prepared herself better. Or perhaps it was just blind luck that she hadn't appreciated. _Either way,_ the older woman thought _, I'm out of my depth here._

"She's cold," Red said after a beat. "Let me put her down her a nap, then we can talk."

She didn't bother to ask Nicky if she wanted to do it; she knew what the answer would be. Instead she held Parker close, wanting to protect her from the harsh words her mother was hurling at her. Nicky wiped at her eyes, wishing she'd just kept her mouth _shut._ Nothing good came from talking. It had happened her whole life.

She was transported back to the last time she'd admitted something to Marka. The _very_ last time.

" _Of course you're going to prom," Marka said. She snapped her purse shut as she swiped her credit card at the checkout. "You'll look gorgeous in this dress. And don't worry, darling. We can sort out that hair."_

 _Nicky huffed. "That's not what I was worried about."_

" _Then what?" Marka asked. She sighed, turning to her daughter. Nothing ever came easy with her. It was like getting blood from a stone sometimes. The fifteen years they'd spent together as mother and daughter had done little for their bond. It was practically nonexistent._

 _Marka turned to the store assistant, smiling as she handed her the dress in a bag. "If you tell me, maybe I can help."_

 _Nicky's chin jutted up as she considered. She crossed her ankles as they walked out of the store, trying to focus on anything but what she wanted to say. "I don't wanna go to prom with Jude," she murmured, her cheeks flushing fuschia._

 _Marka raised her eyebrows, tittering. "I don't blame you. He's…" Marka searched for the right words. "Well, let's just say he's a little rough around the edges."_

" _That's not what I meant," Nicky mumbled. She was even too preoccupied to make a snide comment about Marka's attempt at being nice._

" _How about Andrew?" Marka continued, running her hand along a rack of clothes in the next department store she'd wandered in to. "He's cute, hmm? And his mother is the president of my country club, you know."_

 _Marka held up a sparkly bolero. "How about this? You'd look so grown up."_

 _Nicky cleared her throat. "Fine," she said, her eyes casting heavenward. "But listen, mom, I don't…" she chewed on her lip. "I don't wanna go to prom with a boy, period." She hesitated, then said, "I wanna go to prom with Jenna."_

 _Marka blinked. "But she's a girl."_

" _I know," Nicky said, scratching the back of her neck. Worry flashed in her brown eyes. She dropped her gaze to the floor. "I know."_

 _Marka stared at Nicky for a moment before the penny dropped. She paused for a moment, then nodded. "I'll tell Andrew's mom to get him to wear a silver tie," she said, the only giveaway to her feelings being the blotchy red patches forming on her chest. "That way you'll match."_

She almost expected it from Marka now. But Red? No. She'd never expected it from Red.

"Talk about what?" Nicky said, tugging at her sleeves. Clamming up was something she'd grown accustomed to. And though she'd never had to do it with Red, she did now. "There's nothing to say."

"I've got to talk some sense into you," Red snapped. "That's what."

The redhead left in a cloud of perfume and anger, leaving Nicky behind her. Nicky swallowed hard, holding her chin up. Her bottom lip wobbled. Red had always been someone to rely on. Ever since that first night when she'd fallen into her arms, she'd felt like she had _finally_ found where she belonged. Found her clique, her pack, her _home._

Now she felt more lonely than she ever had in her life. Somehow it was harder now. Harder now she knew what it felt like to be loved, to be cared about. Having it whipped away was cruel, even more so than if she'd never experienced it in the first place. Nicky stared at the table cloth until it blurred.

She didn't blame Parker. When she said that her baby was the best thing that ever happened to her, she _meant_ it. But now everything was changing, and not for the better.

Before she could change her mind or think it through, Nicky grabbed Marka's purse from a hook on the door. She had a number of purses, some for going out, some for work, but they all had credit cards and cash in them. She sprinted to the front door with it under her arm.

In the nursery, Red leaned on the changing table. Her heart was thudding, ringing in her ears. She focused her energy on changing Parker. Almost on autopilot, she put a clean diaper on her before wrangling her into a onesie.

"Your babushka has just fucked up big time, _Iva,"_ Red sighed. She drummed her fingers on the change table as Parker blew raspberries up at her. She planted a kiss on the baby's head and then picked her up, rocking her in the crook of her arm.

Tough love was her default, but it rarely worked with Nicky. How could it? Red closed her eyes for a brief moment. She hated admitting she was wrong, but she hated seeing Nicky so upset even more.

"Your mama does love you," she continued. She ran a finger across her jaw worriedly. "I should never have yelled at her. I think she needs reminding that people love her, too."

Red placed Parker down in her crib. Switching on her white noise machine, Red slowly backed out of the room. She flicked the light off and eased the door shut.

Red shuffled to the kitchen. "Nicky, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" she paused, looking at the empty kitchen table. She looked around the room. "Nicky?"

* * *

The cab driver looked at Nicky in the rearview mirror. "This really the stop you want?"

Nicky looked out of the window, her brows knitting together in apprehension. She nodded after a beat. "Yeah. An old haunt of mine, if you'd like."

He glanced at her. "I'd take you to hell in a handcart if you're paying, Miss."

Nicky let herself smile. "Trust me, this isn't far off hell." She stretched her legs as she exited, reaching through to swipe her credit card. He nodded at her approvingly and gave her a small wave as he drove off.

Standing in front of Litchfield was a strange feeling. Over the last day or so she'd come to realize that 'free' wasn't a place. It was a state of mind. And now she felt about as free as every single prisoner in there.

She sighed inwardly. The parking lot was stuffed to the brim with cars, all patiently waiting for their owners to return. Nicky tapped her foot on the tarmac, peeking at the time on her phone. She knew there would only be a few minutes until a shift change, but she didn't know who would come spilling out of those doors.

She waited.

After what felt like an eternity, a trickle of guards came out of the door. She strained to see who she was looking for, but failed. A second or so later, the second best thing arrived. Scruffy beard unshaven and unkempt, he stumbled to his car. Nicky wondered if he was sober. She doubted it.

"Luschek," Nicky called, keeping her head down but jogging over to him.

He raised his eyebrows, hand instantly rubbing at his neck. If she was trying to be inconspicuous, her mess of copper curls were betraying her. "Nicky?"

"Who else?" she asked, holding her hands out. "Listen, I need a favor…"

Luschek stopped short. "I don't like the sound of that."

Nicky laughed. "No-one ever does." She paused, then continued before she lost her nerve. "I've been inside a long time. All my dealers are locked up or dead. I just need…"

"No fucking way," Luschek said. He looked at her in bafflement. "You got out like two days ago! What are you even _doing_ here?" He looked behind him, seeing people beginning to stare. He grabbed Nicky by her elbow and steered her to his car. Sliding into the driver's side, he waited for her to close the passenger door.

"I'm not asking _you,"_ Nicky said reproachfully. "You'd smoke it all before I even got it." She forced an exhale through her nose. "I only know one person who can get their hands on the good shit," she confessed. Her gaze fell to the security door. "I know they hired Anderson again. I heard."

Luschek looked at her. "You want to score from _Anderson?"_

"I know it sounds bad, but-"

"Bad?" Luschek guffawed. "You sound like you've lost your fucking mind! He's a piece of shit. He assaulted you!"

Nicky rolled her eyes. "I can handle myself. And it wasn't really assault, you moron. It was a...mutual agreement."

"What about your baby?" Luschek continued, ignoring her. "Addicts mess up their kids. You wanna be like fucking Diaz? That's what happens. In twenty years you'll be back here with Parker by your side."

Nicky pressed her lips together. "You remembered her name."

Luschek rubbed the stubble on his chin as he felt his cheeks heating up. " _That's_ what you got from that?" He shook his head.

"Is he here or not?" Nicky asked.

Luschek narrowed his eyes. "I don't know who told you he was back, but they were lying."

Nicky's hopes fell, but she saw him twitch out of the corner of her eye. Turning round to see what he was looking at, she heard him groan. Anderson was leaning at his window.

"Fucking liar!" Nicky fumed. "I told you, I can handle myself."

Anderson smirked. "Trust me, Joel," he said, raising his eyebrows. "She can handle herself." He turned to Nicky. "You look…"

"Fat," Nicky raised her eyebrows. She usually loved the way her body looked, but she had to admit that nine months of pregnancy had taken their toll.

"That's okay." Anderson chuckled. The sound and sight of him made her skin crawl, but if she wanted a favor from him she had to play the long game. "I like a little extra meat on the bones."

Luschek rolled his eyes, shifting in his seat. Nicky had to admit she was finding the whole thing a little much, too. But she punched him in the leg to shut up, and focused her attention on Anderson.

Nicky shrugged. "It's only temporary. You know. Nine months on, nine months off."

Anderson nodded. "Didn't think that counted for abortions."

Nicky's brow furrowed. "Abortions?" she echoed. "What are you talking about?"

Luschek looked between Nicky and Anderson, his head ducked and eyebrows knit together. They both looked at him.

"Caputo, he said you'd had an abortion. That's why I'm back. No proof, you know?" He trailed off as Nicky didn't look any the wiser. "You _did_ get one, right?"

Nicky froze. All thoughts of drugs were suddenly out of her system and she couldn't fathom what she had even been _doing_ out here, not when her baby was at home. She locked eyes with Luschek, suddenly stricken.

"Of course she did," Luschek stammered. He looked at Nicky, widening his eyes. The message was clear - _do you really want this asshole around your baby?_ "Right, Nichols?"

She didn't. Of course she didn't.

Nicky nodded. "Yep. Yes, of course I did."

Anderson rubbed his hand along his mouth. Their lies were transparent, and the anger was mounting in him. "You fucking liar. Come on, man. Luschek, tell me the truth. This whore had my kid, didn't she?" His face was burning crimson. " _Didn't she?!"_

Nicky pulled at her hair. She'd ruined _everything._ Her heart thudded underneath her thin shirt, and she looked at Luschek for reassurance he couldn't give. Parker was just a baby; an innocent. All throughout her pregnancy, Nicky had been relieved that Anderson hadn't been obsessed like Mendez had been with Daya. That he knew about his baby, but was willing to walk away. She was sad for Parker, but _fuck,_ she was relieved that he wouldn't be around. He was a disgusting human being.

Now...she'd been wrong. And now she'd ruined it, all for a fix. She screwed her eyes shut, hating herself. It was in that moment that she felt the fierce need to protect Parker. To be with her baby. Is this what it took? She asked herself. To realize that you _do_ love your baby?

Nicky's eyes bulged. She was desperate to fix the mess she'd made. "I didn't!"

"Where is it?" Anderson demanded. "Where's my kid?!"

Luschek said nothing but turned the key in the ignition. He shook his head as he put the gas to the floor, reversing out of the parking lot. He turned to Nicky. His voice was terse when he spoke, his eyes hard. "I'm taking you _home._ _"_


	20. An Understanding

Nicky turned to Luschek as he cut the engine, unbuckling her belt. "Do I _have_ to go inside?"

Luschek rubbed the stubble on his chin. "No, but I'd have thought jail time would have swayed you against imprisoning yourself in this shit tip of a car."

The car ride over there had been lengthy and it had given her time to reflect on the whole situation. As reluctant as she was to go back in and face the music, she'd made up her mind on what she was going to do going forward. She let out a sigh. Though it might have seemed strange to some, facing this situation left her feeling weirdly calm. The anxiety she couldn't shake wasn't there now.

"Mm," Nicky agreed, kicking a tin of Coors light out of her way in the footwell. Pulled out of her thoughts, she remembered who she would have to face once inside. "They're gonna be pissed."

"Are you surprised?" Luschek wondered. "You didn't even need a fix. You just needed a reason to hit self destruct. Self sabotage," he said, tipping his head in her direction.

"You been reading self help books?" Nicky scoffed.

"Maybe," he said. "But I know you, Nichols." He ran his fingers through his hair, raising his eyebrows. "I know you."

* * *

Nicky put her key in the door and quietly slipped Marka's handbag back to where it was supposed to be before anyone noticed. As soon as she'd taken her jacket off, Red was in the doorway, Parker in hand.

Despite Red's glare, Nicky smiled as Parker babbled to herself. She grabbed fistfuls of Red's hair, laughing maniacally to the point where Red couldn't hide her smile either.

"Nicky," Red finally said, relieved beyond belief. She crossed the room and pulled Nicky in. She breathed in the scent of her hair, the warmth of her embrace. "I'm sorry, honey," she breathed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. Plenty of women get like this with their first."

Nicky pulled away, looking at Red with watery eyes. To know that Red didn't think she was some kind of monster was intensely relieving. "I didn't mean it," Nicky whispered. She gently took Parker from Red, and though her anxiety rose from simply holding her baby, she fought the urge to pass her back. Instead, she planted a kiss on the little girl's curls and held her close. "I do love her."

Red nodded. She still didn't understand what Nicky was so anxious about, and she still didn't know the solution to all of her girl's problems, but _this_ she knew. "I know you do."

Nicky rocked on her heels.

"Spit it out," Red said bluntly. She twisted a curl of Nicky's hair around her finger.

Nicky raised an eyebrow. "Hmm?"

"You have something to say. You've got that look on your face, I just know it." Red pressed her lips together. "What have you done?"

Nicky swallowed. "Is Marka in yet?"

"Yes," Red said. She quirked an eyebrow up. "You'd rather talk to her?"

Nicky shook her head, but a smile played on her lips. She could sense a little jealousy. "No. I need to talk to you both."

* * *

Nicky sat back after explaining. She left out a few key details, such as going there to get a fix, but most of the story was complete. Her fingers raked through Parker's hair as she tried to avoid the gaze of two mothers staring down at her. For what seemed like the longest time, neither of them spoke.

And then Marka did.

"None of this is unfixable," she said finally. Nodding, she brushed some hair out of her eyes. "Don't worry darling. Let me just...let me call my lawyers." Marka paused, blinking as she tried to gather her thoughts.

Red stared at Nicky, finding her actions incomprehensible. Although Nicky hadn't said _why_ she had gone to Litchfield, Red had a good idea of why. She let out a trembling breath. The consequences of her stupidity were _enormous._ And it wasn't just about her anymore - she had Parker to think about now.

Marka nodded again, coming to a stand. "It's okay. Everything will be okay," she repeated, as if trying to convince herself. Her eyes settled on Parker and she felt tears stinging at the back of her eyes. The thought of that man around her granddaughter made bile rise in her throat. "If he even _thinks_ about contacting you, he will be locked up. I'll make sure of it."

"No," Nicky said. She rubbed circles in Parker's back. "I know you won't understand, either of you..but I can't keep Parker away from him."

"Of course you can," Red said. "You're underestimating the strength of a good lawyer."

"That's not what I meant," Nicky continued. She didn't look up. "I don't _want_ to keep Anderson away from her. He's her dad. She deserves to know him."

"He raped you!" Marka exclaimed. "How can you possibly say you want Parker to be around _him?"_

Nicky rolled her eyes. "It wasn't real rape," she said defensively. "You know that. You're just using the word for dramatic effect."

"And you're deflecting!" Marka said. "He sought you out in your most vulnerable moment and held up drugs like a carrot on a stick. He assaulted you." Marka covered her eyes with her hand and sat down at the table. "You're a mother now, Nicky. Can't you see this from our point of view?"

Red looked up. Marka's use of the word " _ours"_ came as a pleasant surprise. But Mrs Nichols was right; Nicky was _theirs._ And Red would be damned if Nicky threw away her life due to how she was feeling in this hormone fuelled moment. The redhead nodded, her own brow creased worriedly. "Marka's right, Nicky - why don't you sit down and think about this for a moment?"

"No," Nicky replied instantly. Her face was set in a thunderous expression. "I'm not keeping Parker from her dad." Her mask slipped a little as she continued, "I wanted to see my dad so bad when I was little. And I know no matter what he did, I still would have wanted to."

"There's a difference between being a bad parent and a bad person," Marka said. "Your father wasn't a bad person. He might not have been the father you wanted, but he wasn't evil!" She chewed the inside of her cheek. "This man, this animal, he is! You cannot allow him to be around Parker. I'm sorry, Nicky, but you are acting like you've lost your mind."

Nicky's eyes hardened. She was getting sick of hearing that today.

"I don't want Parker to feel the way I do," Nicky said, guilty eyes flashing to Marka. "Maybe if you'd let me see my dad, this wouldn't be happening! If you'd been a better mother, none of this would be happening at all!"

Nicky set her hands down on the back of a chair at the kitchen table. She looked to Red for support, to tell her she was doing the right thing - but Red only sighed.

"No," she agreed, reaching out for Nicky's hand. "But you wouldn't have Parker now, either." She rubbed her thumb against the back of Nicky's hand. "Let's just talk, hmm?"

"No," Nicky said, tearing her hand away. "I don't want to be the reason she doesn't have a relationship with her father."

Red stood, opening her mouth to argue, but Nicky cut her off before she got the chance.

"I'm done talking." Nicky threw up her hands, storming out of the room with Parker. The only positive, Red bargained, was that she had actually taken her daughter with her.

Marka sat at the kitchen table, her head in her hands. Red hovered by the door. She was torn - follow Nicky or stay with Marka? She hated to say it, but she agreed with Marka. Suppressing a sigh, she too slid down at the table.

The resentment still festered under the surface with her, but she didn't like throwing the past back in her face. If having Parker had taught her anything, it was that being a perfect parent was a lot easier to do before you had kids. She had made too many mistakes of her own to have a leg to stand on, anyway.

"She has to make her own mistakes," Red said finally. And, despite knowing she probably should bite her tongue, she continued. "Maybe this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't kept her father away."

Marka waved her hand. "I didn't keep Les from Nicky."

"What?" Red said. Her brow knitted together and she gestured for Marka to continue.

"How could I tell my five year old that Daddy isn't coming to her sixth birthday party, or any other one for that matter? How can you tell a thirteen year old that her father doesn't want to go to her father daughter dance? How can you tell her that you know it's his weekend, but he's in France with the secretary who used to help her with her homework?" Marka shook her head. She rested her chin on her hand. "I couldn't do it, Galina. I just couldn't break her heart."

Red reeled from the information. "But she hated you for it."

Marka nodded, sweeping hair from her eyes. "She hated me anyway. What did it matter?"

Marka took a large gulp from the glass in front of her. Wine sploshed out onto the table, and whilst Red fought the urge to wipe it, Marka barely seemed to notice. She slammed the glass down with a sigh. "She never thought much of me anyway. But you know," she said wistfully, "Nicky loved her Dad. Always did."

Red stared at Marka. She heaved a breath. It mattered, she thought. It mattered so much. "You need to tell her."

Marka rubbed at the nape of her neck. "She won't listen to me."

"Maybe not, but she'll know. If she goes ahead anyway, then that's on her. But she needs the full story, Mrs Nichols. She needs to know."

"It'll be too much for her," Marka insisted. She played with the stem of the wine glass, spinning the crystal glass like it was cheap plastic. "She's fragile right now. She's not coping well."

"No," Red admitted reluctantly. She hated to collude with Marka, to say that her girl was struggling. But she was, and for Marka to have noticed, even without knowledge of this morning's events, she knew it had to be bad. Red shook her head. "If you thought that, why haven't you said anything?"

Marka let out a hollow laugh as she stood. As she pulled another bottle from the cabinet, she shook her head. "Who am I to tell her that?"

"She lied earlier," Red said reluctantly. "When she said she went to pay Luschek a visit. She went to get herself a fix."

"I know," Marka said.

"You do?" Red looked up in surprise. When Marka offered her a glass of white, she didn't refuse. She sipped from it, closing her eyes and letting herself get lost in the taste. When people said money can't buy taste, they clearly hadn't had this wine.

"Of course I do," Marka said, taking a large swig of her own. "She doesn't like to think so, but I know her. I noticed as soon as I walked in the door that my bag was gone."

Red's brow knitted together. "You didn't say anything."

"It's not the first time," Marka said wryly. "But nothing was missing. My credit card might be maxed out, but the bank hasn't called."

Red nodded slowly. "She hasn't taken anything. You can see it in her eyes."

"I know."

"She's through the worst of her addiction," Red said, taking another gulp of wine. It was blurring the edge of her anger and worry nicely.

"Her addiction is hurting herself," Marka said. She pursed her lips. "This smacks of hurting herself to ge back at me."

"You need to talk to her," Red repeated.

Marka closed her eyes for a moment, drained her glass, and then stood. "Wish me luck."

* * *

Marka knocked on Nicky's door hesitantly. She waited for a reluctant, "come in," before easing the door open.

Nicky's face fell when she saw it was Marka and not Red, but the older woman smiled anyway.

"Can I sit down?" Marka asked, gesturing to the bed Nicky was lying on with Parker sitting on her stomach. Nicky nodded. "Now, I don't want to fight with you, Nicky."

Nicky huffed. "I don't wanna fight with you either."

Marka sat. She played with the small stuffed elephant Nicky must have taken from Parker's nursery, her own from childhood. She smiled. "You used to love this thing."

Nicky watched warily. _You used to love me,_ she thought. Instead she reached for the elephant and tucked it down next to Parker.

"Red thinks I should tell you something," she said slowly. "But it can't be taken back once I say it."

"Say it then," Nicky encouraged. If she didn't, she would only spend forever wondering now.

"I want you to know I'm not saying this to hurt you. I just...I need you to know this. Before you make your decision on Anderson."

Nicky nodded, her uncertainty building.

"I…" Marka struggled for the words. "I didn't keep your father from seeing you. He just…left one day. And I guess...I guess he didn't want a part of me with him when he did."

Nicky blinked. Her head tilted ever so slightly. "What...why? Why are you _lying?"_

Marka bit her lip. "I'm not lying."

"He left you, not me! He loved me," Nicky insisted. "You were always talking about how much you hated him. You made us go to Paris with Grandma the first Christmas you divorced, the Christmas he was supposed to spend with me!"

"I know," Marka said, closing her eyes. The memory was still raw even after all of these years. "We went with Grandma because your bags were already all packed to go to your father's."

"And?" Nicky demanded. "What happened?"

"And…" Marka exhaled. "And your father was in Cancun with his new wife and their newborn."

"Their...newborn?" Nicky echoed. She looked up at Marka and saw the pain evident on her own face. It was in that moment she realized she was telling the truth. It cut through her like a hot knife.

But anger was easier to deal with than pain. "That didn't give you a free pass to be a shitty mother! You should have tried harder! Instead you pushed me away, got me a nanny...you worked every day, all day!" Nicky insisted, flustered.

"You think I wanted to be at work all of the time? Of course not. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be the perfect mother. I wanted to be _your_ mom."

Nicky shifted position to face Marka. "You didn't have to work so much. You had two fucking apartments when you were dating Paolo. And I wasn't invited to one of them!" Nicky looked down at her daughter and wondered how Marka could have done that to her.

"I shouldn't have done that," Marka said softly. She swallowed hard, her fist balled up by her side. "But it wasn't a good relationship. You were better off not seeing it." Marka sighed. "And me. I was a mess for years after your father left. He didn't just leave you. He left me too."She hesitated. "And if it makes you feel any better, Paolo cheated on me."

Nicky hid a smirk behind Parker.

"But you are _not_ me, Nicky." Marka let out a sigh, pushing her hair back against her head. She tentatively reached out for Nicky's hand, and her heart squeezed when her daughter didn't pull away. It must have been at least twenty years since she'd last held her hand like this. "You're better than I am. And you have Red...and me, if you want," she said, clutching at straws.

Nicky blinked back tears. "I'm not," she said, wiping at her eyes. "I was in jail for the first five months of her life. And now I still can't do anything right." She licked her dry lips. "I'm just trying to do everything right. I don't want her to hate me when she grows up. I'm a shitty mother too. And her dad is worse than Les."

Marka fought the lump forming in her throat. "She will love you just as much as she does now," she said. She reached out to touch Nicky's curls, regret pooling in her eyes. "Who wouldn't?"

Nicky looked down. Her mother's touch was foreign, as much as she hated thinking about that fact. She kissed Parker's head.

Marka stroked Parker's button nose. "I know I could have been a better mother. I...I _should_ have been a better mother." Marka paused to inhale a shaking breath. "I can't turn back the clock. But you've barely started."

Nicky looked up.

"And I'm trying now, Nicky. Please let me help you. Don't let him into her life to spite me. She doesn't need him. You never needed a man, did you?" Marka let a faint smile cross her lips.

Nicky looked from Parker to her mother. And though confusion and mixed emotions swirled inside of her, after a moment she nodded.

"You won't let me down again, will you?" Nicky's voice was unnaturally quiet.

Marka hated that even her own child couldn't trust her. That her little girl, who had once been as in love with her as Parker was with Nicky, was trying not to hate her. She wouldn't promise. She had broken far too many in the past; mostly to herself. But this time...things were different. Nicky had a new understanding...and Red was here to soften her own shortcomings.

Marka nodded. "I will _not_ let you down."

 _ **A/N: Hey! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for all of the reviews, they make me happy. Let me know what you thought and I will try to update soon. Hope you're all well!**_

 _ **Star xo**_


	21. Peek-A-Boo

Nicky heard the familiar cries of her baby daughter waking up. As she forced her eyes open, she tried to shake the sleepiness off. She fumbled in the darkness, throwing the duvet from her legs and swinging them over the edge of the bed.

She pressed her lips together as she listened to the screams. Rubbing her eyes, she didn't move. She would get up, but she just needed a moment to put herself together. Motherhood was a feat like no other; relentless, irrevocable, and endless.

Nicky's eyes drifted to the alarm clock on her bed side table. _5:38._ It would only be an hour or so before she had to get up anyway, and though she didn't relish the thought, she _was_ looking forward to getting this day over with. It had been hanging over her for weeks now.

When Marka had told her that court was the only option - to fight it out over visitation, over who was the fit parent, over who could raise Parker the best - Nicky had crumbled. How could she possibly argue that she was the best possible place for Parker when she wasn't sure herself?

Weeks had passed since Marka's lawyer had advised her of that, yet the news hadn't sunk in any more. She still didn't know.

Nicky crept into Parker's bedroom, her heart heavy. Far from driving the maternal instinct she had so desperately sought after, it had made her _more_ wary of loving her little girl. Throwing herself into her daughter, and then having her ripped away? The mere thought made her shudder. Having seen what being taken from your children could do to a woman had made her aware of the harsh reality - it would _destroy_ her. And she'd already done it once; could she possibly face it yet another time, this time with no end in sight?

She doubted it.

When she got to Parker's door, Marka was already stood over the crib. Her face was a picture of anxiety as her hands rocked it, desperately trying to shush the baby. And though Nicky had spent her whole life trying to avoid it, she had to admit that she saw herself in Marka in that moment.

"Come on, Parker…" Marka sighed, her voice weary. "You know Grandma has been up all night already? I need my beauty sleep!"

Nicky managed a wan smile, and made her presence known by stepping into the room. "Parker doesn't think anyone needs sleep."

Marka glanced up. "Neither did you, when you were little," she remarked. "I lost count of the times I woke up to pans banging together in the kitchen.."

Nicky smiled again, but it faded quickly as she realized by the time Parker was that age, if this court case didn't go her way, Parker might be with _him._ "Do you think I'll win?"

Marka turned her attention back to Parker. She didn't want Nicky to see the worry in her eyes, and she'd be hard pressed to hide it. No, she hadn't been the best mother to Nicky, but she _had_ been taking care of Parker for seven months now.

"I don't know," she answered truthfully. Her voice was soft. "If the judge knows anything at all, there will be no question of the ruling."

"And...and if he doesn't?" Worry crept into Nicky's voice.

"If he doesn't," Marka said carefully. "Then we fight it."

* * *

Outside of the courthouse, Red waited anxiously. Instead of working today, it had been decided that they would meet Red at the courthouse, and that she would bring Vasily with her. It had been Red's idea that she bring him.

" _He's about as intimidating as a kitten, but Anderson won't come up to us if he's there," Red had said, sliding her glasses down her nose so she could see the phone in hand. "Let me give him a call, hm? It's worth a shot if that asshole leaves you alone."_

 _Nicky nodded, chewing on the inside of her lip. It wasn't something she really wanted, but it wouldn't hurt. "Fine."_

Checking her watch, Red frowned. "It's almost eight o'clock," she said, her voice rising worriedly. She looked to her son, who looked irritatingly calm. "They should be here by now. Why aren't they here?"

"Traffic?" he offered, craning his neck to try and see if they were coming from any angle.

It had been a rhetorical question, and she shot him a glare. Then she heard a cry, and whipped around. She would recognize her granddaughter's little shrieks anywhere. As Nicky's face came into view, her face broke into a relieved smile. "Nicky!"

"No favoritism here," Vasily quipped, raising an eyebrow.

Red rolled her eyes. Thankfully, her sons were secure in her love. When they'd met Nicky, they had welcomed her into their lives with open arms. Had they not...Red didn't know what she would have done. She squeezed his arm, sidling up to him.

"There isn't," she said honestly. "Thank you for coming today. It means a lot to me."

Vasily gave his mom a smile. "It's not a problem."

"Seriously," Nicky said, locking eyes with Vasily. "Thank you. It helps a ton knowing _he_ won't come over here."

Vasily leaned against the wall outside the court easily, nodding his head. He winced as Parker let out another ear-piercing cry, leaning away from Nicky who held the child in a vice like grip.

Red had been right. Having Vasily there had given her peace of mind that Anderson wouldn't just stroll up to them. After all, Anderson was a coward - and Vasily, whilst the complete opposite of combative in himself, seemed to be doing the trick.

"Why is she screaming?" he asked, his forehead crinkled. He wiggled his fingers at her in a little wave, and for a moment, she calmed down. Her little face was mesmerised by the new person paying her attention. He looked relieved, and continued, "I'd go insane if I had to listen to that all day. Does it not give you a headache?"

Nicky shifted Parker on her hip, her feet already aching in the smart black heels Marka had insisted she wore today. Two pairs of eyes - one narrowed blue and one tired brown - glared at him as his mother and Nicky stared.

"She's teething," Nicky snapped. She brushed some hair from Parker's face, sweeping it out of her eyes, as her daughter arched her back and continued to scream. "And yes, it drives me fucking insane too." Turning to Red, she pressed her lips together. "Where is Marka? I need some air."

Red looked around until she spotted the blonde in a white skirt suit.

"Oh, she's talking with your lawyer," she murmured, her concerns mounting for Nicky. She glanced at Marka, who chatted in hushed tones to a woman who didn't look old enough to graduate high school, let alone represent Nicky in a legal case. But Marka knew what she was doing, she reminded herself.

"Can you hold her?" Nicky asked Vasily, handing Parker over before he really had the chance to answer. A look of bewilderment crossed both of their faces as Nicky stalked off.

"Hey, hey," Red said, quickening her pace to match Nicky's. She caught her arm and spun her around. "Everything will be okay today."

"No, it won't," Nicky muttered. "They could take her from me, you know."

"They won't," Red reassured her, her hand coming up to rest on Nicky's shoulder. "You are a _good_ mother."

Nicky scoffed. She chewed on her nails and then said, "I can't even handle my seven month old teething."

Red smiled. "When Maxsim was five, he told me he'd fallen and hurt his arm."

Nicky raised her eyebrows, wondering where Red was going with this story. It seemed pointless, but she let her continue.

"He was always exaggerating. The boy who cried wolf, you know? Anyway...I ignored him. Told him to run it off. To quit bothering me whilst I was working behind the counter." A rueful smile crossed her lips. "He didn't stop whining the whole day. He was still complaining when I put him to bed."

"And?" Nicky prompted. Her gaze fell to Parker and Vasily. He was playing peek-a-boo with her, and the sheer look of amazement on her face every time Vasily moved his hands to reveal his face could have made Nicky weep. It was pure innocence, and she was about to throw her into the middle of something awful. All for what? A _fix._

"And...I got a call from his teacher the next day," Red said, her face reddening at the thought of it. "Telling me he'd been taken to hospital, and that he'd broken his arm."

Nicky's eyebrows shot up.

"Point is, no-one is the perfect mother. But we're all just trying our best."

Red squeezed Nicky's shoulder and began steering her towards the court. "Let's get this over with, hm?"

* * *

Bursting out of the courtroom doors, relief flooded Nicky's features. She fell into Red's arms, burying her face in the older woman's neck. Sobs wracked her body.

"It's over," she cried, the one arm she had free tightening around Red. Parker hung off of her hip, looking bewildered as her mother cried.

Red's fingers raked through Nicky's hair and she stroked Parker's cheek comfortingly too. "I can't tell you how I felt when he said Parker was better off with her mother," Red said. She closed her eyes for a moment, drinking in this moment of victory. They'd been few and far in between, and this one was the sweetest yet.

"Me too," Nicky said quietly. She withdrew from the hug for a moment, and out of the corner of her eye, saw Marka. The older blonde hovered on the outside, looking in on the moment. And though Nicky still wasn't _quite_ sure of her mother, she forced herself to smile.

"Thank you, Marka," Nicky said. She kissed the side of Parker's head and looked to her mother. "I couldn't have done this without you."

A small smile lit up Marka's features as she tried not to look as happy as she felt. She shook her head. "This was all you, Nicky."

"Nichols, wait."

Nicky turned as her name rang through the air. If his voice didn't give away the culprit, Red's furious expression did.

"You piece of shit," Red said, fighting the urge to spit in his direction. "Don't even look at them. At either of them! You heard what the judge said. And she was right; Nicky, you should be pressing charges."

Nicky shrugged off the comment uncomfortably. Her grip on Parker got a little tighter as she was reminded what she almost lost her to. "What do you want, Anderson?"

"Just let me spend ten minutes with her. That's all I ask."

Nicky chewed the inside of her cheek. She glanced to Red, who shook her head, and then to Marka, who looked utterly out of her element. "Why should I?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "Do _you_ want to explain to Parker why her daddy isn't in her life?"

"I'll cover that one," Marka interjected. She lowered her voice to a hiss. "I'm assuming she'll be old enough to know what a rapist is by then."

Nicky shifted. The word 'rape' made her uncomfortable. Yes, she knew that's what it _technically_ was, but it made her squirm. She wasn't his victim - at least not like that.

He was right. She didn't want to tell Parker she didn't even give her father a chance, no matter how shitty he was. She couldn't shake the feeling of rejection that stemmed from her own childhood, despite her misgivings. She locked eyes with him.

"You've got ten minutes."

* * *

After securing a meeting room to use for the next half an hour, Marka reluctantly walked behind Nicky in the meeting room and sat down.

Red hadn't even been able to stay. Her anger at Nicky's decision had been too much, and she'd asked Vasily to take her home. Marka would be lying if she said she didn't feel the same, yet she felt compelled to stay. Nicky needed her.

As Nicky put Parker down on an armchair, her phone pinged. She bit her lip as she glanced at Anderson, then back at Parker, then her phone. The message was from her lawyer, asking her to sign a few more forms. If it wasn't completed now, there would be a late fee. Nicky sighed.

"I need to deal with something." She looked at Marka. "Will you stay here with Parker, please?"

Marka pursed her lips, but nodded. "Please don't be long."

"I won't," Nicky promised.

As she dashed out of the door, Marka turned to Anderson. He sat on a hard wooden chair, looking totally uninterested despite his pleas.

After a few moments, she couldn't help herself. She looked at him, unable to hide her disgust. She couldn't bear the thought of her granddaughter being in the same room as him, but she also couldn't stand that he didn't seem to care about her presence. The little girl had been a gift from God, and she thanked Him everyday that she had given her to them. "Well? Aren't you going to talk to her?"

In response, Anderson picked up a rattle that Parker had discarded. He shook it in front of her face.

Marka watched as Parker's face grew red. Her starfish hands pawed at the tears running down her cheeks, and it wouldn't be long before she started screaming. She chewed the inside of her cheek, craning her neck to see if Nicky was almost done talking.

Anderson eyed Marka. He dropped the toy he was waving in front of Parker's face and didn't seem to notice as the whimpers began. "What's your problem?"

Marka stiffened. Her stress levels were rising dramatically. First of all, she wanted to rip Anderson's head off. Every time she looked at him, she saw what he did to Nicky. It made her blood boil. Secondly, she knew Parker wouldn't exactly be patient when it came to having her bottle. Soon there would be screams and they would be _loud._

Her mother had always made her feel like an utter failure when Nicky had been younger and started crying in public. If she couldn't calm her quick enough, which she never could according to her mom, the insults would begin raining down. _Making a rod for your own back. Spoiling that little girl. She'll grow up a holy terror._

She was older now, and her mother long dead, but those feelings of inadequacy resurfaced like they'd never left. And she didn't need _him_ questioning her like she owed him something.

"Your daughter is hungry," she snapped, picking up Parker and smoothing her curls down. Her bottle was in the car, but she was hoping the baby would hold out until they could leave. It didn't seem likely. Marka walked up and down a couple of times, her cheeks flushing as Anderson's eyes followed her the entire time, and rocked Parker as she complained.

He let out a low whistle. "Well, her mother clearly doesn't care."

Marka glared at him, but didn't dignify him with a response. Instead, she grabbed her purse, and headed for the door. But she stopped short as she stood by the window, for the first time that day noticing the rain hammering down.

She couldn't take Parker out there. She would catch her death.

Marka held back a sigh. "Nicky?" she called. She put Parker down on the armchair, trotting over to the doorway just a few meters from where Nicky stood. "Nicky, I need to go outside," she called. "Come and sit with Parker!"

Nicky stopped talking, turning round. "Did you hear something?" she asked her lawyer. When she shook her head, Nicky continued. "I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done," she finished.

After thanking her lawyer profusely, Nicky looked to the ceiling. She thanked a God she didn't believe in for the perfect result today, and walked into the meeting room.

As soon as she entered, a feeling of dread filled her. It permeated every crevice of her body, and though she couldn't explain it, she suddenly found herself blinking back tears.

Nicky span on her heels, her eyes scanning the room expertly. Though she'd only been gone for a few minutes, she knew _something_ was wrong. When she'd heard other people using the expression ' _my blood ran cold_ ', she had brushed it off. That was for movies, for Hollywood. She had no time for dramatics, yet she couldn't stop the panic rising in her chest.

Anderson was gone. Marka was nowhere to be found. And there was no trace of Parker anywhere.

The sound of heavy footsteps pulled her from her thoughts. She would recognize that tread anywhere, and although she'd supposedly already left, Nicky called, " _Red?_ " She was almost afraid to see the Russian as she turned the corner with no baby in her arms.

Red didn't even notice the look of terror on Nicky's features. She was too preoccupied with her own guilt. "I couldn't leave you. I waited outside. I'm sorry, Nicky. I should have stayed and supported you, he's just such an -"

Nicky cut her off. "Where's Parker?"

"Parker?" Red echoed. "I thought she was with you."

Panic was setting in. It was etched over all of her features. And if there was _any_ lingering doubt of her love for Parker, it had dissipated as the feeling of sheer dread flooded through her like poison through her veins. "I left her with Marka!"

"Marka?" Red said, her voice catching at the end of her sentence. She swallowed hard. "I just saw her. She's at the car. But honey...she doesn't have Parker."

The scream that left her body was so guttural that she didn't even recognize it as herself at first. As she recovered, her heart hammering inside her rib cage, she stared at Red. She could barely get the sentence out as she stammered, gripping onto Red's arm.

"Then where _is_ she?"

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **Sorry yes Guest I did post the wrong chapter! Thank you so much for letting me know.**_

 _ **To the guest who reviewed asking where I got the idea from, I actually just had a scene in my head where an obviously very pregnant Nicky was singing hush little baby to her bump in the dark - hence the name Midnight Lullabies. Thanks for the review, so glad you like the fic!**_

 _ **Sorry for the long wait on this chapter! But I hope you enjoyed it.  
Please let me know what you thought in a review.  
Hope you're all well. **_

_**\- Star  
xo**_


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